Feelings all mixed-up

I don't know what I am feeling right now. My niece got married last Saturday and we had a blast at the wedding rehearsal, wedding, and reception. The next day,we found my grandmother passed away Saturday.

I didn't attend the funeral due to family issues. The family is arguing about everything. My sister and I chose not to put ourselves in the midst of it. I don't think there is enough nerve medicine to control the anxiety we would have had. There is a history of child molesting in the family and my sister and I were victims. We don't have anything to with them. They want us to act like nothing happened.

I don't know how to feel. She was my grandmother. She did make sure I finished high school when I wanted to quit. I lived my junior and senior year of high school with her. It is just when my sister and I told what happened, she told us to act like nothing had happened and we would we be okay. She, also, told my sister that she was wrong in not letting her daughters know their grandfather. As far as we are concerned, he isn't our father or anything to my nieces. You don't put your children in harm's way.

I am just having very mixed feelings.

Nothing, I'm convinced, can be more messed up than a family. I hear so much pain, past & present, in your posting. Your decision not to attend the funeral was protective for you & your sister. The conflict between all the emotions/memories stirred up by your grandmother's death & the joy of your niece's marriage has to tear at you.

Have you &/or your sister sought counseling for the sexual abuse you suffered? It sounds as if you need to work on a lot of left-over issues from the period. Your grandmother's death has put a spotlight on the pain & conflict, as is evident in your post. For a start, you might want to look in the Survivors of Abuse forum & consider posting there. And please, think about some therapy. It can release so much of the bad self-directed feelings.

Thanks for the reply. We both have gone to therapy, that is what gave us the strength to separate ourselves from the situation. I am going to make an appointment to speak with my therapist with this latest happening.

Aunt Donna, I understand dysfunctional families well. Last year when my grandmother died we ended up with police at her funeral.

It is not surprising you have mixed feelings. Your family is troubled and events and get togethers are reminders of that.

Congrats to your niece and her husband.

I hope you dont feel guilty. You made the right decision for you. I didnt go to my grandmother's funeral either. I felt my mental health was more important. My family thinks I am cold and uncaring. But growing up in an abusive household, I for one am not one who can sweep it all under the carpet and pretend it never happened now that we are adults. I dont know how they do it. But the fact that they all have highly disfunctional lives, some cant stay employed, several are drowning their feelings in alcohol and drugs tells me that they really arent coping with their pretend lives very well. I moved away from them and disowned my father. Therapy has done wonders to help me break free from the past.

I hope you have support thru this difficult time. You have made the right choices to protect your neices and i admire your strength to do so despite the obstacles you must have faced from the grandmother. it must have hurt not to have her support or protect you when she obviously meant so much to you. i am sorry you have to have such conflicting memories of her. i am sure she loved you very much, but this older generation just doesnt know how to handle abuse and they say dumb ****. when my daughter was molested at age three, i told my mom that she wasnt penetrated and she was releived saying "good, at least shes still a virgin." i was appaulled. but they are ignorant as to what to do is what i am saying, and fear for i am assuming her husband?, fear for you and your future, she may have truly believe if you acted as if nothing happened you would be ok. who knows.

i hope you find peace. i am sorry for your loss. but you did make the right choice.

http://www.helpguide.org/topics/trauma_abuse.htm
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
http://archive.constantcontact.com/f...007544886.html

Thanks everyone for your support. It means a lot to me that you understand.