[sunangel803]

I got into an argument with my husband tonight. It started over the fact that I said I was sad that we hadn't hardly spent any time together this evening (actually the last few evenings). I wasn't trying to be accusatory or trying to start an argument - I was just stating how I felt with the hope that we could talk about it. He said I was blaming him for me being sad, which wasn't the case at all (or at least I wasn't trying to come off that way anyway).

When he comes home in the evening and I'm home (I work part time in the evenings, so I'm not always here when he gets here), we usually have dinner together, but that's it. After that, he just wants to watch television (in Spanish, because that's his first language). I know a little Spanish but it's hard to follow along at times, so usually I wind up doing something else, like playing with our one year old, getting online, reading a book, etc. After watching television for awhile, he turns it off and goes to get on the internet for an hour or so. So again, I'm on my own (by this time our son is usually in bed), so I'll watch television by myself or read. After he gets off the internet, he usually goes to bed because he has to get up early for work. I have a hard time falling asleep, so I don't go to bed until later.

Anyway, that's been our evenings recently. I was feeling bummed out because I wanted to spend time with him (and had told him so earlier in the evening that I wanted us to hang out together). When he asked me what was wrong, I told him (trying my best not to accuse or blame him for my feelings). Then he got angry, saying I was blaming him for me being sad. He then goes on and on, making comments like, "well I actually WORK during the day and make money" (I work part time, but am trying to find either another part time job in addition to what I already do or a full time job). He told me that I need to "get a life," and that he doesn't care about me. He was raising his voice at me and cussing at me, and I was crying and asking him to stop. I didn't want to get into an argument with him, so I said I was leaving, and walked into our computer room. He followed me, still raising his voice.

I had hoped he would stop when I said I didn't want to argue and left. I got online to check my work email and he commented (thinking I was looking at job postings), "What are you doing? They're not going to hire you. You don't have the right license." (this is referring to his earlier comment about he "actually works," insinuating that I apparently don't work in his mind). Finally, he gave up and went to bed, but the whole argument has left me shaken up emotionally to the point that I feel sick to my stomach.

I never intended to try to start an argument or to try to make him feel bad. He asked what was wrong, and I told him. I've always believed that spouses should be able to talk about their feelings with one another.

Anyway, I'm going to try to sleep now. Thank you for reading. I was just trying to vent, but if you have any helpful advice for me, I'm opening to hearing it. I hope you have a good day.

[roads]

Have you ever been able to discuss "your feelings" with him in a way that he encouraged & found interesting? If so, can you pinpoint when that changed?

[sunangel803]

If I'm talking about something that doesn't relate to him, then he doesn't get mad about it. For example, if I talked to him about a frustrating situation at work, he can handle it. However, if the problem relates to him in some way, he seems to view it as a personal attack. That's why I try to word what I say in a non-accusatory, non-blaming manner. To a degree, he's always been like this, but tonight he just snapped really fast.

Thank you for your reply.

[gma45]

I am sorry you are hurting. Sounds like you have to walk on egg shells when you speak to your husband and that is not fair to you. Does he drink? People that blow up like that usually have other things bothering them. Is he unhappy and just trying to make you miserable too? I hope tonight was better.

[Harley47]

I am sorry sunangel. You didn't do anything wrong from the sound of your post. I hope I can be of a little help.

Can you think of anything that would've set him off more than "usual" tonight? Perhaps something with work? I'm not trying to say that he's excused by a bad day at work, he's not. You weren't the result of his bad day, thus you don't deserve to be the brunt of his anger (assuming that's even the problem. I was just using an example).

This really shouldn't be an okay norm...a wife should feel 100% comfortable talking to her husband about anything, and vice versa. You shouldn't need to pick and choose every word that comes out of your mouth. You're talking to your husband, not campaigning for office. I am sorry it's that way between you two. I would ask you about the possibility of talking to him about it or perhaps couples counseling, but I don't know how he would approach that.

I am very sorry he upset you. Please, know that you didn't do anything wrong, and stay strong, okay? I will keep you in my prayers.

I am very sorry that he upset you. Please, take solace in the fact you didn't do anything wrong, and this

[sunangel803]

Thank you for your replies, Gma and Harley. No, doesn't drink or use any illegal drugs. He does take an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication. I'm kind of wondering if maybe his medication needs to be adjusted in some way.

I don't think anything out of the ordinary happened at work yesterday - he said it was a pretty good day. I dont know what his deal is. I would think most people would be happy to know that someone wants to spend time with them - especially their spouse. This is still really bothering me - my stomach feels like it's in knots.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

[Harley47]

You're welcome Sunangel. It's the least we can do.

Do you know what he's taking? I'm not qualified to comment on how they would affect him (I've no experience with them), but perhaps someone here might be familiar with the drugs and their side effects.

I am sorry you're still feeling bad. Please, stay strong, and know we're all in your corner.