[emptybee15]

So, the first guy I was ever truly in love with cheated on me and broke my heart. He lied so well it was ridiculous. I loved his family and friends (some of them anyway) and I thought we were great.

Then, I found out he cheated. Being depressed and anxious already, that feeling DEVASTATED me! He took away everything that was good for me, his family had become like my own because I don't have much family that I communicate with. So, while crying for DAYS about how I'll miss his touch and the good times we had and his family and his daughter and everything, I told myself over and over that I will NEVER let ANYONE make me feel that way again. I think that's the point where I turned like 80% cold and I died a little in a sense.

I trust NO man and when I meet someone I like I'm unable to get that good feeling you get when you're getting to know someone and you feel butterflies and things. Now all I think is, "So, when are YOU going to hurt me?" After the incident I went about questioning different guys about IF & WHY they cheat. A lot of them said they did, but "THEY DON'T KNOW" why? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? You don't play with people's emotions!

So, I've been with my current guy for almost a year (1 year next month). He is so sweet, he does a million things for me, treats me very well, but all I think about is him cheating on me. He will fall asleep early at times, I've been at his house when he's done it, but if I'm not at his house and he doesn't call and say goodnight, I instantly think he had some woman over there and was too busy to call because THAT is what the Ex Cheater did. He would ignore calls and then start texting...when my current does that, instantly I think, "he must be cheating", like there's no other reason to ignore phone calls, but that's all my brain WILL think.

I CAN NOT get over this! I'm mad at him right now because I feel he cheated because he didn't call me last night. I don't know how to separate him from my ex because so many men cheat that I can't believe HE doesn't. On my part, I feel I haven't been good enough for any man, starting with my father, so why would any man truly love me?

These thoughts KILL me. I just want to feel LOVE again, but I shut my emotions down COMPLETELY as to AVOID being hurt. I know you aren't supposed to do that, but I just don't think I can survive another heartbreak, so it's better just not to feel.

Just like I told myself over and over "I will not be hurt again" and it worked so that I shut down now. When they say repeat positive things and it will do the same, I just can't figure out how to do it.

I hate myself, I have nothing positive to say about myself. I feel like an illegitimate, worthless, nothing and I don't know how to change that. Even though I graduated from High School w/ my regents, graduated from college with Merit, still only have ONE kid (but his dad does nothing and I feel guilty because he doesn't have a father) and I work and I'm a very decent human being. Nobody that was supposed to encourage me did though, every accomplishment was so downplayed and ignored it doesn't mean anything to me either.

I just want my brain to stop making all of these thoughts surface on a daily basis. I don't think I'll ever get over this.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. You have more things going on than thinking that he will cheat on you. You have low self-esteem, among other things. Your home life with your father, uncle, etc., probably has a BIG effect on you. Those "hurts" can last a lifetime if they aren't dealt with properly.

I think it would be a great idea if you were to talk with a counselor/therapist. I have a feeling that this mistrust of your boyfriend stems from other things -- not necessarily the guy that cheated on you.

Try some counseling -- I have a feeling that it will do you a world of good. I've had therapy too, and I'm so glad i did! Please take care & let us know how you're doing. Hugs, Lee

[emptybee15]

Oh, it's way deeper than the ex, but the ex seemed to have pushed me over the edge. I must have broke when he did that to me and now it's hard to trust or have feelings for any human beings. They have been nothing but a negative for me.