[SaturatedColors]

This will be a one-time post from me and I can't afford help and I'm stuck between a rock and hard place here.

I'm also typing this in secret because I don't want my mother to see as we've already had a fall out about this discussion already.

I'm a 22-year old female and I'm still living with my mother due to financial instabilities (fighting to get a job since I'm not eligible for a work-study program on campus, having a hard time paying tuition even with financial aid, etc,). My mother and I are usually butting heads because of our differences, so I'm always on the defensive, even with other people, sadly.

I'm going through a lot and most of it I cannot tell my mother, friends, or anyone else in my family because I know that I will be judged, scolded, or maybe even shunned. Therefore, my emotions are constantly in turmoil.

My friends have completed their education and my youngest friend has recently started college and is doing financially well but I'm far behind and my major is not as extensive as my oldest friend's (two years older than me) education/teaching major so I should be finished by now but I'm not.

I'm also the only person in my entire family to even reach college and pretty much hailed as a hero by my family because I got my associates from community college. My mother told me to not say anything about the financial troubles I'm having to my family members so whenever I visit my uncles or aunts, they always ask me, "So, when will you finally get your bachelors? Has it been four years already?" or, "How's school? How are your classes going- are they hard?" I always struggles to come up with an answer that doesn't sound like the first ones they heard and it's putting a lot of pressure on me and it's making me angry at lying, guilty as well, and feel like a failure.

Not to mention, my oldest friend already has started her own family and my mother likes to brag it to her closest friends and her siblings and mentions, "I can't wait until my daughter gets out there and gets her own family. I don't want to be dead and never see my grandchildren!" which puts pressure on me and, in all honesty, I don't even want a family because I have a feeling that I will be a terrible mother and wife. I know I shouldn't think things like that but I'm just worried about it.

So, not only am I anxious about completing my education but I feel guilty and slightly angry about the pressure my mother's and family's putting on me.

Anger is an emotion I often use to "vent" my pent-up feelings. I often slam things, such as doors and drawers, scream, and other things. Of course, I can't do any of this when mom's about or she'll get mad at me and we'll have a vicious argument and of course, she'll win. She's always yelling at me being stupid or thinking stupid thoughts. I can't really remember what we've argued about because that's how angry I've became then. The aftermath ends up having me crying but not out of sadness but by out of extreme anger.

Now, sometimes, I do feel extreme sadness (not to mention anger) because of my chaotic childhood with my neglectful biological father and my abusive stepfather and I'll just cry in secret as once my mother caught me crying and expressed some frustration with said action. Yes, I did alert my mother of the men above but she took the former a lot more seriously than the latter. In other words, she didn't believe of much I told her about the latter. I was about nine or ten at the time. Don't worry, she ended up divorcing him back then because of his drug use. I told her about some of the things that happened with my biological father but I told most of it to her recently since during my younger years, my father used to brainwash me saying things like, "Now, don't tell your mother I left you here outside of the casino for a while (about 2 hours, I think. I might have been longer and I still remember that vividly). If you do, she'll take you away from me and we don't want that, right?" (he meant the judge taking away his visitation).

Now, I'm emotionally unstable. One minute, I'm happy as a lark and the next, I'm an acidic hermit that does not want to bothered or I'll explode in rage. My mom has a friend that pays a visit occasionally and he's a very nice guy. He really is and he's fun-loving with a hint of comedy. It's just, when I'm around him, he bothers me to the point that I get angry at him and isolate myself.

He was so bothered by this change in my behavior that he called my mother several times, feeling bad, and explaining to her that he's not sure how to approach me to get to know me better and that he feels as if he's doing something wrong.

My mother has even noticed and found my behavior, I think, somewhat...embarrassing. My thing is, she explained my biological father's antics to her friend, so he should understand. But, then again, that's the anger side of me talking.

I don't mean to lash out at him. I really don't. I'm really a kindhearted person but even I have a hard time seeing that sometimes. Because of this, I often feel terribly and my guilt ends up evolving into a pity-party.

She told me the other day, "I don't know what's happening to you. You've changed. You used to be a funny and happy person and now you're so isolated and serious all the time. What's happened? Sometimes, I'm afraid of you and afraid to even speak to you."

I told her many times before that I should talk to someone about this or something but she denied it saying, "You don't need a doctor or a professional. It's all on you and it's you doing it. Change it. After all the crap I've been through, you can get through it, too. I had to deal with your father and his family's mess and I lost my house over that. I lost my second house to my ex-husband and my credit fell as well. I didn't need a professional for all of that and look, I'm just fine."

