[Wants2Fly]

My mother, 87, is dying or perhaps I should say she is killing herself. She was diagnosed with cardiopulmonary disease and black lung in 2008 after a lifetime of smoking.

Which she continues to do, then points to her medications and says that's what is making her breathless. She has been in the ER several times this month, gets the oxygen she needs, then checks herself out without getting the food and bath and tests she needs. She refuses to sign her medical proxy and one of these trips to the ER will result in her being declared incompetent and a ward of the state.

She calls me crying for help one minute; then when I say things she doesn't want to hear, has an aunt call and tell me to leave her alone.

She was a highly critical mother. Creating a more stable self-concept has been the major project of my life. In recent years with the help of a therapist, mom and I had a better relationship.

But now we are back to "My son is the one who thinks like I do" -- a son who told this frail, very ill old woman that he "washes his hands" of the situation. Even though I know she is not responsible for her behavior at this stage, feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough.

As well, my aunts whom I love, her sisters, hint that I should be spending more time with mom and doing more to help her -- even it stinks of ciggies in that apartment and even they cannot stand to be there for too long.

To add to the overall chaos, fear, and overwhelming emotions, two of my income streams dried up abruptly this month. The loss is significant and worrisome. Is their loss my fault? Maybe, maybe not. But it sure adds to those feelings of inadequacy.

I have some older friends, but I don't want to repeat how badly I feel over and over. Once should do it.

I am lonely. I find it hard to make friends. When I meet new people, I feel as if the conversation is superficial, and I have trouble getting past that stage. Everything was easier when I was young and drinking -- and it has been decades since that was over for me. Sometimes I am very cranky possibly because of chronic fatigue and pain, and having to work a couple of jobs and long hours, but maybe I am just a cranky old bag.

[Leed]

Dearheart, you are NOT a cranky old bag. You have a LOT of responsibility right now, not to mention having to work TWO JOBS, which is HARD on you because you're in pain all the time and have chronic fatigue!! Good heavens my friend -- what more is going to happen to you!! And now you have to contend with a very difficult mother besides!

Bless your heart, it sounds like you're about at the end of your rope. You need some help. Is she able to take care of her needs? I assume she's on Social Security. How about having Visiting Nurse Service come in a few times a week? Call Social Services and see what services they can offer for her. She MIGHT even qualify for Hospice -- that ISN'T only for the dying! It is for people like your Mom, who have serious illnesses too! They come in several times a week, and care for her, plus an aid comes in a bathes her, changes bedding, etc. There are all kinds of services that are available, but you have to get in touch with Social Services. That would ease your time a whole lot!! And YOU need some EASING LOL

I sure hope something can be done. I know this has taken a toll on you, as I can hear it in your post. Please take good care of yourself, ok? You sound like you need a lot of REST. God bless and please let us know how you're doing ok? I'm worried about you! Hope to hear from you soon. Hugs, Lee

[Wants2Fly]

Thanks for commenting, Leed. I needed to hear the "there, there."

I am working toward getting help to mother, but she is changeable: One day I am supposed to "take care of everything" and the next day she has my aunt call me to say "Butt out." Always a sign of her ire when she does not call herself.

The jobs aren't as bad as it sounds; I was being perhaps a tad dramatic. One is 3/4 time and the other I can drop in and out on for 5-week periods. It just happened that I was starting a five-week class when all the stuff started happening with Mother.

I am so very grateful for your empathy, Leed.