[Firewild]

I don't know where to put this. I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm even pretty sure this violates some sort of terms of use ********. "Please tell us how you feel, just not with so much feeling." ****ing horseshit.

There's no peace for me anymore. Not quiet. I have plenty of ****ing quiet. It's peace I want. When I'm alone I feel angry. The smiling ****suckers on TV laugh and smile while they live their happy lives, and I just sit around wasting mine. I know my problem. I just need something to love, but what is there worth loving? In my depressed moments I have dreams of a woman that I will never have; one that tells me that she loves me when she wraps her arms around me. One that I love, too. I can close my eyes and feel her warmth in my arms; I can close my eyes and feel disgust at the viscous cruelty of my own lies. Hate and sadness are consuming me; I can't go a full day without sudden twinges of pain in my head. The whole world is on the take these days. Our own ****ing government is consumed by pettiness and greed. The 24-hour news cycle rubs our faces in every pile of **** that every ***hole lays in the ****ing street, then they lie to themselves that they're "keeping America informed." Women lie to their lovers. Men lie to their lovers. I lie to myself; would my lover not lie to me? I hate them all.

Society's dream these days is money. I suppose that makes it my dream, too. The least it could do is buy me more lies, "I love you" among them. Lies. The most valuable thing on the planet, ****, even the value of money in itself is a lie constructed by our society. I spend days trying to decide if I want more of them, or if I want to tear them all down off the wall, and scream "YOUR SALT IS NO GOOD HERE! JOIN THE EARTH, AND QUIT MY MIND!" And like Carthage, no life would spring from the salted ground. It's lonely without lies. What's worse, the truth is no better. There's no comfort in life with all your faults laid bare, with all life's betrayals thrust in your face like smelling salts.

At least the lies are warm.

I hate myself. I hate my indecisiveness. My mother used to be addicted to self-help books. ****ing shelves full of people telling her how to live her life. She became a teacher. She hates her job. She had so many people telling her what life was that she didn't know what it was for herself. My father insists that depression isn't a real condition. For all I ****ing know, he could be right. He thinks that depression is weakness; that medication is just the ***** way of dealing with your problems. All I've ever wanted was to be happy. I don't want to have someone tell me how to live. I don't want to ignore the problem. I just want to kill all the anger, hate, and sadness biting behind my eyes. I want to feel like smiling. I want believe the lies. I want to sleep.

Dear god, more than anything I want to sleep at night. I don't want to roll over in bed and see the sun coming up. I don't want to lie in bed for hours on end doing nothing. I want to dream again. They used to be such a muse to me; they used to fuel the creativity I used to love in myself. Now it's gone. Time killed it, and it isn't coming back.

I want to ****ing break something. I want to huck this monitor out the ****ing window. I used to be passionate. These days I'm just angry. It's lonely here.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Firewild

I don't know where to put this. I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm even pretty sure this violates some sort of terms of use ********. "Please tell us how you feel, just not with so much feeling." ****ing horseshit.

There's no peace for me anymore. Not quiet. I have plenty of ****ing quiet. It's peace I want. When I'm alone I feel angry. The smiling ****suckers on TV laugh and smile while they live their happy lives, and I just sit around wasting mine. I know my problem. I just need something to love, but what is there worth loving? In my depressed moments I have dreams of a woman that I will never have; one that tells me that she loves me when she wraps her arms around me. One that I love, too. I can close my eyes and feel her warmth in my arms; I can close my eyes and feel disgust at the viscous cruelty of my own lies. Hate and sadness are consuming me; I can't go a full day without sudden twinges of pain in my head. The whole world is on the take these days. Our own ****ing government is consumed by pettiness and greed. The 24-hour news cycle rubs our faces in every pile of **** that every ***hole lays in the ****ing street, then they lie to themselves that they're "keeping America informed." Women lie to their lovers. Men lie to their lovers. I lie to myself; would my lover not lie to me? I hate them all.

