I don't know how much longer I want to keep posting here. See, this is just another one of my safe actions. I'm in the comfort of my own home, and writing to people that I don't have to face.
I just realized something last night. I saw that movie "The Raven." I remember when I was in middle school, and Edgar Allan Poe was my favorite author. So, I looked at the poem online, and didn't really understand it. I thought to myself, "How could I have understood this when I was 13??" The style of the language is old, I just don't understand it very much now, but remember enjoying reading his stories and poems so much when I was young. I mean, they absorbed me, and that was so enjoyable for me. I also loved Dorothy Parker, but recently checked out a book of her stories and poems from the library, and didn't understand/enjoy them much either. Anyway, I ended up "googling" what the Raven was about (he would've been so disappointed in our time).......although I learned that there is no definite answer as to the meaning behind it. It helped though to read smart people's interpretations, and I understood it a little better. But, then I started thinking more. I think my intelligence level has dropped steadily over the last 2 decades. I really think I was much smarter when I was a kid. My thoughts went further on to say to me that I'm also a fraud. I've had people tell me, "You're too deep. You're too smart. You're too nice." I believed them, and thought of myself that way too. Now, I think I'm too arrogant and conceited, and have lived my life superficially (skimming the surface, not getting deeply involved.) I haven't really lived, but I have the nerve to call other people superficial. I try not to make mistakes, mainly because I feel like I can't afford to. If I had made the mistake of having a kid, I'd be a single mom, struggling even more than I am now, but at least I'd be involved in LIFE. I was too careful to not have kids though because I have this belief that I'm not emotionally healthy enough to "hold onto" the father. Wait, that's a lie because I once thought I was pregnant, and took some herbs to induce my period, just in case........so I am not really that careful, as in prevention, maybe just damage control. Maybe I feel I am unable to be loved, and the father of my kid would leave to find a woman he could love. I really don't want to struggle like my mom did. I also am a persistent "doublechecker." We had 2 house fires when I was little. Once I had to get out of bed in the middle of the night and go to my mom's house because I had a scary feeling she left the stove on or something. It's not OCD, but I chronically worry. I think last night I realized that I'm too fearful to LIVE and make mistakes, and now at the age of 30 I am BORED. I have nothing to do that I enjoy, and no reason to live. Nothing excites me anymore, and if it does, it lasts only a few minutes. I am fearful of other things that people commonly do as adults. College, work, marriage, owning a home. I think I just wanted to stay a kid. Even though my grandma said my brother and I had difficult childhoods, I didn't know the difference, and now that I've experience adulthood, I feel my childhood was fun. Maybe just because it's fun to be a kid because everything you experience is for the first time. In the last 12 years, I haven't accomplished a single thing. I guess I made one mistake, and now am in student loan debt. I was too scared to finish the expensive program I enrolled in. Oh yeah, and I'm not that nice either. I'm often saying how much I hate people. I hate this whole holiday shopping thing, for example. I wish people wouldn't "buy" into it because I feel it's destroying the original meaning of the holidays..............but they keep on following along like a herd of animals. I went into a store late yesterday (with the BF to return stuff for $$,) and I thought how rude and insane everyone is. Supposedly, we're in a recession, but everyone is in a spending frenzy, ripping things off the shelves and throwing them on the floor. Doesn't make sense to me. But, if I spoke up about it, I'd alienate myself even more because I'm the weirdo. People would call me a "hater." I think they might be right too. I'm jealous because I can't join in. Anyway, I'm just an average, ordinary person. I'm not warm and loving, and unnecessarily critical. I have no right to talk about anything. Maybe I've always known that, and that's why I'm a quiet, shy girl.

[Mindinpieces]

Auqarius8

Hi, I am 10 years younger than you but I feel in such the same way as you do about life and others around you. All the people from my year either are in jobs, at there last year of university or have children and just bring them up. Me well I have dwindle from one thing to another and now I am just stuck have nothing to show for my years have nothing to improve my situation and it seems there is no way to create years to come.

I live a very scared and anxious life most of the time in fear. You would think after living this long and experiencing some of the things I have I should have a back bone or two to pull me through. Yet I am always finding each and everything to happen next adds to that fear and creates more anxiety which slowly pulls me down into my misery.

They say there is never a right nor wrong way to live your life and you should never compare yourself to others, sure they say that then they expect you to just get other your worries etc. Yet we all know that is never true in life. Everything or most things are based on some comparison of some sort of others in society and still many will hold a person’s life as it stands as a way of judgment of them or how they perceived that individual as a person.

One doctor even said to me “but you are in a better position than the others your age that have how many kids with many different fathers, who the better person then you or them” why can’t you see you the better person and are doing ok in life, when all I needed way anxiety meds because I was shaking and sweating etc. every time I had to face a social situation. No people have to try and talk you over what people supposedly people never do in life (compare or Jude you based on others as a way to weigh up so to speak your life and how you are as a person) and actually what is supposed not to happen yet actually is mostly what causes or contribute to such worries of some people.

Let’s just say we are not crazy people when we get so paranoid of others judgements and people have to wonder why there so much anxiety and why some people worry so much that it affects them significantly and not in a positive way. Well it’s society itself and to be honest, I gave up trying to live within society long ago and I will always be stuck because I refuse to be lost or try to delude myself back within the norm and frame acceptable of how a person should be within the society I life.

This isn’t going to help you and I am sorry for that, I most probably gone off again as I do ramble on. However I would say try not to care what’s the point in worrying you could be a person that worry so much and still finds themselves within the same notions feelings and situation or you could take it that you know your life even though on one would like you to feel or be in the position you are now as it clearly upset you however knowing where you stand and being realistic as to that position you are in will always allow to make steady even if slow then slow but movements within the future.

What I mean is those who have it and are a person so to speak with their job or kids or doing the degree in whatever they too are probably just as stuck and lost but society view them as not and sometimes that’s probably harder to try and live, maintain throughout life. I am glad I am not one of any of those, I think I would have equally crumble trying to maintain such a person behind one of those titles if you can call it that as that all accounts for nothing. Really as long as you are you even if you may not be now the person you would like to have been or imagine when you were young, you still can learn to be a person of your choice and you are not stuck to the personae of just some person in a job or who chose to do another humanly thing like be a mum etc. Not to say those of you who are there anything wrong with you or that you’re not well rounded nor nice people because I am sure you are. But I am on about those people who put you down or Jude you base on them living behind their status or position in life and make you feel like nothing or worthless or wrong as a person because you don’t have anything that they deem as acceptable to be a well-rounded or nice person in their eyes and in the society that we both live in.

Sorry if just another person rambling on and this isn’t much of a reply to you but you’re not alone in feeling in such a similar way about life and yourself living within such a world. Wish you all the best