[ganimedas]

I am 24, male and don't know my real father.
My parents divorced recently. Then my mother had a child from new "father" so baby got all atention, and I had to worship baby needs.
I got no job. Got few friends, but as their adult life begun i see how less and less important i am to them. I never had girlfriend or been kissed or touched, i am lean and normal kind of guy. My friends sis told that I have normal statistic ratio to find a girlfriend. Almost for two years i rarely go outside of my local place. I don't meet new people. I feel sociophobic and stressed in uncommon social situations. I started to talk with myself. If I provoke myself thinking about my life or myself i hardly sleep as my mind feels bad. Most of the time i am sad angry hopeless. I find myself with no positive qualities. I am so unactive that no one is interested in being with me. I got no wishes. No hopes. I got no skills or hobbies. I feel left alone by ones i thought will be around for way longer. My family wants me to start working. I thinking about suicide alot. But I am afraid to die. As you can feel from my post i am also afraid to Live normal life. I think i am sick. I do not smoke , nor do drugs , or use alcohol. I feel empty as void. Sometimes i get to thought context, where i don't know if i am sad or happy. I am numb. I know i can be normal. But this situation where i am at the moment is slowly killing me. I think i will die. Sooner than my friends. I know i am almost there. I know what will be your advice. But at this point of my situation all i want to share my feelings. It's very banal. I see that I speak from negative place to get attention. I am lost. I never heard a word from Christian god. Nor I have strength to be a budhist. Lot of my lifetime was spent playing computer games.
I am really banal. And all my stress is worthless. I feel useless. In thinking of myself i remember real problems. Like child running with open stomach to his dead mothers arms. My problems immeasurably worthless in African child context.

If i will not die soon. And if i will find girlfriend one day i will love her with all my guts. I will show her what i found in my sadness. Where to hide from grief->> under blooming apple tree. How to be playful with your mind. And how to appreciate.

I know there are so many people suffering. suffering.
this will never end. nor after death. Though i don't believe in death. You can kill your body, but what does it mean. Just one kind of energy becomes another kind of energy. And soul migrates from one body to other. I heard that even christianity declined incarnations only after second meeting of the church.

For those who suffer: I suffer. You suffer. But who said that it will be an easy journey. If you could calm your mind and just watch this life. And in every view experience marvel, you could know that you are looking with right direction. But try to ask who is suffering? Who is that who is suffering? Then you will get, that suffering comes from thoughts. Thoughts are created by mind. So who are you after all? Our goal to find peaceful place. And its in your mind. For me i think love is driving force to sadness. I feel cold. Unloved and alone. But remember: Life = love. You cant be alone. Its just screen play of the mind. PEACE
I FEEL HAPPY AGAIN. OH my lord. I am waiting the day i will meet you. My happiness is gratitude for you. My sadness is my prayer. At this point i want to cry. For real my eyes watered.


Sometimes i feel very happy and calm. But you cant know what next day will bring to yo. I use coffee as I experience positive emotions after ingestion. I find nature very important for emotional stability. Also to break vicious circle of the mind where you start to neglect yourself as positive thing look at the roaming top of the trees. Try to watch moving branches in the wind. Its almost zen stillness.

[edward6]

You said that you feel a Zen kind of stillness, at times, so why not see if you can expand that awareness. That is exactly what Zen meditation is all about - the full appreciation of this absolute moment. You say you don't have a life of any kind, which is why the Zen monks sit for years in a cave. They achieve peaceful fulfillment through the enlightenment that comes from that meditative solitude. For you, it seems enforced, and anyone would want to escape enforcement, but those prison bars are partially, if not largely, self-imposed.

Who knows, perhaps, one day you will become a Zen master, and look back upon these years as the most formative time of your life.

[bwkeys45]

Have you read the book Siddhartha? I am not religious, but it really opened my eyes to the meaning of life and how to find happiness. I suggest you give it a try if you haven't already, it helped answer a lot of my questions.