[kath314]

This is my first post. I'm usually a lurker in forums, who never quite gets the courage to post. I have a question about better understanding my perceptions and feelings, but feel the need to provide a bit of background first:

BACKGROUND:
1. I'm a married mother to 2 young boys (11 and 4). I just recently turned 40. Last year, at the beginning of 5th grade, my older son was getting bullied quite a bit. This brought up a lot of unresolved issues with my own past bullying....

2. My own bullying, this occured in the pre-columbine days. As a biracial kid raised in a small midwest town, I couldn't fit in anywhere. Without the attention the bullying issue that exists today I was left to fend for myself. The social atmosphere was one of my feeling I was inherently wrong. I personally love this quote:

"Psychiatrist R.D. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. He found that when one's feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even they are perfectly mentally healthy"

3. To add to this issue, for anyone familiar with myers briggs, as a sensitive INFP raised by two emotionally detached intellectual ESTJ's (both college professors), my parents were never there for me, as I dealt with this bullying, and attributed it to my own "inherent wrongness" and inability to "Get where I'm coming from"

4. I left for college thinking my issues would be behind me only to end up in a four year abusive relationship that started with my losing my virginity to rape.

All these years later, I've removed myself from that situation, and learned how to be a partner in a healthy relationship. I'm married to my best friend, and my kids are happy and healthy....

.....I'm doing group and individual therapy using what the call "dialectical behavioral therapy". According to the counselor, while this method of therapy is utilized in borderline personality disorder cases, it works well as a foundation to help a person begin putting their issues behind them....

WITH ALL THIS IN MIND, HERE'S MY QUESTION: IVE NOTICED SOME UNHEALTHY PATTERNS, BY STANDING OUTSIDE MYSELF AND WATCHING ME BEING MYSELF IN LIFE:

I have beliefs
I have feelings
I have thoughts
I have perceptions
I decide on these perceptions
I react to these perceptions
I become what I believed I was
I get what I believed 2b
I complain about it like a 2yo cause it didn't go my way....

I notice a pattern of past unresolved hurts and feelings being brought up by various triggers. AT the time, while in that abusive relationship and while being bullied, I didn't want to show my hurt, so I burried it. All these years later they come up, as if the events that produced those feelings are happening right now. For example, when my son told me he was being bullied, I cried uncontrollably for a few minutes, while he had to console me....

...this has -- needless to say -- strengthened my resolve to put the issue behind me.... AS I BREAK DOWN VARIOUS EVENTS, I UTILIZE THE SORT OF MINDFULNESS DISCUSSED IN DBT. I DESCRIBE MY FEELINGS AND BREAK THEM DOWN AS DESCRIBED ABOVE. HERE'S A SITUATION THAT I NEED HELP WITH:

THE EVENT: THe mother of my son's best friend called me to discuss something her son told her. There are kids at school that say my son has some annoying habits they find offputting and that's why they don't want to be his friend. She suggested I help him with these so he not further ostrascize himself. She know's I'm trying to help him preserve his self esteem, while helping him with his emotional maturity/social skills..

MY THOUGHTS: I sat there and listened. While at the time, I say she was being kind and helpful - I didn't take it this way. I remember a wave of thoughts going through my mind. Thoughts and beliefs that I may know are not logically correct, but yet at some level still define my perceptions, and feelings about myself in the world:

1. Its my fault, I don't know how to teach my kid how to fit in and be "normal". I created a wierd oddball like myself...
2. What if what they said about me growing up was true? Maybe they were all correct???
3. What if my son is what they think he is too?

THE FEELINGS: A wave of anxiety, and fear come over me. I feel like I did growing up. I work nights as a nurse, and try to stuff the emotions so I can do my job, but it isn't working too well. I spend that day a tearful mess. I feel wrong, flawed, bad. I am these things, I can't change them. A valueless flawed thing.

THE ME WATCHING MYSELF: GEts angry and can't help but realize the idiocy of what I'm feeling. They are based on the past and not the current situation, yet right now they feel very real....

MORE THOUGHTS & FEELINGS COME UP: It becomes too hard to stay with these feelings of fear, hurt and anxiety. So I then turn toward what I perceive to be the cause of these feelings. I see the mother of my son's best friend as the cause. She is the enemy. IRrational thoughts enter my mind of -- for a short period of time -- my considering not my son to play with her son any more, and cutting off our own friendship. The feelings of anger and rage at this misperceived threat ( however unwarranted, take over my body and mind and I am for a short period of time, immune ti their effects )......

