[DreamerInState]

i feel overwhelmed with school, likewise since i had come back from independent study nothing seems to go right anymore, no more safe zone just classes, people, and, all the drama that goes with it. My mother feels obligated to tell me what i should do in my spare time but she doesn't get i'm already giving up, she has never been in the position i have been, she passed with flying colors when she was young, smart yeah figures, me i am to a point but i never felt motivated since i was always declared, by my friends, to be the one that won't make it. I'm missing more credits and i might not even graduate on time, a simple time to rejuvenate after mental breakdowns ends up being a race to catch up, they expect me not to stress? I AM STRESSING, having to hear how my friends are freaking out over a stupid c's im freaking over an F that never seems to get better no matter the work i do. I told myself i wanted to be a doctor, not anymore since it just postpones death apparently, now i want to be a musician-it was my minor- yet i feel like i can't even manage that. No one will hire people who couldn't even pass high school, oh wait im not even considered mental enough to get by with my work like my other friend either, while my friend is still in classes no credits lost doing nothing but sulking on what to make her life as and another friend who has been to juvey and back with not intention of doing well, gets better grades than me. I wonder what i do wrong!?! I'm always doing my work, im really good at chemistry for someone who hasnt stepped in class for over 3 to 4 months, i never get in trouble, i listen, i get decent grades on test and such and im still one of the lowest kids, i'm always having to hear "You're just barely there," but never close enough no matter how much I try. Nothing even interest me anymore i feel almost like killing myself, i don't want to end up homeless, I would rather die, and this simple dream of me becoming any where near popular in music leaves me with no choices, i want to change this, i do! But i don't think education wise will ever cease to be different. I'm being pushed over limits i dont want, i ask my mother to leave me alone, im not perfect, i'm not that little girl who cried over stupid B's anymore. Half the time those things dont matter to me, im always trying to just be happy in general i feel like i will never be just because of all these things, all i want to do is music, THAT is what makes me happy yet i feel like its a stupid dream to everyone even if they dont say it, they encourage but it always seems like they will find me in a state of failure and desperation financially. my bf says "oh well your voice will be loved by the kids later on" and im like i want everyone to hear it, i dont want to sit on my butt with children crying in my arms, bf/husband working while im in my pjs in a mess regretting the things i didnt do in my life. I want kids, no lie, but i dont want them to become hopeless of dreams as i would be considered, i want to live before they even do so then i can be example of the things they are capable REGARDLESS of the obstacles that would come. At least im not asking to be a model like the other barbies at school, it wont be mutilating me inside and out. I have a relative into music, he does rnb which i would rather do techno, pop, or rock because they are the genres i listen to and mostly known to people, hey maybe ill make a difference in nowadays radio, and after it all contribute to the other things i know i can do, like computers, psychology, medical, chemistry, it would be easier if i had money, had decent motivation. But for now i want to get into music until then everything else becoming a legal profession, besides the music, is for later on.