[Dean Carlson]

This is my first post. I'm just going to spew out all the emotional things I have had trouble with. Some of these I have gotten a lot better in, but I still have to consciously think about them. Sort of like telling my brain to "Stop thinking like that!" Some of these I NEED A LOT of help with. I don't have time to rate them on difficulty, so I'm just going to list them. I would like any recommendations, coping mechanisms, support, or even similar instances you've experienced on any of these topics. I don't feel like any of my issues require a therapist, so please adhere from advising me to get help. It's more of financial thing really. Well, here goes nothing.....

Impulsive - I get excited about doing something without planning. This wastes a lot of time. I'm late a lot. I've gotten better at important things, like work, or picking someone up. I'm impulsive about MANY things. I smoke cigarettes. I tried to stop quitting. But I get so impulsive. I realized I don't want to stop smoking. I smoke about 3-4 per day. 6 on a long day. I know it's horrible for my health, but it's a habit now. period.

Dependancy - I have a dependent personality somtimes. I see it with my music. I've always listened to music. I have gone from music with lyrics, music without lyrics, comedy, and talk radio. I'm currently listening to Personal Development audio. The constant audio in my ear also makes me isolated. It makes me hesitant and sometimes fearful when I'm in public and I don't have my music. I also get annoyed at the general conversation of the public. I think it's because I'm not use to it, because I'm always listening to music. When I find something new that I like, I create this dependancy to it. Similar to addiction. I get withdrawal when I don't regularly have it. I'd like to live a simpler life. But it's weird because I do enjoy simple things, like nature, bugs, and animals.

Too nice to people - I sometimes can't be real with people. I treat them too good. I end being stepped on or not heard. I always like to ask people what they're into it. But often times they don't ask me the same question. I'm afraid of conflict. I currently live with my mom, brother (10), and sister (13). For the first few years of their life they had a good home. Mom, Dad, happy family. He's my step dad btw. But after the divorce, it all went to ****. Nobody handled it well. We've been through a lot of fights as a family. I've always been the mediator. Trying to take both sides into consideration. Maybe it's because of that. It's why I'm so tired of hearing people argue. I'm hypersensitive to negative tones. I hear it, and it just bugs me! To the point where I just want to put on my headphones or leave the room. I know this fear of conflict can harm me in my professional and personal life. I need to realize that arguments are common. Each argument has different degrees. And most are small and people will get over them.

I'm too empathetic - I listen to people's stories a lot. But when my family complains about the same things every other day, I just get sick of it! You don't hear my complaining! I think about what people want to hear. So I don't always release my worries. I feel like I'm that guy in my family. When my mom worries about money, I get this depressed and helpless feeling that no matter how hard I try to progress in my career, we'll always be poor.

I let emotions linger - My brain tells me, "This feeling will pass. Be patient." But my body tells me, "Ride this feeling. Squeeze it for every last drop. Escalate it, until it reaches a violent climax! Muahahaha!" I was raised by my mom, and I noticed I'm more emotional than most men who had a father figure. I enjoy emotions. Maybe that's why I like to keep them around when they're elicited - even the destructive ones.

Impatient - I get very impatient. I get irritated easily when things aren't going exactly how I planned them. Or they're taking too much time.

Over Analyze - I over analyze EVERYTHING. I drive it to the ground until it has no more life. no more meaning.

Thrill seeker - Once I enjoy something and analyze it, I like to repeat it. This leads to thrill seeking. I have a hard time knowing when to stop. I disregard my health, time, and energy.

Boredom - If I don't have it my way, I get bored. Then i get impatient. Then i get irritated.

High expectations - I've developed high expecations when it comes to activities, relationships, everything. I've learned a lot of this from movies, music, and media in general. The fairy tale.

Lack of determination - I'm currently teaching myself how to do 3d modeling (Toy Story, Tin Tin) and when encounter I problem I can't get around, I get frustrated easily and want to stop. Then I feel more bad because I had an expectation of working for let's say 2 hours. I get so busy that, if I don't do it within those 2 hours, I won't have time to work again for another couple of days.

Figuring out a steady pace - I'm a manager at smoothie place (very similar to a coffee shop) so I have to move and think fast. I'm still adjusting to the pace, but sometimes I feel rushed. When I get home, I want to take my time and move as slow as possible. I want to figure out a steady pace for when I'm at work and out of work. I don't like the shifting speeds. It's hard to calculate at what pace I'm going to finish daily tasks and errands.

Watching other people's lives and forgetting about mine - I get this a lot from watching movies and listening to music. I get obsessed with what they're doing, and I forget to live my own.

Getting obsessed with an activity - I lost track of time and get lost in activities. I'll make plans to hang out with my girlfriend, then I'll either be an hour late, or come on time, but resent her for taking me away from my fun time. Either way I feel bad.

Looking to far into the future - Have you ever seen Good Will Hunting? The main character is about a genius with abandonment issues. His therapist asks him, "Why didn't you take that job to work for the NSA? (cracking codes for the government)" He goes off on this intelligent, detailed scenario of how his job will only hurt the Americans the government supposedly protect. The therapist replies with, "That's your problem Will. You look so far ahead that you sabatoge any idea of moving forward with your life." I know exactly how both of them feel. I over analyze all the options. And in the end, all of them are bleak. It becomes a choice of choosing the lesser evil. Sad.

So there's most it. Like I said, any comments, questions, concerns, or tips are welcome. I love having a forum like this. Thank you for reading this. And I hope all of you are doing well in achieving your personal goals. Some people make it look easy and have had easier lives, but at least we will grow from our hard work. Remember to enjoy the journey on your long path to who you know you can be.

[Callmebj]

Hi Dean, I know the feeling about thinking something to the inth degree. Do you take any anxiety meds. I started them a few years back and they helped.

You are smoking up to 6 cigarettes a day, or is that 6 packs?

I get obsessed too like on genealogy research; my kin does not understand my excitement in finding out about our ancestors and talking to them about it is like
wth???

Take care, bj