[gon3withth3wend]

I've always struggled with my feelings and managing how I feel and dealing with those feelings. I think I've posted a few times that I used to be a lot more down, and I used to think about suicide every waking hour of the day, and it was my only calming thought. Sometime this summer/fall, those feelings started to get a lot less severe, and sometimes I miss the comfort I got from feeling that way. When I was feeling down, I'd think of death and it would comfort me, but now nothing really comforts me?

I normally feel relatively fine (for myself, anyways. I've always been emotional, "dramatic", and have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember) except for lots of my normal behavior patterns have changed now. I don't have any motivation to do anything. I had to quit most of my activities, I don't look forward to anything, the things I've always loved aren't very enjoyable anymore, and I generally don't have the energy or motivation to do things like keep a journal or really be productive. I don't respond to texts or online messages or emails. I have started working out more often, and have turned to exercise instead of self harm and binge eating in the past couple of months, and I haven't SH'd in more than 2 months. But even days like today... I went on a lengthy run outside in the sun, and sprayed my favorite perfume, and all of that, but I feel absolutely terrible. And it isn't the same kind of terrible I used to feel. It's just a crappy feeling. I feel heavy, and I want to cry but I can't. And I want to SH but I've been doing a really good job of not, even though I always want to.

But getting to my point.

I'm kind of confused because I don't feel as bad as I used to, and I'd say that I feel better, except I still have these low feelings, but they're all different. It isn't the same. I might feel okay, but then this sadness hits me hard. And I don't want to do anything but lay in bed and avoid the world. My parents and teachers have dismissed most of my feelings as a phase, or just adjusting to certain things. I've heard mixed things about if you really grow out of stuff like this. I thought I was coming out of it a little this fall, which I guess was kind of weird to think because that was when I was SH'ing the most. Is feeling like this ever just a natural phase? I don't take meds, and I haven't seen my T in a while. I didn't really like her, I don't really have time or motivation to see her, and because she didn't really help me feel better, my parents didn't want to pay for her. She stopped contacting me, so I don't think I'm that important to her. If I'm going to grow out of it, I want to know when. I've been working out, and I try to read inspirational stuff, but sometimes I just feel so sad. And sometimes something will set me off into a terrible mood that I can't shake. Not that I want people to worry about me, but it seems like because most people aren't that concerned, I should really start to feel better soon.

[optimize990h]

Hi Gon3withth3wend. The sadness may be a sign of depression. If you are not gong to pdoc, then your primary should discuss this with you to up assessment about depression.

You are welcome to share your thoughts here at PC and explore the web sites in the depression forum where resources for depression are.

Take care.

[Perna]

I would go to your regular doctor and get your hormones and everything checked and tell her/him about your sadness, etc. You could "grow out of" the feelings but they also shouldn't be as strong as you are describing, there could be bodily changes that are being too extreme that some med might help until they are through changing. You know how when you were early teens, even immediately pre-teen and your legs sometimes ached, etc.? Those were just "growing pains" but there were things you could do to make them less painful; hot bath or compresses, maybe an Advil/Tylenol, that sort of thing. Growing through the teens and early 20's reminds me of watching the shows where the boy turns into a werewolf and how painful that looks? I'd go to your doctor and tell him you'd like some help of some sort, therapy didn't seem to and you're tired of struggling and need a clue as to what's going on and better support medically and from your parents (your doctor can talk to your parents, get them to better understand that what you are experiencing is beyond "normal").

[gon3withth3wend]

I suppose this would be a good idea, but it makes me nervous. I've been avoiding my pediatrician because my parents don't know that I've cut myself, and I'm afraid that if I go to the doctor and they make me put on a robe, she'll see my scars and my parents will find out. Even if my parents aren't in the room, I'm nervous about my doctor seeing me because she's been my doctor since I was maybe 5, and I'm pretty ashamed of myself now. I haven't been to the regular doctor in about two years...

[Thunder Bow]

Letting go of old hurts and feelings are like letting go of an old friend. It is like a death. Thus you will feel a sadness around that letting go. Those things (feelings) were important to you in the past, but not now.

Hang in there, continue therapy.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

I haven't been to the regular doctor in about two years...

That is not acceptable. You might not even be caught up on immunizations and booster shots then. You need to have bloodwork done, etc. etc.

How old are you? The first step is to find out if your pediatrician has a reporting obligation to your parents with regard to your scars. Can you find it out by yourself or do you need help?

Running is great. You are doing a very good job with it!

