[Mindinpieces]

My emotions have now got to the point where I don’t feel like me, can’t sleep not tired but have most awful black marks under eyes anyone thing got punch in both eyes which is actually from lack of sleep. My body feel strange, I though it felt strange before but this time it is different and there seems to be no good sudden pick up and that “yer I can do this” rush, that has not happened for months now usually it would have happened by now but this time it seems my chance of that sudden feel good factor has left me.

I am scared and sad and not a very nice nor caring person but all I wanted was a quiet life and a job where I could just go about my work then go home and then repeat all over again.. Wasn’t asking for much here… of course I lost count of the times I could have had that but no had to be me and mess that up…. REALLY I HAVE TO LOOK NO FURTHER WHEN I ASK WHY COULDN’T I HAVE HAD THAT/ WHAT STOPPED ME….YOU KNOW WHAT DUMB MIP…

However still people say you can do this, you need confidence in yourself. EVEN though I can tell they hate me for what I have done so far in life and it gets hard to follow that advice because every time I try I panic and feel like no had my chances blow them and should just end existing to give all the other people a chance who haven’t done what I have done nor made the mistakes that I have made. Really I made my bed and I haven’t taken the responsibility to lie in it. However to just give up point blank is always just as bad and either way I am under scrutiny and judgement, this really depresses me and it’s like you been thrown hundreds of puzzles that everyone expects you to suddenly be able to deal with because surely you mess up in pass you should be shorting it out now not just doing more of the same…WELL I WOULD IF COULD JUST LET ME START WITH A CLEAN SLATE … but no you have to ruminate over that while taking on the new challenges of today and the day after that…. EVEN SO CAN YOU STOP YOURSELF MIP NO YOU CAN’T YOU TELL YOURSELF YOU CAN BUT SOON YOU BE DOING ALL OVER AGAIN….so I give up I will always be like this doing this to myself so why give myself a harder time in trying to stop this might as well let myself do all the negative thinking and things that cause my problems because trying to stop them by working through things to try and change the outcome always make myself end up at the same place where if I hadn’t of try go against myself I would have save myself energy as me changing my outcome and self will never happen.

Yet to be able to function in the outside world I will have to do the very thing I want to just stop as I have lost all hope and I am worried how many times I can get knocked down once again before that was one time too many…. The chances of me getting lucky and finding a good place in life for once have never been and I know I am being truthful to myself when I can say don’t fool yourself and secretly hope it may happen because you will probably die from a very broken heart beyond repair at least this way I can save myself a little broken piece of sanity and love even though it is tinted by giving up and the though if a heartless miserable struggle just to hide away in life with what will be one hell of a mask over yourself if you can even do that or if not then maybe though people in your reality that still place false hope and belief in you because they are the kind and normal people that are blissfully unaware or unable to see or really want to believe that they know such a horrible and despicable person as yourself.

Does knowing what I am make it ok no, does trying to change that existence for another make me ok no, does me totally giving up make that ok no. Nothing will and nothing every can but why do I still want to do on why haven’t I be able to do what I think would make me happy.

Why do I still put myself through this knowing all of this….. I guess once a day dreamer always a day dreamer but that can only last for so long can I really put up with living my reality for a long and many years ahead of me.

I guess my famous old saying come back to bite me… only time will tell….ouch never thought that what used to give me hope and optimism could hurt me so much one day.

hugs...

hope it all gets better for you- try not to blame yourself.. i know it's hard, but feeling depressed etc is really not the person's fault.

hugs again..

[Leed]

How about trying some therapy? Then you can stop this cycle of insanity of going round and round and getting nowhere. Therapy will help you deal with the issues you have, so you can really cope with them, so you can react in a so-called "normal" way and take care of things so they don't kick you in the teeth time and time again. You CAN have that happy life and not fall apart at the seams. Therapy will help you with that.

Call your medical doctor and go in to see him -- talk with him about getting a referral to a good therapist -- he will know who you should see. He'll kknow the best one around. Then once you have a referral, you'll be able to make an appointment and get in as soon as possible. The sooner you get in the better.

I do hope you'll call your doctor. You won't regret going into therapy, I promise. I went thru therapy and it did me a world of good. Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee