This just dawned on me

Mindinpieces · Jul 10, 2012, 12:46 PM

I think I have come to another turning point in understanding myself and how my emotions affect me. It’s seems to have just dawned on me today, that I have really lost the desire to want to live and have a life or even just care for existing in the first place. I guess everyone feels like this from time to time. I never really question my desire or intentions behind my life and the way in which I live my life. I have sort of just gone on auto pilot it seems for most part of these last few years. I guess it really does come down to I need to find or regain in some ways a reason and purpose behind my life. Instead of just living because your alive and here. If this makes sense.

Also this probably explains why I don’t interact well with others in general and especially in my real life. I guess this is why I consider others as acceptable and right in some way… they have a different presence about them. That I thought I could never have, no matter how hard I try. I never really question what this could be. Apart from that I was horrible and not a worthy person of existing. However maybe it just was, all this time, that they had passion and desire for life or a reason that kept them going, something to live for is another way to put it. I guess as well, no wonder people didn’t like me or relate to me in the same way they do other people.

Understanding this hasn’t really made everything alright but it’s a start. However I have never really have had a desire for life. Considering the last time I did I was in school and really those where only … get far away from family as far as possible… in means of get high paying job hopefully I would have been clever by then…. You don’t stop to think what it takes (this was when I was like middle school age 10ish there about) you just assume it could happen and what good would it be if you didn’t have hope. Once I grew up a bit and a few things happened. This change working in the job role I was working in, retail sale assistant. That’s all I wanted with enough hours that meant I could just rent a place and pay the bills. That went deeply wrong for many reasons. But really if I had to have one desire to live for. It would be that I could have a long career just working in retail in a job similar to the one I had…. Not asking for much here. But this seems impossible and therefore the desire just for that dwindles and then there nothing else about me to fall back on. What I mean by this is that’s all I have to live for. If my chances of that are next to nothing then there’s no point to my existence, sad really in some respects… that I really am a shadow of a person and life.

I never though in getting a bit older and a few things happening that my mind would end up in piece going through that process. Maybe this is just what happens when you get older and a bit wiser than before. However I have seemed to have lost that childhood just desire for a reason or purpose that keeps you going. Also I have notices now I tend to worry about how things will turn out. Before I never worried, they just happen and you couldn’t know until it happened …. I guess when you’re a kid things just seems to work out. Maybe it’s more that you’re insensitive to how things really are or the impact they have because you just don’t have that worry or life experiences to contemplate those things or line of thoughts. I think I have ramble on enough now. I just thought I would get this out and if you can maybe understand me then that’s something. Thank You for reading.

dg1983 · Jul 10, 2012, 06:11 PM

Hey there, I understand you. Finding a purpose or passion in life doesn't come easy, and can take a lot of time to find. Some people are content with living a life without a true purpose; however, I'm glad you strive for more meaning

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This just dawned on me

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