[boopei]

It's been a long few months for my partner and I. A new job for him, the loss of income for the "in between times", issues with his ex, court, cops, the works.

Today is D day, the day that he's supposed to get paid (which is only on a monthly basis), and I find I'm panicking and getting really anxious. I'm scared to friggin death that something will have happened and he didn't get paid what he should be.

Stupid to freak out over huh? I just don't want to be the sole breadwinner, that's not in my personality, and it's so exhausting, like I'd rather go home and curl up in a ball in my bed and cry myself to sleep.

I lot of the past baggage I have is based on being used for money. Having to the be the one to support someone else and then being dumped like yesterdays trash. So although I know my partner isn't like that at all.. I'm scared. I'm really scared. Any time a situation triggers something about my past, my heart races, and I feel flush and sick.

Going to write in my gratitude journal to see if that will help offset it, so I can get through the day.

How do other people who deal with fear (based on the past) manage when something triggers it? It sucks.

[gayleggg]

It does suck. I, usually, don't handle it well. My mind goes over and over it until it finally works it's self out. I did this advice given too me, which I though made good sense, "Don't believe what you mind tells you when you are depressed." And since when I'm triggered, it usually triggers depression first.