Well, it seems my best friend has left me; she has been ignoring my emails and messages on Tumblr, and today I noticed she stopped following me on Tumblr too.

I haven’t been this alone in a long time I don’t think.

So much for all those emails and poems about how awesome I am, how she won’t leave me, and how she likes talking to me. I fell for all that again; my last girlfriend said all of the same things as my best friend did, and she is not here either.

Surprisingly, I am not as upset as I usually am when I experience a social loss of this magnitude, and I think that is because I have been hurt so much by women in my life that I have become indifferent or have disassociated from this pain, a lot like how I am with self-harm. When I started to self-harm more routinely when I was 13, it wasn’t that bad, more symbolic than anything else I suppose, and I only did that when I was having a meltdown from stress and frustration. Now, whenever I have done it, I have had to be taken to the emergency room for stitches, and I have burned scars into me with metal. Nor do I need to have a meltdown to do it; I can do it whenever because I feel disassociated. Pain is easier and easier for me to deal with.

With socializing, I had a mental breakdown after I experienced my first significant rejection, and another breakdown after my first serious relationship collapsed. After so much of this and endless rejections and failed relationships, it feels like the norm for me now, almost like I can turn a blind eye to it, just like how when I self-harmed the last time I needed almost 20 stitches and two needles, but I didn’t even feel myself doing it.

Perhaps I am not meant to be in a relationship or have friends. No matter what I seem to do or how hard I try to make a friend and connect with others, it never works out for me, and that is not negative thinking, it is an observation based on my personal experience.

All I want is a female friend that I can talk to, trust, who accepts me, and who I can maybe do something with now and then. I don’t want sex, I don’t want to be kissed, I don’t want to move in with someone, all I would like is someone that I can talk to on the phone maybe every second day and see once or twice a week.

When I was last dating 4 years ago, what was most significant about that relationship for me was that I was able to communicate my thoughts as I needed to someone that accepted me and my eccentricities. We used to hang out at the local coffee shop on Saturdays while she was on her lunchbreak and we’d chat about things for about 30 minutes, and I would usually bring her some hand-picked flowers. I could tell her about a book I was reading, what was on the news, I could literally talk about anything and she would always listen and care about what I had to say. Everyday we would communicate either through the Internet or on the phone too.

When I have to bottle things inside of me, I feel like it festers there and becomes explosive later on, so being able to be 100% honest and communicate what is happening in my life and how I am feeling to someone is hugely beneficial to me. Of course, I do this with my counselor, but seeing a professional every few weeks for an hour is not the same as having a relationship of some kind with someone around my own age that is more personal.

But this seems almost impossible to me. Whenever I attempt to be around a woman, she doesn’t seem to like me and I am rejected, or later on she will discover who I really am and leave me. I am told that women want men with confidence, good looks, chemistry, good vibes, good body language, charm, and all these other things, and I can’t do all that, no matter how much I bend and twist myself. Being myself, despite what others say, doesn’t work either, which is when I am told I need to be all the aforementioned things. I can’t be what women want. Myself isn’t good enough and I haven’t been able to be what women want me to be.

I am trying to be more active in the community like I have heard suggested a thousand times, but in truth there is very little for me, and what activity I can do is mostly around seniors. A club I am serious about the second youngest there is almost 40 years older than me, with almost all the members between the ages of 50-80. Truthfully, there the only people that seem to have any kindness for me, because the last Meetup.com thing I attended with other 20 year olds I left crying.

Apparently it is too much to ask for someone to be able to accept me in the here and now. I don’t think that I will ever find a female that can accept me and can tolerate me. It makes me feel like suicide is best for me, because if I have to spend the next 50 years of my life talking to walls and a therapist, I will lose my mind.

[shezbut]

((((Mr.V))))

Maybe you should try using a few different resources at the same time, rather than putting all of your eggs into one basket. Like, go to the senior center to voluntarily visit and/or entertain. The CNA's and RN's will slowly get to know you for the man that you are.

Second, make one or two "pure friends". Don't unload all of your traumas onto each of them. Share some little parts of yourself slowly with them. Be there for them to do the same with you. Try not to put such hope and intensity in your friendships. Let them grow very gradually.

Lastly, give yourself a break. Maybe your meds aren't working for you and you need a little tweak to become a little happier and less hopeless. Hold onto every bit of hope that you can see!!