THE ME WATCHING MYSELF: I engage in opposite action, I choose to look for a safe forum in which to better understand these feelings. I don't attack this lady. I thank her instead after spending some time with my husband, who allows me to have a good "cry and mope session on his loving shoulder". I then see after allowing myself to see what I couldn't - that she was never threatening or mean. It was really "in my head"....

SO DOES ANYONE RELATE TO THIS??? IS PTSD-ISH???? OR WHAT???? IT WOULD REALLY HELP ME IF SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS COULD HELP ME RELATE TO THE NATURE OF THIS PSYCHOLOGICALLY....

I TRIED TO GOOGLE MISPERCEIVED THREATS AND PTSD, OR ANXIETY TRIGGERS, NOTHING REALLY RANG TRUE WITH MY EXPERIENCES....

THANKS FOR LISTENING AND KNOW IT HELPS THAT YOU TOOK THE TIME HELPING ME UNDERSTAND MYSELF

[kath314]

Sorry its so long, but responses would really help

[Silent_tsol]

I don't really have experiences similar to yours, nor am I any type of qualified "diagnoser" (as proven by my use of the term diagnoser ). But as I was reading it it does sound very ptsd from what I know of it. For people suffering from ptsd, triggers can make them feel like they are re-living the event. If you scroll down on the main forum page, there is a forum for ptsd. I've never been there personally but they might have more insights for you, or information about it.

As far as googling, everyone experiences things differently. Ptsd is mostly publicized about war veterans. But that doesn't mean someone who was in a house fire doesn't have it or that you might not. I know it would probably be helpful to find something that directly relates to your situation, but I would look at the symptoms in other cases and see if yours are similar.

Your best bet is probably to talk to your therapist about it. Have you told him/her about the incident with your son and how it triggered emotions for you? He/she may not have experience with ptsd but I'm sure if you agree that it needs to be looked into you can be referred to someone who does. I've heard really good things about emdr therapy for ptsd.

Here are two links I found that seem to offer a general overview of the symptoms. Hope they help
http://www.cmha.ca/bins/content_page.asp?cid=3-94-97
http://helpguide.org/mental/post_tra..._treatment.htm

[Oriana]

Originally Posted by kath314

This is my first post. I'm usually a lurker in forums, who never quite gets the courage to post. I have a question about better understanding my perceptions and feelings, but feel the need to provide a bit of background first:

BACKGROUND:
1. I'm a married mother to 2 young boys (11 and 4). I just recently turned 40. Last year, at the beginning of 5th grade, my older son was getting bullied quite a bit. This brought up a lot of unresolved issues with my own past bullying....

2. My own bullying, this occured in the pre-columbine days. As a biracial kid raised in a small midwest town, I couldn't fit in anywhere. Without the attention the bullying issue that exists today I was left to fend for myself. The social atmosphere was one of my feeling I was inherently wrong. I personally love this quote:

"Psychiatrist R.D. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. He found that when one's feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even they are perfectly mentally healthy"

3. To add to this issue, for anyone familiar with myers briggs, as a sensitive INFP raised by two emotionally detached intellectual ESTJ's (both college professors), my parents were never there for me, as I dealt with this bullying, and attributed it to my own "inherent wrongness" and inability to "Get where I'm coming from"

4. I left for college thinking my issues would be behind me only to end up in a four year abusive relationship that started with my losing my virginity to rape.

All these years later, I've removed myself from that situation, and learned how to be a partner in a healthy relationship. I'm married to my best friend, and my kids are happy and healthy....

.....I'm doing group and individual therapy using what the call "dialectical behavioral therapy". According to the counselor, while this method of therapy is utilized in borderline personality disorder cases, it works well as a foundation to help a person begin putting their issues behind them....

WITH ALL THIS IN MIND, HERE'S MY QUESTION: IVE NOTICED SOME UNHEALTHY PATTERNS, BY STANDING OUTSIDE MYSELF AND WATCHING ME BEING MYSELF IN LIFE:

I have beliefs
I have feelings
I have thoughts
I have perceptions
I decide on these perceptions
I react to these perceptions
I become what I believed I was
I get what I believed 2b
I complain about it like a 2yo cause it didn't go my way....

