[Grey Matter]

My mom and my whole family has been under stress. My fathers kidney failure, my own health problems, her own physical disabilities. And usually our relationship is wonderful. We respect each other completely. Lately, however, she has been using me as a verbal punching bag. If something particularly stressful happens during the day, whether I am involved or not, my mother takes it out on me.

Yesterday we were having a mature respectful conversation. I happened to disagree with a view she shared, and apparently it was extremely rude to try and change the topic. She insulted my intelligence, "My IQ is higher than yours, anyway."

And I shut down. I stopped talking, only giving short answers to my sister. "Yes" "No", etc. She took me out with her and I just couldn't shake it off. I think It is because I have such a connection and respect for my mom that when things like this happen I don't know how to handle it. I get upset, angry, anxious. Today she told me all I am good at is giving her migraines, out of the clear blue sky, and she has never been like this.

Is there any advice for how I can approach this verbally? I have trouble speaking. I can write quite clearly, but when it comes to applying my thoughts verbally, I get frustrated and it causes me to become more anxious. I just don't want this relationship to fall apart. It's my mom. I am already not close with my father. I don't want this all happening again.

[winter4me]

You might want to share this post, print it out, with your mom. It doesn't sound like she realizes how badly she is hurting you---I would think not considering this is not how the relationship has been historically. My heart goes out to you.

[Perna]

I would just remember, in my own head, that she is stressed and lashing out. Because I love her I would feel sorry for her, wish to make her laugh and feel better/relax and for myself, I look at her comments logically.

Her IQ is higher than yours. So? I do not know if you have ever been to a MENSA meeting but it's got cab drivers all proud and thinking they are "smarter" than the average Joe. Everyone is smarter than some, less smart than others but the IQ test doesn't correspond to anything useful in reality? A high emotional IQ is much more to be desired (at least by me) than that you can solve EFEs with nine components missing Too, one's IQ scores can change slightly as one gets older; your mother has been around 20ish years longer than you have, has that much more experience -- her mother was smarter than she is at some point?

All you are good at is giving her migraines? You have to laugh at how lame that is! You should know yourself well enough to know you have more worth than that, that she enjoys being with and interacting with you and that you have all your years together and all those experiences against this one stressful moment? Put your hand over your heart and do a melodramatic, "Mother, you wound me!" act I guarantee she'll smile and probably apologize.

[Grey Matter]

I am not really offended by her being smarter at all, It is logical for her to be as such. I am just struggling with feeling rejected by her when she is one of the few who accepts me.

I will try what you've shared. I'll see if it works. Thank you.