Everything in life makes me feel so drained and hopeless. It’s like no matter how much I work, what I do, or how long I wait, in the end all I have done is swap one hell for another, never actually feeling or living any better than before.

I went from enduring physical and sexual abuse for 18 years to living in a car when my dad shot himself (among the many family members to do so) and our house was repossessed before I finished high school. Now whenever someone calls it is a creditor looking for money or the hydro company threatening to cut electricity to us. I’ve also been involved with a dispute with a university for almost a year now and have been battling them. Oil and insurance companies, banks, and universities have to be the most vicious organizations I’ve ever had to deal with when it comes to sucking all the financial resources out of me. I swear I will eat someone alive if they further attempt to convince me to re-attend a university.

And my social life isn’t any better than it’s basically ever been. I was alone, isolated, and rejected as a child, I’m alone, isolated, and rejected now, and I expect that in the future I will be alone, isolated, and rejected still, all that despite my wonderful character and charm.

I so badly wish that I could live a life like what my best friend does in the U.S. She can travel, she has friends, she has good looks, she’s in school, she has everything I don’t.

I feel like I am running on a treadmill; no matter how much work I do I never feel closer to what I want to accomplish and the things I want to do.

Often I feel like I am so fed up with life. Seldom do I smile that much but I cry everyday. One of the reasons I stopped using Facebook the first time was because I felt like I never had anything to say that wasn’t bad, so I stopped saying anything.

Feels so hopeless.

[Leed]

Hi my friend ~ I have a feeling you're going to HATE me after this, but i've got to say it because I WAS where you are right now. I felt exactly the same way, and I was in the same "condition."

Like I did, I have a feeling that you PROJECT gloom and doom, instead of happiness and joy. Even if you don't FEEL it, you have to at least project it in order for people to feel comfortable around you. If you only project sadness and depression, people are going to back off -- they don't want to feel terrible -- it upsets them. I did that years ago, and no one wanted to be around me anymore. I unknowingly pushed people away with the way I acted. Even my demeanor showed them I was feeling crummy, and if they talked to me, they figured I'd tell them my life's woes, and they didn't want to hear that. Even if I wasn't going to do that, they didn't know that cause of the way I was projecting.

So we have to learn to stand up tall, smile, act joyful even when we feel like dying inside -- We can't keep projecting gloom. More people will stick around if we don't dump our cares & woes on them. Just talk about current affairs, funny stuff, whatever. But leave the personal stuff for the therapist.

Anyway -- that's what I found. Hope I didn't upset you or make you mad. I care about you. Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee