[allenscott]

I had an AMAZING intimate relationship with someone with BPD, and I still have an amazing relationship with her but we're not together and that's been hard. I know that she's THE ONE for me, I KNOW this because she always makes me feel, even now like I could do anything, like I can be great, like I can but it's been hard lately... She had an episode and everything fell hard, and she recently started getting better, and realized everything that had happened. We spent days talking just like we used to about how much we loved each other and how amazing and perfect she is, and how amazing and perfect she sees me as. But despite all of this we didn't get back together because she found out she REALLY likes another man. I've ALWAYS been there and she said I've always been perfect, and that I am the one she wants forever, but it's not enough for her it seems, because despite all of it she's still hung up on him, and I'm always left behind, and she really wants to be with him... Honestly it hurts, I feel so horrible and every day is a struggle to stay alive just because my emotions are not in my control at all, and I'm irrational, I know I'm being irrational with my feelings but I can't stop it, it's like I'm stuck just watching my body being taken over by something else. I have overwhelming feelings of

Abandonment: This one is huge. After hearing all the amazing things that she's told me then seeing what is happening, I feel like I'm being blocked out, pushed away, like she may be trying to push me out of her life. New Years we kissed, said "I love you" so many times, and cuddled like we were together, we talked about our future together, then the next day I couldn't say "I love you" call her hun, baby, I can't kiss, or anything, it was a a complete switch around. I feel so alone, and like she's abandoning me even though I KNOW that's not true, but it doesn't leave it just stays. Her and I can't talk about it because it would hurt her into an episode, or maybe he will get angry, I don't know, but I refuse to do that. and I can't control anything. She just said she liked him and that's it, other than that she's just sorting through her things now. My mind always does this when I get into a relationship and bad things happen, it jumps to worst case scenario.

Despair: I can't make it through life without this person. I just sit in bed all day. My stomach always feels sick, and my heart feels like it's always falling, I don't eat alot, I sleep as much as I can just to escape the pain but it's always there when I wake up.

Dissociation: For the FIRST time in my life I have closed myself off from EVERYONE. I have no desires to socialize, or even look at another person, I just want silence and my head to explode. The only way this will change is if I get her back.

Depression: I see a point in NOTHING without her by my side as my significant other. Without her why even bother? These are my mindsets every day. I have had crying spells, where I shake and I can't control them. I can't enjoy even a single moment, EXCEPT for when her and I are talking.

Anxiety: I find myself constantly thinking about her, and thinking about the whole situation right now, then my head jumps to the future, and what I want to future to be, then back, and it just keeps going and then everything starts to race, and I've had spells where I shake and lose it.

Mood Swings: I'm all over the map. When I'm talking to her I'm happy, but immediately when we're finished I hit sadness SO hard. When I see something she has posted I feel good then realize, "it's probably for him" then I get destroyed. Then I feel emotionless, empty, lonely beyond comprehension.

Irrational Thoughts: All I can do is think irrational thoughts that I can't control, and I KNOW they're irrational, it's been a curse I've had for years and I HATE it, it screws everything up. She's not doing anything wrong, she's perfect, but my mindset says "I feel like everything has collapsed, everyone else gets a shot except you, you're just a stepping stone to a better person, she's gone forever, she doesn't have feelings for you, you failed, you deserve this, you're a bad person because you couldn't save this, he is everything you are not and they're going to get married and she'll forget you ever existed, you have nothing, you never will" And I HATE that because I know NONE of it is true, but that's all my mind thinks and it never leaves. And all of those thoughts affect our conversations that are supposed to be amazing. I just start saying stupid things and I feel like it messes things up.

All I want is to feel good. I'm happy that she's happy, whatever she does, but I want my emotions to stop running a rampage that shouldn't happen. I hate not having any control over them, I can't stress it enough. I NEED confidence, and promise to make everything go away, but it's not possible for her to give that right now and I understand, I just wish alot of the thoughts did. It's so hard, but it's SO easy to stay here by her side and always say "it'll be ok, everything will be ok I love you" but what's not easy is not being able to say "I love you", not being able to be her one man that she goes to any time she needs help, the one that goes to bed with her every night, the one that gets to see her before the world does in the morning, the one that can always kiss her and hug her and be HERS. I'm trying to piece it in my mind how everything can be so perfect between us, we're a match made in Heaven, we know everything about each other, but I'm the one that always gets hurt in the end, because the other guy, who has nowhere NEAR the same connection her and I have always wins somehow. And the thing I KNOW, I KNOW it's the BPD disorder she has, that causes such sporadic and intense situations and emotions, like that kind of attachment to another person. I wish her all of the best and most amazing things in life, and I love her and will ALWAYS love her more than anyone, and I KNOW I will NEVER find anyone, she's my soulmate. I offer to be her rock that holds her and makes sure she's ok. I offer everything in myself that I have to give for her, my entire being, but I want to make sure I can handle myself too, so I can do just that, because I want her happiness. I just want to know what's going on with me so I can figure out the answers, so I can fix my faults here ASAP. I understand the feeling of loss when someone you love leaves, but it shouldn't do what it does to me so something is wrong. Any advice on how to cope with it so I can be more solid for her than ANYONE ever could be?