[prometheusunbound]

Something I’ve been working on with my therapist lately is paying attention to cognitive distortions in automatic thoughts and trying to determine what an alternative, more rational thought might be and how to act on it. For the most part, a lot of this is straightforward, but one spot I got stuck on in our session today that I need to think about between now and next time is what to do about the automatic thoughts associated with the actions of other people who are intending to hurt me in some way.

When people hurt, or offend, or frustrate me accidentally, that’s one thing. It’s easy to see that my emotional reactions are generally unwarranted and to let things go. But when the other person was meaning to upset me, letting go seems…like deciding to be a doormat.

I’m trying to remember how he was wording things… Part of the trick is realizing that your emotional response can’t hurt you and letting it go can’t hurt you and reacting on the trigger is likely to only make things worse and feed the cycle. And again, that’s all well and good when the other party had no ill intent. But what about when they do? How do you figure out what the appropriate reaction is? How do you look at it in a way that keeps you calm but also doesn’t make you someone’s punching bag or doormat? I mean, the very reason automatic responses are there in the first place, is that they served as a defense mechanism. And if such defense mechanisms really aren't warranted, then you should work to get rid of them. But what about when you still need some sort of defense mechanism?

[di meliora]

Hello, prometheusunbound. Sometimes I simply smile and say nothing. If the abuser persists, I will go to a different room or talk to someone else. No matter what, I will not talk to the abuser. If the abuser puts you in danger of harm, I will ask for help to get safely away from the aggressor.

Your therapist likely will have a better answer.

Good luck.

[unaluna]

Hey prometheus. I think I was having this issue this week, but my family is like so freakin passive aggressive they can't even hurt you properly. my brother calls me xmas morning 9 AM!!! to invite me to dinner that day. He called me wednesday to tell me about a relative's funeral wed/thursday (the guy died last saturday).

it finally made me feel better and got me out of my feeling crummy loop when I was able to rationalize that the reason for the last minute notifies was so that I don't bring a friend. My T was like, whaaa? I'm like, you know, for them, it makes sense. We were trying to figure out why on earth my brother would keep calling me like this - it's certainly not making ME feel any better.

I just thank him for calling. I have asked to have a r/s w/my nephew that doesn't involve having to see my mother. My brother ignores that and says there is only one way for "the family" to get together, and when I am "ready to come back, I may", which he reiterated Sunday. His stupid phone calls trigger me, and I cannot do all the good things for myself that I need to do. But at least I am not doing as many bad things, I guess.

Tomorrow morning, no defense mechanisms. I take my power back. You read it here first. Maybe if I keep saying it, I will eventually make it happen?

Hi prometheusunbound--welcome to PC!!!!!

Your thread, and what you say reminded me of a great Psychiatrist I had once...he used to just ask one question...and I'd make it my theme for the month!

He once asked me (relative to what you are asking here, about "reacting on the trigger" and not thinking...just reflexively reacting--I still have problems with it..much less these days...just don't let a whole lotta people near me anymore):

"Imagine you are sitting round a campfire, and I told you to put your hand into the fire; and you complied...What do you see?"

my immediate response: "A hand in the fire" my doc smiled. I thought about it all month...still think about it.............

"Grasshopper" here! Hope you get something from that. ~~~~~~~Pax theo

[needfixing]

for many years my relatives were purposely being rude and disrespectful towards me.
i thought maybe something was wrong with me, and i blamed myself.

i am the type of person that needs to know why things are happening to me. so i went on line and read behavioral disorders and a light bulb went off!

my relatives are passive aggressive! does this excuse there behavior? NO! but blaming myself STOPPED!