[kismetie]

So I'm not one to really let people get too involved deeply with me on a personal and emotional level. Some times when I'm surrounded by high emotional levels that are negative like angry or a sad situation I become very uncomfortable.

But I can't remember the last time I was really happy for a long period of time. I still get happy when I'm with my friends, but it's different now. It's somehow less. And a lot of times when I am happy in the back of my head I'm wondering how long it'll last.

I get really small tidbits of depression that range from mild to rather heavy but they don't last long. And once they have happen when I try to recall how I was feeling in that moment all I get is this feeling of foreign-ness or alienation.

I don't remember the last time I was 100% genuinely happy but I'm use to it now. Everyone of my friends knows I can be very sarcastic, that's just how I am. But my best friend says I can be an angry person at times and I'm quick to feel emotions like anger or bitterness.

And she's kind of right, I wrote an entry in a blog about 3 or 4 months back and these were the feelings I said I was able to feel.

• anger/loathing
  false happiness
  irritation
  frustration
  depression
  hopelessness
  loneliness
  confusion
  
  

Why can't I seem to feel some more positive emotions?
And despite all this, not once do I ever cry. I find it really hard to do.
The only time I find myself crying is over something fictional.

[IowaFarmGal]

Look for the things that go right in your day even if they are small things. Little enjoyments like the taste of a favorite food or a fun moment with friends. Maybe keep a journal of these moments to read through when things get dark so you remember it isn't always like that. Notice the positives in your world like a beautiful sunset or the feel of a gentle breeze on your face, flowers in bloom, the various shades and colors in nature. Make yourself notice if you have to but notice all is not darkness. Meditate on gratitude, relax and breathe deeply for five minutes and then think about what is good in your life, what you did well that day, something nice a friend did, do you have food and shelter, what is right in the present moment. Embrace positive, who you would like to be, small steps to head in that direction, what are you good at. Build on strength. Hope something is helpful here. I'm fighting the same battle. These are things my coaches are suggesting for me. Good Luck!