Society's dream these days is money. I suppose that makes it my dream, too. The least it could do is buy me more lies, "I love you" among them. Lies. The most valuable thing on the planet, ****, even the value of money in itself is a lie constructed by our society. I spend days trying to decide if I want more of them, or if I want to tear them all down off the wall, and scream "YOUR SALT IS NO GOOD HERE! JOIN THE EARTH, AND QUIT MY MIND!" And like Carthage, no life would spring from the salted ground. It's lonely without lies. What's worse, the truth is no better. There's no comfort in life with all your faults laid bare, with all life's betrayals thrust in your face like smelling salts.

At least the lies are warm.

I hate myself. I hate my indecisiveness. My mother used to be addicted to self-help books. ****ing shelves full of people telling her how to live her life. She became a teacher. She hates her job. She had so many people telling her what life was that she didn't know what it was for herself. My father insists that depression isn't a real condition. For all I ****ing know, he could be right. He thinks that depression is weakness; that medication is just the ***** way of dealing with your problems. All I've ever wanted was to be happy. I don't want to have someone tell me how to live. I don't want to ignore the problem. I just want to kill all the anger, hate, and sadness biting behind my eyes. I want to feel like smiling. I want believe the lies. I want to sleep.

Dear god, more than anything I want to sleep at night. I don't want to roll over in bed and see the sun coming up. I don't want to lie in bed for hours on end doing nothing. I want to dream again. They used to be such a muse to me; they used to fuel the creativity I used to love in myself. Now it's gone. Time killed it, and it isn't coming back.

I want to ****ing break something. I want to huck this monitor out the ****ing window. I used to be passionate. These days I'm just angry. It's lonely here.

Anger feeds anger. I offer you a sincere dose of reality. I don't worship money (and if I do not, that means the likelihood is great there are others who do not); I don't make a habit of lying and don't think lovers should lie to each other (again, the likelihood is high that there are other people in the world who are honest and considerate); and if all you offer others is hatred you will have serious difficulty recognizing the love that is offered to you. Put aside your mother's problem and your father's lack of understanding and reach out to someone to help you find and practice peaceful living. Since you describe pain in your head, I believe your first step would be your family doctor; there may be a treatable physical cause for your pain. It seems to me that you are caught in a spiral of despair and there is no good reason for you to suffer any longer, so I encourage you to help yourself. Since emoticons annoy you, I will close by saying I send you love.

[Polyakov]

I love emoticons.

[FeelingHopeful]

Firewild im sorry your hurting so bad , I felt so sad when i read your post about never having the woman you love, Struck a chord with me since i dont have the guy i love, I hope you like it here on Pc and we can help you a litttle bit, This is a great place with wonderful people

[objtrbit]

Originally Posted by Firewild

I don't know where to put this. I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm even pretty sure this violates some sort of terms of use ********. "Please tell us how you feel, just not with so much feeling." ****ing horseshit.

I'm glad you did-not knowing why you are posting/expressing but doing it anyway leads to-worse case scenerio-a really good free association, which will provide you a lot of things to look at. In ability to express anger made me the most angry I could have turned out I think-so I wanted to caution that maybe some of what I'm about to post is projection-that is, some of what I might say here may apply to the way I grew up as oppossed to the way you grew up-so if that happens, I encourage you to respond if you still read this thread; for example my guess is the fact that they edit out your cusswords makes you mad as well-that could just be my own stuff though. For the same reasoning, would you be able to describe why you despise the emoticons?

There's no peace for me anymore. Not quiet. I have plenty of ****ing quiet. It's peace I want. When I'm alone I feel angry.

The smiling ****suckers on TV laugh and smile while they live their happy lives, and I just sit around wasting mine.

You feel you are wasting your time?

I know my problem. I just need something to love, but what is there worth loving?

Further down i your post, you say you hate yourself-so I feel that might be why you question what is worth loving here; man, I'm thinking under the anger is a lot of pain. Personally, I have felt myself use anger as a defense against any hurt I feel...anger is a lot safer;

In my depressed moments I have dreams of a woman that I will never have; one that tells me that she loves me when she wraps her arms around me. One that I love, too. I can close my eyes and feel her warmth in my arms; I can close my eyes and feel disgust at the viscous cruelty of my own lies.