Thing is, I'm not her. She never understands and her "you-can-tell-me everything-you're-going-through" speech is a lie to me.

About the stepfather troubles, I've managed to forgive him for everything he's done and we still keep contact. He seems to try to make up everything he's done by trying to help me pay for school and even volunteering to help me pay for tuition despite his much lower financial status (therefore, he hardly has any money to give because of such). Even though I tried to tell mom what happened when I was younger, she didn't believe me so to this day, it's as if I told her nothing. So, she stays in more contact with him than I do.

This angers me for some reason (I mean, I've forgiven him, right? I should just move on) but if I told her again now, I don't want to think about her reaction. For me, it'll be the inevitable. Just thinking about it frightens me. I don't know why, I mean, I can't keep it secret, can't I? So now, I'm terribly confused, angry, filled with despair, anxious, and frustrated. I can't even get a job despite the numerous interviews I had and applications I filled out. I even asked to volunteer at the neighborhood library so that I could feel better about myself but they said they had to see until the summer.

It feels as if I can't win and it feels as I'm always doing something wrong. I can't take it anymore and I have no one to speak to. My available friends are far too flaky to rely upon and my family members...just, no. I have no one to talk to and writing it all down is beginning to lose its effect. And, I can't afford psychological help right now.

So, I'm coming here to this site to get help somehow. I can't take these abrupt emotional changes anymore; it's affecting my life.

I'm not trying to sound dramatic or I'm the most sad person on the planet. I just need something to go to.

I'm stuck.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. You DO need someone to talk to. What about the counselors on campus? I thought every school had counselors? Doesn't your school? If it does, I'd talk to one of them. Everything is kept confidential so you don't have to worry about that. You're an adult, so your Mom would NOT be told. NO one would be told. So see what you can arrange.

I do wish you could get professional help, i.e. therapy with a psychiatrist. That would be the best solution. But since you can't, try the above.

You do have some issues that really need attention, and while I'm not sure that a school counselor could address them, they could at least give you a place to vent, and possibly offer suggestions.

I wish you the very best. Please take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[beauflow]

(((((SaturatedColors))))



I hope this was not a one time post sweet soul.. I hope that you come to PC more often.

There are self help books out there as well, with trying to help with coping with emotions if you are not able to get help from a therapist or professional.

And as Leed Suggested, perhaps the school you are going to can suggest helpful places that are either free or low-costing.

I am sorry that you have had to go through so much

I hope that you get what you need to help you out in life.

(((Many good thoughts and well wishes your way)))

[avlady]

There are supposed to be counselors at colleges, I read your whole story and feel for you, but you sound desperate for something now, so go to the school's counseling center as soon as possible. When I was in college i actualy went to see a counselor who helped me greatly.

[H3rmit]

>Thing is, I'm not her. She never understands and her "you-can-tell-me everything-you're-going-through" speech is a lie to me.

Oh, man, I hear you so much. Pick your feelings out of you, and then invalidate them. And the lark/hermit mood swings. I'm just sorry my husband has to deal with them. I second trying to get some help at school, though I found it was not helpful for me at my school. There is only really group counseling, and that was useless in my case.

[Thunder Bow]

Therapy will help you understand the process you talked about with your family. Much to be untangled!

[SaturatedColors]

Thanks guys. When I saw these posts, I literally cried out of surprise and a small happiness. I'm just glad that I finally found a place to go that have people that do not think I'm "crazy", "need a man", and things like that.

I really do want to visit my school counselor but my lack of funds for paying the tuition might stop me from going into any campus-based anything. I should still try, though. I hope that previous students can still do some things.

I'll see what I can do.

Thanks so much!

[C.Oliver]

I am so sorry for what you are going through and I just wanted to say that your voice was heard. You were heard. I hope the school counsellor idea works because you definitely need to talk to someone. I wish that for you.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for what you are going through and I hope that there is something in your life that can make it better soon.

Hang in there,
C and Oliver (my Service Dog)

[Sistah]

I truly feel for you. If you aren't able to get counseling at school you have to try and find help some where else. There are free counselors in free health clinics. Search the Internet or ask the school for suggestions. The one thing that I can say for sure is that you have to deal with your problems ASAP. You're still so young. Do some thing now. Take little steps toward healing.