[hamster-bamster]

For running, do you have proper athletic shoes (and, if you are a female, a proper sports bra), and wick-away clothing (techno-fabrics)?

[gon3withth3wend]

I think I'm okay with my immunizations... Last year my doctor signed a physical/immunization form without seeing me. My parents just never bother to take me, and when it's something minor like flu shots, I just avoid it. I'm really paranoid about flu shots.

I do have running shoes and clothes for running. I don't have a good sports bra, but I don't have very large breasts anyways. A lot of the things I have depends on what my parents are willing to help me buy. My mom in particular is not very supportive of my working out because she thinks I'm too skinny. I think she is getting better, but I need to get all of my gear under a certain price.

[gon3withth3wend]

Oh and I'm 17, and I think I have confidentiality, but my mom always sits in on my doctor's appointments, so I don't know how I'd tell her to leave? And then what do I say about why I didn't want her in the room because I shouldn't have anything to hide? I suppose I could go by myself but the thought of being at the doctor alone makes me nervous.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

I do have running shoes and clothes for running. I don't have a good sports bra, but I don't have very large breasts anyways. A lot of the things I have depends on what my parents are willing to help me buy. My mom in particular is not very supportive of my working out because she thinks I'm too skinny. I think she is getting better, but I need to get all of my gear under a certain price.

Does she have reasons to believe that you are anorexic/a compulsive exerciser or is she just a more zaftig woman herself who is uncomfortable with your being smaller?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

I suppose I could go by myself but the thought of being at the doctor alone makes me nervous.

For most of your life, you will be seeing a doctor by yourself, so you might as well start.

[gon3withth3wend]

I didn't mean the idea of going alone as in by myself, I mean the idea by itself of going to the doctor because like I said before I'm really embarrassed because this is my lifelong doctor. I'm pretty independent and go to the dermatologist and dentist by myself... Poor wording, thanks!

[gon3withth3wend]

I eat three meals each day plus snacks now, and I think my mom just doesn't like that I wear such a small size of clothes. She's a lot taller than me though, so it makes sense that she has never been my size. Also she doesn't like that I don't eat most meats and I am picky with lots of foods. I used to eat a lot less, but I really don't think she needs to worry about me. I really like my size.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

I didn't mean the idea of going alone as in by myself, I mean the idea by itself of going to the doctor because like I said before I'm really embarrassed because this is my lifelong doctor. I'm pretty independent and go to the dermatologist and dentist by myself... Poor wording, thanks!

Do you go to the dermatologist purely for face acne?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

I eat three meals each day plus snacks now, and I think my mom just doesn't like that I wear such a small size of clothes. She's a lot taller than me though, so it makes sense that she has never been my size. Also she doesn't like that I don't eat most meats and I am picky with lots of foods. I used to eat a lot less, but I really don't think she needs to worry about me. I really like my size.

Sounds good!

[gon3withth3wend]

Yes, I only go to the derm for my face. One appointment now is only about two minutes.. Every few months. I'm even more opposed to my derm seeing my scars than my pediatrician... My derm is a very happy woman that ice known since my preteen years. I'm also used to going to T alone, but I haven't been since December, before Christmas. Idk I don't really feel like going back.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

Yes, I only go to the derm for my face. One appointment now is only about two minutes.. Every few months. I'm even more opposed to my derm seeing my scars than my pediatrician... My derm is a very happy woman that ice known since my preteen years. I'm also used to going to T alone, but I haven't been since December, before Christmas. Idk I don't really feel like going back.

I see. My dermatologist also does an annual full body skin check. That is why I was wondering how yours does not know about the scars. The skin check is done for early detection of melanoma - a useful purpose.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

I'm also used to going to T alone

What was the reason for starting T?

[gon3withth3wend]

I first saw a T when I was 11 after abuse but I wasn't very into it. I started again last year because I was having a really hard time, and I was severely unhappy and struggled to go to school and do my work, and I had one very bad day in particular that led my parents to put me in therapy, except they got annoyed because I wasn't making progress and I just waste their money going to T, and I don't like her that much anyways. So I've been on/off for the past several months.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

I first saw a T when I was 11 after abuse but I wasn't very into it. I started again last year because I was having a really hard time, and I was severely unhappy and struggled to go to school and do my work, and I had one very bad day in particular that led my parents to put me in therapy, except they got annoyed because I wasn't making progress and I just waste their money going to T, and I don't like her that much anyways. So I've been on/off for the past several months.

OK, so the good part is that the parents are not opposed to T in general. They just want to see progress. Then, you need a different T, and the question from the title of your thread should be posed to that T.