I originally posted this thread on the BPD forum, but I think this is another good spot for it and I still need help. Any ideas, suggestions, or just an encouraging word would be appreciated.

I guess you can say that I put myself in a really screwed up situation. I am in my 40's and have had BPD symptoms most of my life. I had a mom who definitely had it as well who was abusive. She said a long time ago "Don't ever tell anyone your personal problems." and basically punished me for doing so when I was young, so it's very hard for me to talk to people about it.

As a teenager and a young mom, I got suicidal and have been in to self harm but not cutting. I pinch until I bruise or snap a rubber band on my wrist until I have welts. Despite all the problems, I've had it under more or less control the last few years. Occasional outbreaks and breakdowns but nothing serious compared to stuff in the past. Then I met my daughter's boyfriend.

They had broken up and she was raped. I always liked him and she claimed that he was her first and I couldn't understand why she didn't tell him. I know I would have under similar circumstances regardless of whether I was getting along or not.

I decided to befriend him. I knew he had similar problems, but at the time I was thinking it was just depression and anxiety, and I felt as though I'd conquered the worst of mine and thought I could help him. He was obsessing about her leaving the way I had done several times. The more we talked, the more we connected. We just seemed to have so much in common that he was easy to talk to......something I've never really been able to do with anyone. He had abandonment issues and could get angry very fast and neither of us really knew who we were. As I continued talking to him, the BPD symptoms got worse and worse and I started disassociating at work, something I HAVE done in the past, but not severely in several years. Self harming and suicidal thoughts also returned, and I was having severe flashbacks of bad times in the past. I tried to disconnect from him several times and had angry bouts, but couldn't do it. He said he understood and would stick around regardless of how many times I pushed him away. That he understood the abandonment feeling and wouldn't do that to me. And he's the one who discovered BPD. Every single trait seemed to connect. I have/had done all of them at some point, and the more I associated with him, the worse they were getting. His issues appeared to be getting worse as well, but we alternated in ups and downs so we could help each other to some degree.

To make a long story short, things didn't go very well between he and my daughter and he started getting very angry; and I was caught in the middle. He got angry and pushed me away several times but came back, and finally got to the point where he cursed me out and told me to leave. I did the BPD thing and went to his house and begged and he called the police on me. I then wrote him a heart felt letter and he sent a text through my daughter that if I continued contacting him he'd put a restraining order on me and possibly file harrassment charges.

Nothing physical ever happened between us...it was all a mind thing, but I got really attached to him. Due to our similarities, I told him things I've never told anyone, and I have an extremely hard time trusting people, plus, I have no friends outside of family. That is probably what has saved me from a lot of this over the years. Whenever I get caught up with "friends" is when a lot of this appears.
It's been a month and I think about him constantly and it drives me crazy. I'm scared I'm going to do something stupid and get myself arrested. And like I said, this isn't the first time I've gone through this. About 15 years ago, I told my best friend off and she decided she'd had enough. I still go through bouts of obsessing about her, and have tried off and on to make amends but she refuses. If he truely has BPD first, I figured he'd be like I was with my friend and come around eventually, but at this point I don't know what to believe. Maybe he was manipulating me the entire time.

I know I need to seek help and fully intend to. We just moved and it makes it hard. I'm just trying very hard to not let all of this win. I need to be able to keep myself together for now. Need to not get so depressed or obsessive that I can't work. Just talking with someone who "gets it" helps. I have tried to talk to my husband and he tries, he knows something is wrong, but it just doesn't click. I've shown him info on BPD and he says that it could describe anyone......
Last week, the person I got close to came by here with a sack full of stuff we'd given him. Needless to say, I broke down and emailed him even though I shouldn't have. He didn't write back and I thought I had the willpower to stay away for at least a while.
Then today, I heard he'd come by. I don't know what to think, but I did the stupid, impulsive thing and wrote him again. I asked him to please make up with us before we move. We are moving across country and will be leaving on Saturday. I'm scared of leaving him as well as everyone else. I know the move will be good for me. It will allow me to leave behind all the old memories and start some new ones in a new setting, but I'm so scared.
I know I need to stop...please give me the willpower or some positive thoughts. Getting pretty desperate.

[kindachaotic]

Not to make light of your situation but have only basic suggestions.
Since he doesn't want to be contacted & you don't want to go to jail, only solution is to steer clear of him. Write him letters but don't send them, may help you wean yourself from his companionship. Has your husband or daughter stated an opinion on this "friendship/attachment" you have to this young man or is he a teenager?

Don't give up on your husband, read some info to him if he doesn't like to read. Since you intend on starting therapy yourself, couples therapy seems to be needed as well. Sounds like the move across country will be a good thing. You can make new friends more your age & not obsess about this fellow.

Don't know if this helped any but best wishes with your move.
Take care.

Like I stated at the beginning, I posted this on another forum prior to here. I should have edited it a little because it's been almost 2 months now and we've made our move. I wrote my husband a long letter about the BPD and my obsession. My hope was he'd read it and start an actual conversation that I could continue. What happened? Nothing! He said he read it and understood but said nothing else, and even though I told him I think of this person constantly and he was at the root of how I was feeling, he's still asking me what's wrong. Two months....still constantly there. I never intended for any of this to happen. I never knew how unstable I'd become. I was just trying to help my daughter. I wrote him a long email....haven't sent it yet. He's 19.... I just want to feel as though someone "gets it" and that I'm not completely alone.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

It can feel infuriating when we seem to try so hard to deal with a situation and someone just cannot or will not deal with it the way we would like.

I relate to dealing with this.

It sounds like you went out of your way to help your daughter, you wanted connection, recongnition. And then that man seemed to do the opposite of what you wanted him to do. And then your husband just seemed to blow it off, that letter.

I want to share many things with my roommate (whom I look up to) esp about my recovery and often he just can't take it all in. I sometimes put my writing in the bathroom where he can see it, but I try very hard not to push it on him.

I guess I can't have everything the way I want it. And it doesn't mean I have to discount who I am.

One of my self-help ideas goes like this: "People may not have room for my value 24/7, but I still have value..."

Just my thoughts.

I feel for you.

Billi