[Yismymindblank12]

I just don't know what to think. Now with things getting really worse. I am questioning what am I doing here. I am not suicidal and I don't care to die young, but now being told by medical drs. neurologists I am stuck with a disorder that could be either terminal or vegetative and they don't know how soon or long. I just want to cry, because I do too much for people I care about and I got nothing but ****. I feel like a ****, because I didn't take care of myself and I wanted a girlfriend, not a soulmate, lifepartner, or even wife etc. Whatever. I just wanted to have someone share experiences with together in general as friends, but I grew up around women all my life and most of my friends are female. The fact I am sad and now being told I won't probably experience what I want in time. It really hurts, because I want it in the most simplest ways and it makes me happy, but now. I can't. There isn't enough time and this society doesn't give a ****. I don't have hope, I try to hold on and I don't think I am holding on to anything because I am already falling and crashing but somehow holding on to something that never existed for me. The fact I am alone as I am not experiencing this with the life I have doing things for myself is frustrating sometimes as much as hopeless and cruel. I talk to girls all the time, I am not a **** or a too nice of a guy. Just average and I don't useless girl advice. I am full of it, and I give it alot. I just don't know, because no matter what I talk to out in this city specifically people just want your **** and leave you behind. Idk if I should be glad or grateful of being more ****ed up later or not. This is truly confusing.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are having health problems that could be life threatening. Sounds like you are having lots of regrets which I think would be normal. There is time left to do things. Make a list of things you want to do and can do to make the best memories you can while you can. Don't spend your possibly last days regretting the past.

[healingme4me]

I am sorry you are going through this alone. Neurological illnesses are scary illnesses.

It's a shock and awe, when going through the testing, the prognosis and diagnostics.

If you don't mind my asking, what neurological illness do they suspect? Terminal and vegetative sounds frightening!!

[Yismymindblank12]

Paraneoplastic syndrome and Idk what else. I basically started after being on my death bed the first time at 16 I am bout 20 now. My symptoms didn't go away as originally thought. I am feeling very ill with numbness and outbreaks my body will stop working I'll be very lethargic and very weak to move anything. My muscles get stiffe the numbness is so light, but then again it's too much where it's painful. I have very poor memory and coordination and I am a expert/professional musician/and music producer. I lose memory of my whole life my body falls apart where the numbness makes my bowels go all over the place and I don't even know it till hours later sometimes. Then other times my bladder won't work. My breathing gets difficult on harder days and swallowing has been challenge I used to be very active fit person. I am losing my fit self being stuck in one spot because of this. I go out as much as possible even if I am not well. I made huge mistakes with these growing symptoms drinking smoking weed. It made me forget who I was at a bar with friends, I went in and during the rave like show with dj's my friends who know I never do hard drugs. I bought a big tablet of MDMA or ecstasy with 4 drops of LSD on top I almost died of that a couple weeks ago. Also another symptom walking and talking is difficult plus thoughts are non existent and my symptoms resemble my grandmother's alzheimers but I am much too young for anything like that. I feel like an old man, and I don't want to be and people thought I was mentally ill for years, before finding out bout this now people don't want to believe me, except my Dr.'s know exactly it's not good what I have. I mean vegetative because without any drugs and when I was sober. It happens without my knowledge and my body is difficult to control. I cry alot because I want to be taken care of for once. I grew up abused by kids all throughout my life, my best friend who ended up in grand jury basically explained since the case he did end that how bout where I grew up is drug addict ridden. I haven't lived there for many years, but it was normal for me in the state of Ohio. I get a bag of weed implanted in my bookbag by other kids and I thought someone put crap in my bag and I almost got expelled for it when I was 8. I mean it's real. I hate where I live people think like the biggest things that should be a big deal are nothing, and things that have no relevance are such a big deal. I mean I ended up dying on the side of the road because my brain lost oxygen at a party after hitting a bong really hard. I was out apparently for 15 minutes and people carried me up and walked me home I don't remember anything except waking up in my bed shellshocked and that I walked to a party for a friend. I mean most people saw my body and thought I was drunk or sleeping or trying to get attention. It's so normal for people to be so cruel where I live and people accept it as a norm. I mean it's like a birthright of passage or something to **** up your life on drugs and most people who do it are stupid as I am, the only that separates me from them. I do drugs bcuz all these assholes who are more normal physically than me think it's ok to **** everyone over cuz it's cool. Pretend to be cool, when being a bunch of ****ing punks. This ain't college it's preschool. All I grew up living all my life people take take take and giving is for fools who asked to get screwed over.