Recently I've been struggling a lot. I get the feeling that apart from my best friend, no one really understands what I'm trying to get through.
My house burned down exactly one month ago. Now, as far as I've been able to determine, I have a lot, a
whole lot to go through. I can divide it into real needs, and psychological needs. If you have any advice on -any- of those problems, please tell me! I'm lost and I want to be helped.
I have until, at most, the 10th of august to find somewhere to live. I've lost everything short of my laptop and my memories, and with my friend's help I've decided that I needed to cut the ties with my mother.
- I'm looking for an appartment up here, but I don't know what to do. I called the city's various organizations and I look on websites often for ads, but I can't find anywhere that isn't already taken so far.
- I've lost almost every important document and now I need to get them back, but it takes so long that I'm worrying about it. Any way to speed it up at all?
- I've stopped school in the middle of high school and never graduated, but now I have a goal in mind: I want to either become a videogame concept designer or a professional cook. I've heard of something called "equivalence courses", I believe? something that would help me catch up so I can finally move on with my schooling.
- I want to move to the United states in one or two years, to help my best friend (we both run eachother ragged sometimes, but we've always ultimately worked better paired up than not. sappy as it is to write it, we've saved eachother's life more than once). Can anyone tell me how that would work? (I'm in Canada.)
I've also got a lot of problems right now, in my head. None of it is formally diagnosed (I'm waiting for a call from a therapist who'll be better equipped than me to figure out what I need), but by now I'm more or less sure of it.
- I very likely have depression. I have no energy to do anything a lot of the time when I'm on my own (when I'm with someone else it's much easier because I get freak amounts of energy even for things I naturally hate to do), to the point where if I didn't have my computer and the internet, I'd just lie in bed and stare at the floor or sleep. It's a chore to even shower, or change clothes, or even make anything that's not instant food, to the point where I don't eat at all because not even the hunger headache will get me up for more than a tylenol and water. Anyone has any self-motivating tips that they can share with me?
- I have problems talking with people, but only in my own age group. I'd rather hang back and watch them than try to engage, and when I do try to, my heart starts beating a hundred miles and my palms get extremely sweaty to the point it makes my hands slippery even in a handshake. It feels exactly like getting attacked by a dog in my head. And I can't help but be painfully aware that my school bullying (followed me all the way from middle school to high school until I dropped out!) hasn't left me with a lot of topics, and I really can't even think of a comment on the weather. "Hello" and "Bye" are about my only "conversations" with people.
- I feel like I have memory problems. I remember everything down to the detail for about an hour in the most exquisitely vivid ways, but once the hour is up I forget it in all but the most vague "it happened" way. I don't even remember what I ate yesterday, only that I ate, and then it's only things I absolutely love that I remember from that point on. I also have problems remembering to do things I've sworn I'd do, even if I've written them down. I've left my dishes soak overnight because I'd forgotten I was letting the water cool a bit, I've nearly flooded the kitchen by accident forgetting to close the water tap... And I can't remember numbers at all unless, again, it's related to my passions to the point where my PIN has to be noted down so I don't have to change it every month because I've forgotten it, which kind of makes a PIN useless.
- I've had suicidal thoughts lately, and I've gotten good at stopping, assessing, and pushing the thought away as something that won't help and isn't wanted, but it's frustrating that I even think of it. The latest I've had a few hours ago was "If I turn homeless, I might as well just die and hope for something better after", and I know and recognize it's not logical and not helpful either. But I have only one person I feel I'd let down if I killed myself, and it's my best friend. If it was just my mother, I'd write her a long letter about how much she failed at parenting and kill myself to spite her. (I told her about it and her reply was that she didn't "need the extra trouble" it would cause her.)
- Finally, the fire. I get on edge when I smell acrid burning, and only that scent. I'm much more nervous about low rumbling (anyone who's been near a roaring fire knows the rumbling noise) and orange light than I was before, and I immediately go on high alert when something makes a lot of steam (the electric kettle) or smoke (something spilled on a stovetop burning when I tried to use the stove). I actually wanted to panic and run away from the burning food spill. I'm also constantly trying to make an effort to keep what I value dearly at hand and seriously intend on keeping all my valuables in a backpack ready to evacuate with it, even though I hope that I won't have to use it. I'm also scared about trying to settle down anywhere and getting anything more than the bare minimum because I won't be able to bring it out with me.
I know it's a lot to read, and I'm sorry, but I'd just like any tips/tricks/considerations you might think of that I'm missing. Also, I'm fluent in english and french alike, so if you find french-language resources it's fine to link me to those instead.
Jul 17, 2012, 08:48 PM
I can't even imagine it! It's no wonder you're having problems.
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.
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