[soxcatch]

I created a separate thread for this since the topic is a bit different than the other one...

My girlfriend and I were talking last night about trust. Because of her background she has a very hard time trusting people, so me earning that trust back will be an uphill battle. However, when we got to my ability to trust we discovered something pretty interesting... I also don't trust people. I'm always expecting that those that I'm closest to are going to do something to hurt me, lie to me, leave me hanging in important situations, etc.

It's interesting that I will outwardly portray a rather positive attitude, but internally I have a negative outlook because it seems the only one I can really rely on is myself. Best friends have betrayed me, ex-girlfriends and the ex-wife have cheated on me... there's way too much I could get into on the matter, but I feel totally wronged by it all since I'm usually a pretty thoughtful and giving person.

I guess the question is... how do I work on learning to trust those that I'm close to since a lack of trust hurts my most important relationships?

[Puffyprue]

Trust its hard especially if you been cheated on or betrayed , i have no idea how to trust someone since i have a huge trust issues
hope other people with better answer might reply

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by soxcatch

I created a separate thread for this since the topic is a bit different than the other one...

My girlfriend and I were talking last night about trust. Because of her background she has a very hard time trusting people, so me earning that trust back will be an uphill battle. However, when we got to my ability to trust we discovered something pretty interesting... I also don't trust people. I'm always expecting that those that I'm closest to are going to do something to hurt me, lie to me, leave me hanging in important situations, etc.

It's interesting that I will outwardly portray a rather positive attitude, but internally I have a negative outlook because it seems the only one I can really rely on is myself. Best friends have betrayed me, ex-girlfriends and the ex-wife have cheated on me... there's way too much I could get into on the matter, but I feel totally wronged by it all since I'm usually a pretty thoughtful and giving person.

I guess the question is... how do I work on learning to trust those that I'm close to since a lack of trust hurts my most important relationships?

You are talking about distinct issues.

In repeat interactions, people develop trust. Say, I ordered carpet cleaning. I made one appointment. They came. Oops! The apartment is so "inland" in the apartment complex that the hose would not extend enough - the driveway is too far. I was irate inside but did not say anything out loud. I was irate because it was predictable and they should have asked when I made the appointment by phone. The apartment complex is not the only apartment complex in California that has apartments that are far from the driveway.

I rescheduled. They offered me windows of time. The latest window was 3-6PM. I cannot come home from work until 5. I explained. The guy on the phone promised a 5PM visit. I came at 5 and waited until 5:30. Then I called to find out what happened. "The crew came at 3:30 and waited for an hour and left". I was irate and told them what I thought about them.

That, from a national company. Typical customer service with impersonal apologies that would drive anybody nuts.

They have let me down twice so I no longer have trust in them. My landlord recommended a small local business, the business owner talked to me in a human sort of voice and not in an impersonal customer service of a big corporation sort of voice, the business owner ASKED me whether the apartment is far from the driveway which showed to me that he was not an imbecile... the business owner gave me a discount because I was referred by the landlord whom he had known for years, and thus I got a better quote than the one from the national service... the business owner said that they have been in business for 23 years using referrals and word of mouth etc....

So they will come on Thu.
I hope they will do a good job.

All of it with local businesses, word of mouth, recommendations and referrals, and repeat interactions is about building and maintaining trust.

And the national carpet cleaning company has let me down twice so I no longer trust them. I do not trust the local business that much yet because I have not yet dealt with them, but I trust it more because the landlord recommended them and because I understand that small local businesses would go bankrupt if they let me down.

OK.

So, in your case, if people have let you hanging in important situations, do not deal with them. One lapse, two lapses, and out. If you work and keep being late turning in projects, your managers will lose trust of you and fire you. Same thing - you do not need to "work on developing trust" or to feel bad expecting bad things to happen - you need to give people some benefit of the doubt but after a couple serious lapses (not being late by 15 minutes, but serious lapses), you should stop having such people in your life. This is because if you have an agreement with somebody and that somebody repeatedly lets you down, as the national carpet cleaning company has done with me twice over the course of three days, you change to explore other options and find better solutions.

With the gf, it is different. Do you have an agreement that she will stay with you forever? No. So she cannot really let you down. She might eventually prefer somebody else, and you will then deal with that situation by feeling sad and upset and experiencing a range of emotions and journaling about them and other such things and will eventually recover. Until she prefers somebody else, just enjoy life, spending time with her. She is not a carpet cleaning company so she has not made any promises to you and does not have any duties towards you - she is staying with you because she likes you, out of her free will. Enjoy that she has chosen you.

In other words, trust is related to expectations, agreements, promises... and she has not made any agreements with you nor made any promises to you. So all of that talk about trust in her context is completely misplaced. She cannot promise you to never like anybody else better because attractions are not plannable/willable/controllable, unlike carpet cleaning visits. So she is doing her best loving you now and nobody knows what the future holds.

If you really think through it very carefully, you will realize that you would much prefer that she stay with you because she likes you and out of free will and choice rather than because she is keeping an obligation she has made without really enjoying being with you.

[hamster-bamster]

You said that you have an inability to trust.

If people have let you down, you should not trust them - it is the appropriate response. You are not supposed to have the "ability" to trust people who have let you down.

If you are talking about not expecting that a fairly new person will let you down, you should simply consider giving the person the benefit of the doubt. "trust" is a wrong word. Then, based on the record of interactions with a new person you will or will not develop trust. So trust is a result of interactions. Thus talking about "inability" seems misplaced, as well.

[healingme4me]

I deal with trust issues, as well. But, agree, if people in your life, have indeed, let you down before, is it really that you cannot trust anyone, or those select people?

You mentioned about earning your girlfriend's trust back? Have you betrayed her, in some way? Can't talk people into trust, because, actions do, indeed, speak louder than words.

In life, there is benefit of the doubt with new people. And, perhaps, for those of us, that deal with trust issues, it can be a good thing, in the notion, that we aren't about to just blindly trust others, and perhaps, we have better bs detectors, so to speak?

It's a complex and deeply philosophical concept, trust.

[BonnieG2010]

Hi soxcatch.
It is most natural not to trust anymore after having being betrayed in several ways.
But it is also important that you can find your trust back and be free to decide whether you want to give it to another person or not.

Not trusting others is the easy way: I've been betrayed, so I won't trust anymore. But it also the most painful, because not trusting means you never really give yourself out to the people you want in your life.

You should distinguish what was your responsibility and what was other people's responsibility for pas betrayals.

Once you do that (not so easy, maybe you can do it best thru some psychological help), you must simply accept that life is that way: each and everyone of us has the power to choose whether we want to stay true and honest or if we go for betrayal.

You keep clear from trusting thinking that you won't be hurt like you've been already hurt. But closing out true feelings makes you feel more alone than necessary.

Hope this helps you