New and Looking for HELP!

First off Let me say Hello, Im new to the forums and am desperately seeking some sort of support, something to let me know im not crazy in feeling the way I do.

So this may be long I apologize, and will try to keep it as short as I can.

Growing Up as a child, my life was far from easy. Both my mother an father were drug addicts and alcoholics. They fought constantly. Verbal and physical abuse. After my father and mother broke up.. my mother continued to use.. my father stopped except for alcohol. I also had a disabled brother, 1 1/2 years older then me. Severely disabled with something called Cornelia De Lang Syndrome. Anyways he ended up being put in a group home when my father met his girlfriend (due to her making my father and controlling him) when I was 6 years old. His girlfriend was always horrible to me. Making me a real life Cinderella. She too had her own son. Who she never made do ANYTHING. Thought i was forced to clean her bathrooms, and kitchen on the floor with a toothbrush, bucket of water, and a butter knife. She then started to physically abuse me. Pullying my hair. Slapping me in the face, and she busted my lip open by throwing a xbox game at my face. Finally my Dad left her when I was 15 years old. He was shortly after diagnosed with Lung Cancer from smoking. 2 Months after my 16th birthday he died in 2006. I woke up in the morning and found him in his bed. I moved and searched for my Mother.. who i then found out in 2009, that she died in sep 2008... 1 week after find that out.. i got a phone call that my brother had just died. 3 people in 3 years. It has been all down hill since.

I now have 2 children of my own and am married to the man I've been with since i was 12. But i just cannot find happiness. Not even through my children anymore. Im always angry, and irritated with everything and everyone. No matter how much I try to be happy Im just Not. HELP! any and all advice will be greatly appreciated!

P.S im not open to being medicated, and I've tried counseling.

Well, I'm sorry to hear everything you have been through. I think anyone who has been through what you went through would be struggling. When we have trauma in our lives, in my experience, we need to find a way to heal from that or work through it. The best way I know how to do that is through therapy. I was in for 7 years in my 20s and have been back several times since... I hope you are able to find some answers and that you start to feel better.

Bless your heart -- I cannot imagine going thru what you went thru. And then to lose your family in 3 years. How awful! I'm so sorry for your pain. I know it must be terrible.

I realize you said you didn't want any more counseling, but honey there's nothing left to help heal you but therapy. And believe me, therapy WOULD be extremely helpful if you had the RIGHT therapist. Talk to your medical doctor about a referral to a good therapist --- I'm sure he knows of a good one, who would help you get thru these serious issues. You do need help dealing with all these issues iin order to heal. If you don't have the help of a therapist, you're going to suffer for the rest of your life!! You just can't do that -- it would be just awful. And the therapst just might put you on an antidepressant too. You do sound very depressed, and living with that all the time is miserable. I've been depressed since I was a small child, and I've been on meds for many years. I thank God for it too!

Please talk to your medical doctor. You won't regret it, I promise you.. God bless and please keep us posted. Hugs, Lee

I agree with finding a therapist. I had been in therapy on and off for about 6 years without ever any real improvement. Then I found my current therapist, and honestly, it's been like a dream come true. I really click with her and she has helped me so much in such a short amount of time. You need to find one that you can truly connect with. Definitely shop around. If things don't feel right with the first therapist you come to, move on and find another. Make a list and meet with each one and slowly cross each name off. I know it sounds like a lot of work, especially when it already feels like therapy doesn't help, but once you find the right one, things will start to improve.

I'd also recommend keeping a journal, venting there and on PC. You might also want to take a look at your eating and sleeping habits. My T went over a list of things with me that can make everything worse.. If we're in pain, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, then it makes it much easier for depression to sink in. So, take a nap, get a bite to eat, go for a walk with your husband when you start to feel depressed, and see if any of those things help. Until you can find a therapist that you connect with, try to help yourself in little ways.

I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through, but you are incredibly strong. You can get through this too.

Wishing you the best