[k12573n]

I made $161-something last night working the post-football game madness at the diner. Some dumbass was fronting a good table of mine with a crazed-eyed, butterknife-sleeved show.

I keep forgetting all the shadows in the world because the light over my own life keeps my eyes wincing and dazed. It's not a reassuring light or an uplifting one even. It's just light with no sacred connotation, no salvation or cleanliness resulting from it. I have petty troubles and they keep me pretty busy most days. Then I start reading or thinking and come out of the fluorescent daze my everydays are filled with. I remember what I was so vehemently against, what offends my morality, who the black hats are. It fills me with hate and sadness because I have no room to talk; I enable it merely by existing where I am, through all the little ****** things I do and buy and eat. I can't stop all that darkness by changing my laundry detergent to homemade or walking instead of driving. I can't do anything, I'm powerless against all the evil in the world. I'm useless to procure solutions to my weight gain and pock marks and all the gnats that swarm my kitchen and bathroom, let alone figure out how to make people care about child trafficking or exploitative labor practices in China. I don't know enough to talk, I don't have enough money to push things through. I can't do anything.

I can't make a million dollars; I don't have that dynamic PR personality. I don't have an entrepreneurial drive. I can type fast and tie cherry stems into knots with my tongue. There are probably 783 million other people who can do that and speak four other languages.

So what's stopping me from becoming more qualified to save the world? I don't know.. Low self-esteem, lucidity, laziness. I am not motivated to act by all these "injustices". I am only sunk deeper in a pit of self-loathing knowing I will never do anything worthwhile in my lifetime. I am self-defeating. How does one solve that problem? It is the one obstacle in my life. How do you overcome a self-defeating drive that keeps you from doing the laundry, keeps you from getting your oil changed, keeps you from saving money to go back to school? How do you keep yourself from keeping yourself from doing everything you've ever wanted?

Hypnosis? Self-threat? "Just do it," as they say? I have tried just doing it, I have tried shaming myself, I have tried cutting myself slack, I have tried cutting myself. I haven't found a way to keep myself going. I only find ways to hate myself and prove how incapable I am. I have no will. I have no worth. I have nothing, I am nothing. Why do I have to be this way? Why couldn't I be the oldest? I blame everything outside of myself because it is easier and I can reason with myself that way. More self-defeat. I tried blaming myself but that makes it worse. Coping with it keeps me from wanting to die but it doesn't change the world, it doesn't change my life. Everything is the same. I am the same, I still feel crazy.

I still have this constricting, tight, heavy feeling rise up in my chest and throat. It is anxiety and fear and self-loathing. It entwines my brain, my heart, my lungs, and my feet. It chokes all the want in me and all the desires, and I can never get rid of it for good. It always comes back like a fungal fear that I've scooped out several times, only to watch it spore all over again.