THIS IS SOMETHING THAT STRANGELY ENOUGH I'M QUITE PLEASED ABOUT. FOR A VERY LONG TIME IT SEEMED MY EMOTIONS WERE FLATTENED AND AT TIMES DIDN'T SEEM TO EXIST AT ALL OUTSIDE MY OWN DWELT UPON MISERY. THIS WENT ON FOR A PERIOD OF YEARS ACTUALLY. STARTING ABOUT THE SAME TIME AS I BEGAN TO BE A BIT OF A LONER. NOT FROM PREFERENCE HOWEVER. ANYWAY I BEGAN TO ISOLATE MYSELF FROM FRIENDS FAMILY AND SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS. THAT OF COURSE MADE ME SINK WITHIN MY OWN PAIN EVEN MORE AND NOT ABLE TO PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO ANYONE ELSES. NOT THAT THERE WERE MANY LEFT TO CARE ABOUT ANYWAY AS TIME PROGRESSED AND I WRAPPED THE SHELL TIGHTER AROUND MYSELF.

AFTER THIS FLATTENED EMOTIONAL STATE BECAME A WAY OF LIFE ALMOST I GOT QUITE A SURPRISE ONE DAY. OK OK...IT'S A BIT ODD MAYBE BUT I WAS TICKLED PINK WHEN I CALMED BACK DOWN...LET ME EXPLAIN.

I HAD LITTLE INTEREST IN TV OR MOVIES FOR A LONG TIME. MY LITTLE WORLD WAS RADIO AND BOOKS. THAT AND PACING WHEN I WASN'T TRYING TO MAKE ENOUGH DOUGH TO KEEP THE ROOF OVER MY HEAD. THEN ONE DAY A NEIGHBOR HOOKED ME INTO HIS CABLE CHANNEL. I WATCHED SOME PUBLIC AFFAIRS STUFF/A@E/NATURE AND SCIENCE SHOWS...THAT SORT OF THING. NO DRAMAS AND NOT TOO MUCH COMEDY EITHER. I WAS AN EMOTIVE NEUTRAL. WELL THAT'S WHAT I'LL CALL IT.

THEN ONE NIGHT I WAS CAUGHT BY AN INTERESTING MOVIE THAT SORT OF GRABBED ME. A WEIRD INTERESTING LITTLE FLICK CALLED FORREST GUMP. eVERYTHING WAS FINE...COOL LITTLE MOVIE...IT HAD MY ATTENTION SUCH AS IT WAS AT THE TIME. THEN THE ENDING...WHEN THE GIRL HE LOVED FOR YEAS DIED AND HE FOUND HE HAD A SON. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT I WON'T GET INTO IT. BUT WHEN OLD FORREST WAS SPEAKING TO HER HEADSTONE ABOUT HIS LOVE AND HIS KID ETC? MAN OH MAN...THE BIGGEST FATTEST TEARS SINCE CHILDHOOD STARTED ROLLING. I WAS QUIET BUT MY EYES LEAKED LIKE HELL AND MY NOSE RAN LIKE A BABY. EVERY BLINK SENT 'EM FLOWING. I WAS FEELING BAD FOR THIS GUY. HIS SENSE OF LOSS REALLY WIPED ME OUT. I WAS KINDA LAUGHING AT THE SILLINESS OF CRYING AT A MOVIE AT THE SAME TIME. I WAS STUNNED. AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AGES I REALIZED I WAS FEELING SOMETHING. SOUNDS DUMB AND TOO EASY...SOUNDS IDIOTIC AND IMPROBABLE BUT THERE IT WAS. I FELT A LOT BETTER AFTERWARDS...BELIEVE IT. IT WAS LIKE A RELIEF. I WAS SO AMAZED.

SINCE THAT TIME THERE HAVE BEEN SEVERAL SCENES IN MOVIES THAT HAVE HAD THIS EFFECT. I CAN'T HELP IT. THE COMMON THREAD IN THEM ALL IS WHEN SOMEONE LOSES SOMEONE ELSE NEVER TO RETURN TO THEM. LOVE LOST SO TO SPEAK. IT'S LAUGH TIME FOLKS!! YEP...THE DAMNED SCENE AT THE END OF TITANTIC GOT ME GOING ALL OVER AGAIN. OTHER MOVIES TOO. THAT WHOLE LOSS OF LOVE THAT CAN NEVER BE BROUGHT BACK. IT KILLS ME...HILARIOUS! BUT WHYEVER IT HAPPENS I'M QUITE CONTENT TO LET IT. I DON'T SEEK THESE SCENES OUT BUT WHEN THEY HAPPEN I HAVE NO PROBLEM. MIND YOU I'D STIFLE IT IN COMPANY. FACE IT JOHNNY YOU'RE A 200LB BURLY SORTA GUY WITH A SHAVED HEAD AND GOATEE...NOT PROPER BEHAVIOR RIGHT? STILL IT KILLS ME THAT THIS HAPPENS. AND I LOVE IT. I AIN'T DEAD. NOT COMPLETELY ANYWAY. FREUD AND HIS SUBSEQUENT COHORTS CAN MAKE OF THAT WHAT THEY WILL. I THOUGH IT WAS A BLESSING. I FELT. I FEEL. NOT AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE BUT THERE'S EVIDENCE OF A HEART STILL IN THERE SOMEWHERE AND I'M FRIGGIN' RELIEVED. hOLY MUCK...THIS IS A LONG POST...I CAN TIE ON A DECENT RAMBLE WHEN I'M ONTO SOMETHING. WILL THIS EVEN POST? HAHA...WILL ANYONE EVEN READ IT WITH THE VIRTUAL LACK OF PARAGRAPHING??? AW HELL IT WAS MEDICINE FOR ME JUST TO TYPE IT. NIGHT Y'ALL...I HAVE TO GO BANDAGE MY INDEX FINGERS...AND SLEEP! IT'S BLOODY DAWN!!

I just have to add this and i'm done with my 'weepy' confession. Prior to 'goin' funny in the head' so to speak at 38 or so, I led a fairly stable personal life and was never ever affected like this by mush no matter how heart rending. Oh I had plenty of emotions back then but it just wasn't in me to react to that stuff in that way. Maybe the years spent in self imposed exile from life had me starved enough emotionally to react to images and scenes of tragic personal loss. Anyway I maintain that it was healthy and I'm grateful for it's happening like I said earlier. Only a rare movie or show will react with me like that. Maybe 1/2 dozen times a year since 2000 or so. Weird stuff but it's ok with me. I'm still kickin' somewhere deep in there. And now....sleeep....finally*

[roads]

Sounds like a bit of catharsis going on there, buddy! I was a theatre major and that's the stuff where a bit of art tugs at something in you and gives you a major emotional release. A good thing that usually refreshes the spirit.

I have a small collection of what I call my feel-good movies. Don't watch them very often so I don't wear out their effect, but if I start a skid toward the bottom watching one can sometimes slow me down. My form of safe self-medicating.

Roadie