Friendships/relationships are killing me.

I avoided having friends for 15 years. Not really consciously, instinctively. When I'd start getting close to someone, I'd push away hard and they'd go never to return, and I would let them. Not enough of a bond was there to make me hold on...

Last year, I allowed myself to make a friend. All of my bad tendancies came out. I was overly sympathetic/empathetic to everything they did, I pushed and pulled and manipulated to keep them close, and I talked, talked to someone about how I felt for the first time in many, many years. They ultimately left and I don't blame them. I became too much for anyone to be able to handle.

Now, I don't know how to return to that state; of being happy with myself. I'm constantly getting too close to people, primarily on here, and then not knowing what to do with myself. I feel neglected when they don't talk to me but I don't want to be beholden to them. They say they will do things and when they fall through of no fault of their own I get angry to the point of raging. All of my feelings and emotions are being controlled by people I don't even know, and I don't know how to make it stop. Note: they are not doing anything on purpose to cause this; it is all me. I want to be independent again, I want to feel in control, I want to have an ounce of self-worth and self dignity and this takes it all away..... I want to step away from PC or at least take time away now and then, but I don't know how. This is my addiction....

Aw! I'm sorry! You sound like you are describing me! I know that addiction feeling, it is addicting to feel connected to people. I kinda have to make myself take a day here and there away from it too. You care about people like me I think. I really relate to everything you've said.
I am doing it better, having friends, from a distance for now. I hope you can find some peace with this. I look at it as a 'safe' addiction/addition to my life, maybe you can too?

Most people I've been able to keep at a good distance, but there's a few I've gotten too close with, and it's made all of the feelings I try so hard to keep down come to the surface.

Im sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment. I tend to not let anyone close, that way I won't be disappointed when they eventually betray or abandon me. It is easier to not care about people then care about them, or maybe I just suck with establishing friendships. Try to hang in there and take care of yourself the best you can.

I didn't let anyone close.....for 15 years!! The one that got through is the reason I'm here, but since then, I long for a close relationship, companionship, someone who cares, and find myself in this situation again and again. My mind doesn't know how to make friends but keeps desperately trying. I'll be honest...I wish my mind would go back to before this happened. I didn't know about BPD...I could cope....life wasn't perfect but I could deal.... http://forums.psychcentral.com/borde...d-anymore.html Keep in mind when this was written..... I'd just started PC...

I can relate to what you are saying Maranara. It's such a push pull kind of experience for me with people. I have learned though that patience has taught me to go slower with folks than I used to.

I wish you well, and it sounds like you are very aware of what you are needing at the moment.

Please enjoy your quiet time for now.

be well,
Jade.

I wish I had advise to give you. I just take things a day at a time and when I start to get worked up over things I just retro think about the facts of the situation and what seems logical. It is hard to do and I fail at it quite often and become a wreck emmotionally, but I think the key is to challenge some thoughts and try to learn how to be reasonable.

My feelings tend to jump from they adore me to when they disappointment me by not calling or ditching me to they must hate me and I am awful. I find it difficult to have to many friendships, because typical Frindships have a lot of this sometimes. People get busy, have kids, work etc. I have to remind myself there isn't such a thing as unconditional love and absolute trust. Atleast I don't feel there is. I think every releationship or Friendship has boundaries and limits and I often don't know what those are until I step past and they go bad. Myself I keep everyone at a distance until someone shows personal interst in me and then I any them to be my best friend. Then they pull back or avoid me, and I don't want anything to do with them. It seems like a cycle I am stuck in.

But this happens with ALL relationships, not just ones in real life. It's happening right now HERE with people I don't even really know.....

Do you think this stems from lack of enough meaningful realationship and you are trying to latch on to anything to fill the emptiness? I don't know, just my observation.

I tend to push everyone away, then get lonely and depressed and then I try find releationships and do what ever I can so people will like me. That way I feel good about myself. I guess I never learned how to like myself, or feel good about anything I do without someone's approval I care about. It makes me feel damaged.

I'm thinking it's happening because I lack any validation at home or in real life and I am not in therapy at the moment. I went without for a long time but since that incident I can't seem to stop... Hopefully, the therapy will be coming really soon.

That Cat below your name looks alert and ready to pounce. Ears forward eyes are open, focused, and healthy looking. You put that photo there for a reason. Now go for it.

Hopefully you can get some therapy that will help you. I find it helpful. It keeps me a little more grounded and I don't get too worked up over things. I also like the validation it provides. Sometimes, especially with spouses we get taken for granted, have something missing and have no clue how to fix it. I like talking to my T about my wife and get an honest opinion and maybe some insight from her training.

His name is Ash...I took the picture myself.

Only you control that. Nobody else has mastery over your own mind.

BPD is a brutal disorder. Hurts the pwBPD and those closest to them.
Have you taken a look at the tools at BPDrecovery.com? They are quite useful and for the most part DBT and CBT based. I know a fiery tempered non who made good use of them.

I've been so anxious/upset over this that the numbness has settled in....I hope it lasts a while. I don't want to deal with it any more right now.

I've been on a lot of other sites but not that one. I'll take a look.

Hang in there, Maranara. Hopefully you'll be able to get through this period of difficulty and land on calmer shores. My whole life I've had problems with relationships: being ditched, stalking people (didn't realize it was stalking until I described the incidents to a counsellor a few years ago), self-harming, going insane with anxiety and depression over abandonment and rejection...I still have a difficult time self-validating. I am getting better in relationships, though. I don't always automatically want to cut people off when they piss me off anymore. Just most of the time. And I am now able to ride it out until the anger subsides and see it for what it really is. It takes time. It takes practice. I found DBT very helpful for depersonalizing things and focusing on my own self.

I have worked with DBT as well as the meditation and mindfulness. It has helped in other ways, the anxiety and over-obsessing in particular, but I have a very, very long way to go when it comes to relationships and it is definitely my weakest point. Thank you.

I know you can do it. You've opened up and made constructive changes, and more are planned. Remind yourself of the long view and that may help you get a breath of relief.

I tend to keep people at a distance and don't really make an effort to be friends with people so I don't really have too many friends. Although it's odd, even the friendships I do have don't feel all that fulfilling to me for some reason.

Maybe you should allow yourself to have a friend? there's a website: girlfriendsocial.com or meetup.com where you can meet people.. you should give it a shot!