I notice a pattern of past unresolved hurts and feelings being brought up by various triggers. AT the time, while in that abusive relationship and while being bullied, I didn't want to show my hurt, so I burried it. All these years later they come up, as if the events that produced those feelings are happening right now. For example, when my son told me he was being bullied, I cried uncontrollably for a few minutes, while he had to console me....

...this has -- needless to say -- strengthened my resolve to put the issue behind me.... AS I BREAK DOWN VARIOUS EVENTS, I UTILIZE THE SORT OF MINDFULNESS DISCUSSED IN DBT. I DESCRIBE MY FEELINGS AND BREAK THEM DOWN AS DESCRIBED ABOVE. HERE'S A SITUATION THAT I NEED HELP WITH:

THE EVENT: THe mother of my son's best friend called me to discuss something her son told her. There are kids at school that say my son has some annoying habits they find offputting and that's why they don't want to be his friend. She suggested I help him with these so he not further ostrascize himself. She know's I'm trying to help him preserve his self esteem, while helping him with his emotional maturity/social skills..

MY THOUGHTS: I sat there and listened. While at the time, I say she was being kind and helpful - I didn't take it this way. I remember a wave of thoughts going through my mind. Thoughts and beliefs that I may know are not logically correct, but yet at some level still define my perceptions, and feelings about myself in the world:

1. Its my fault, I don't know how to teach my kid how to fit in and be "normal". I created a wierd oddball like myself...
2. What if what they said about me growing up was true? Maybe they were all correct???
3. What if my son is what they think he is too?

THE FEELINGS: A wave of anxiety, and fear come over me. I feel like I did growing up. I work nights as a nurse, and try to stuff the emotions so I can do my job, but it isn't working too well. I spend that day a tearful mess. I feel wrong, flawed, bad. I am these things, I can't change them. A valueless flawed thing.

THE ME WATCHING MYSELF: GEts angry and can't help but realize the idiocy of what I'm feeling. They are based on the past and not the current situation, yet right now they feel very real....

MORE THOUGHTS & FEELINGS COME UP: It becomes too hard to stay with these feelings of fear, hurt and anxiety. So I then turn toward what I perceive to be the cause of these feelings. I see the mother of my son's best friend as the cause. She is the enemy. IRrational thoughts enter my mind of -- for a short period of time -- my considering not my son to play with her son any more, and cutting off our own friendship. The feelings of anger and rage at this misperceived threat ( however unwarranted, take over my body and mind and I am for a short period of time, immune ti their effects )......

THE ME WATCHING MYSELF: I engage in opposite action, I choose to look for a safe forum in which to better understand these feelings. I don't attack this lady. I thank her instead after spending some time with my husband, who allows me to have a good "cry and mope session on his loving shoulder". I then see after allowing myself to see what I couldn't - that she was never threatening or mean. It was really "in my head"....

SO DOES ANYONE RELATE TO THIS??? IS PTSD-ISH???? OR WHAT???? IT WOULD REALLY HELP ME IF SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS COULD HELP ME RELATE TO THE NATURE OF THIS PSYCHOLOGICALLY....

I TRIED TO GOOGLE MISPERCEIVED THREATS AND PTSD, OR ANXIETY TRIGGERS, NOTHING REALLY RANG TRUE WITH MY EXPERIENCES....

THANKS FOR LISTENING AND KNOW IT HELPS THAT YOU TOOK THE TIME HELPING ME UNDERSTAND MYSELF

Hi Kath

I never understood the dynamics of groups to the point that I "get" what general behavior creates an "insider" and what creates an "outsider." However, I do know that groups use this distinction, this division, to define themselves.

May I ask what type of bad habits she suggested were the problem?

Do you know if your son's best friend (her son) has also had a heart to heart talk with him about those habits?

Are these "kids in school" in fact children your son wants as friends? I don't know the the situation, so many things could be possible, including that he chooses not to be their friend and they feel snubbed, so they are hitting back.

[madisgram]

i hope you will find this book helpful-A new guide to rational living by dr. albert ellis. it helped me understand myself so much. i had many false beliefs. the book helps one learn the true beliefs about one's self.