[Adelissa]

I had something happen today that rattled me. My mom died a year ago and while I was a big part of Rebekah's (my autistic niece) life, I wasn't her primary care giver. So for 7 years she was her parental figure. She knew her grandma was sick and she seemed to get on some level that she was no longer with us and she would say Grandma is in heaven with Jesus our savior (which could be parroting idk but she is remarkably perceptive and shocks me with the things she seems to understand at times.) We went out to buy some goodies for new years eve and my brother asked her what chips she wanted and she said lays in the yellow bag ( my mom's favorite chip) and I stupidly said the ones you ate with grandma, and she burst into tears and said Grandma isn't coming back! And she wanted me to take her to grandma's bed...hospice took it...I don't know if she is like in some sort of post tramatic disorder or blocked out something but I explained how we start as babies in our mommies tummies and get to be big girls and then teenagers and adults and old people and eventually they wear out and God takes them to heaven and no one comes back from heaven because it is their home forever. She said ok sniffle sniffle and got onto something else and seems ok now but anyway I started bawling ( where she couldn't see) maybe I didn't grieve enough either but anyway after nearly killing myself I see that no matter how down on myself I am even in this pathetic state it is important for me to be alive because I don't think she could take losing another family member now. So maybe my suicide ideation will resolve. I need to live whether I am happy or miserable because I don't want to hurt this little girl, and I began to thaw a little, I haven't felt much in the way of love in a while, mostly obligation and I just want to hug this little girl and not let go because we both lost our mothers for all intents and purposes, anyway, I have a dilemma in my head that was touched on in another thread. I am a caregiver to everyone and that isn't going to change any time soon. I am trying to figure out what is normal and what isn't. I want to be hugged more often, haven't been hugged in months, I want to be able to literally cry on someone's shoulder and not feel like they are going to go away and not care about me anymore. I have this fear of being needy because I have seen it with other people, it pushes people away, especially if you can't reciprocate and I don't have a lot of experience in any kind of relationship to be honest. I realize no one is here for the express purpose to fulfill all my needs or whatever, but I should have someone in my life who can help me...I am having lunch with a church friend. I care about her and she has visited me in the hospital when I had cancer but we aren't particularly close mainly because I never socialize. I am going to try to tentatively reach out to her at least to see each other and talk to each other. I am in no way trying to replace my mother or look for someone like that, but just someone that is there...I can't explain but it probably makes sense. I need people in my life who aren't dependent on me. At least not in that way. Anyway thanks again for the listening and I welcome comments.

[roads]

I'm so happy for you, Adelissa! You're stressed badly but have an idea of what you need in your life and are trying to get it. You are so strong & brave although I'm sure you don't feel all that.

You and your niece are mutual blessings in each other's lives. I cannot imagine what would become of her in this world were you not the woman you are.

I'm so glad you're at PsychCentral. I know you've been feeling your way around here and I hope you're beginning to feel that you are at home. It's a unique and generous community, I think.

Please keep posting and let us know how things go. Take very excellent care of you as you continue being caretaker of everyone else. You come first. Air masks in airplanes, remember!

[needfixing]

sorry for your loss (((hugs)))

it sounds like your burned out and thats ok. being a caretaker myself, i find time out to be with my friends, workout, listen to music, whatever it takes to give myself permission to take a break and be myself.

i believe you need to take care of yourself first so you can give to others.

thanks for sharing.