Are you able to describe that disgust any?

Hate and sadness are consuming me; I can't go a full day without sudden twinges of pain in my head. The whole world is on the take these days. Our own ****ing government is consumed by pettiness and greed. The 24-hour news cycle rubs our faces in every pile of **** that every ***hole lays in the ****ing street, then they lie to themselves that they're "keeping America informed." Women lie to their lovers. Men lie to their lovers. I lie to myself;

What is the purpose of you lying to yourself?

Society's dream these days is money. I suppose that makes it my dream, too. The least it could do is buy me more lies, "I love you" among them. Lies. The most valuable thing on the planet, ****, even the value of money in itself is a lie constructed by our society. I spend days trying to decide if I want more of them, or if I want to tear them all down off the wall, and scream "YOUR SALT IS NO GOOD HERE! JOIN THE EARTH, AND QUIT MY MIND!" And like Carthage, no life would spring from the salted ground. It's lonely without lies. What's worse, the truth is no better. There's no comfort in life with all your faults laid bare, with all life's betrayals thrust in your face like smelling salts.

Okay, so it looks like this may have shed some light on my last question, but I'm still curious as to what you would say; It's lonely with no lies...and the truth is not better because it shows your faults? Your wording is impressively metaphorical-are you saying you don't know whether or not to listen to society or tear down all they're lies? Looks like you have a lot of anger around money;

At least the lies are warm.

Is what you are feeling guilt towards the truth?

I hate myself. I hate my indecisiveness. My mother used to be addicted to self-help books. ****ing shelves full of people telling her how to live her life.She became a teacher. She hates her job. She had so many people telling her what life was that she didn't know what it was for herself.

Wow-see growing up with a mom like that must have been hard! Even when my mentor messes up I wonder if I am capable of the same-our parents are suppossed to guide us-but if they feel insecure themselves-how were you supossed to feel secure? That must have sucked!

My father insists that depression isn't a real condition. For all I ****ing know, he could be right. He thinks that depression is weakness; that medication is just the ***** way of dealing with your problems.

Do you feel you are depressed? It sounds like your father doesn't want to allow you to express your sorrows, let alone your anger, and that can really suck too! What do you feel about your sadness? Do you feel it is a valid emotion?

All I've ever wanted was to be happy. I don't want to have someone tell me how to live.

Do you feel your mom made you grow up that way? (That is, did she tell you how to live your life too?) If so, I feel that would definitly feel suffocating, and it would cause me a great deal of anger.

I don't want to ignore the problem. I just want to kill all the anger, hate, and sadness biting behind my eyes. I want to feel like smiling. I want believe the lies. I want to sleep.

Do you feel you can achieve happiness by believing the lies? If you feel you are living in lies, I could see why you would feel exhausted; I would hope you would be able to keep posting and feel comfortable being yourself here in these forums;

Dear god, more than anything I want to sleep at night. I don't want to roll over in bed and see the sun coming up. I don't want to lie in bed for hours on end doing nothing.

What is going on within you that is causing you such great distress that sleep is hard to come by? (that would be my opinion, of course, but I believe in Freud's line of thought which explains that if you are putting enrgy into one area unconsciously, then it's likely that other areas in your life will suffer as a result of the imbalance.) What do you feel about why you are not sleeping at night?

I want to dream again. They used to be such a muse to me; they used to fuel the creativity I used to love in myself. Now it's gone. Time killed it, and it isn't coming back.

You say time killed it-that which you used to love in yourself?

I want to ****ing break something. I want to huck this monitor out the ****ing window. I used to be passionate. These days I'm just angry. It's lonely here.

Looks like the monitor survives another day-how are you feeling now? I feel you have very good reasons for feeling angry and for feeling sadness.

I hope you keep posting firewild!
Take care,
-obj

[pegasus]

It's good to get that anger out, thank you for sharing ((((((( Firewild )))))))