[voided]

Hi

So, I got a new doctor. I just recently moved and so had to get a new one; mostly because my old doctor would be too difficult to see due to travel limitations. Anyways, I went in today and got a brand new diagnosis which is kind of overwhelming for me.
He basically told me that upon review of my records and my symptoms, coupled with the random factor that a medication he had initially prescribed to me for sleep (an anti-psychotic, seroquel) ended up helping me a great deal with other issues it hadn't been prescribed for, he had come to the conclusion that I have bipolar disorder. I was a bit skeptical at first. I had been, for a long time, told that my issue was with paranoia, depression and anxiety. So, with this previous knowledge, I cocked an eyebrow.
He went on to explain further. He told me that my predominant depression was a major symptom but the fact that I was paranoid, and that the paranoia manifested itself in episodes, was actually a symptom of mania. I didn't know that before.
I have, from time to time, experienced these episodes ranging from anywhere between a couple days to a couple months. Normally I would be depressed. If I wasn't depressed I would be super productive, optimistic and feel capable of anything. I sometimes feet like I can change the world. Like I alone could make such an impact that I have a responsibility to do so. I felt like I could save the world from itself, if only people would listen to me. I guess that's a bit grandiose and unrealistic though. I usually rotate between being depressed and feeling "up" in the way I just described. From time to time though I would experience something else altogether; something darker. Reflecting on it, I've found that it almost always follows a certain formula - a linear progression of feelings and events. First, I would become paranoid and irritable out of the blue. I would usually start to isolate myself and withhold emotions from the people around me. During these periods, much like I would when depressed, I would often drink like a fish. This always made it worse. It would start to snowball over time; my paranoia would become worse and worse, to the point that I would almost be delusional. Everyone was against me, there were forces and people (sometimes people I knew, sometimes people I didn't) working against me, trying to hurt me; howling for my blood. I would keep this to myself. These suspicions and my feelings of hurt and fear, after all: if I showed weakness, my hidden, potential enemies would jump at the chance to use that against me. Everyone was just aching to kick me while I was down. Everything would become suspect. People's motivations would always be dark and every action or statement held some underlying menace. I would feel alone and attacked by everyone and everything; like a wild animal backed into a corner. Eventually the frustration would overwhelm me and I would climax into a psychosis: becoming hostile to the point of lashing out. This was mostly verbal but has in more serious cases turned towards unprovoked violence. I would then come down afterwards. I would get depressed again and be full of regret and shame. I would hate myself and think that I was a nasty, vicious person - undeserving of basic human necessities like happiness. I would lay in bed and barely move for days, obsessing over people I hurt and things I had screwed up. It was like a cycle.
My doctor told me that this was not in fact paranoia by itself. It was a symptom of bipolar disorder called dysphoric mania. He went on to explain that it was a manic episode - much like the ones I have where I felt like I'm almost messianic. Except that instead of being on a positive spectrum and feeling like everything was fantastic, that it was negative in nature. I don't know. This whole revelation has overwhelmed me in a big way.
I am having trouble coping with this new information. All of these questions I have, all of the things that it explains... Thinking "what if?" What if I had known earlier - could I have prevented myself from doing things to sabotage my life? What if he is wrong? When I do feel well, is it only an episode caused by an illness? Where do I go from here? Will I ever truly be well; ever truly be healthy?
I am scared to tell my girlfriend. I don't know how she will react or if she will take it seriously. I hope she will understand, and I honestly think that she will. She is very understanding and I know she loves me a lot; enough to put up with my mood swings and my bullsh*t. I am just worried though. I don't handle changes well, so being told that everything I thought I knew about my problems was wrong is a big, jagged pill to for me to swallow.

All I keep thinking is "*****. What now?"
Is there something you guys do that helps you cope with this kind of stuff? I am very open to some positive suggestions right now.

[Thunder Bow]

Be careful of Labels and diagnosis, and don't put yourself down because of them. They have Labels and diagnosis for every human feeling and condition, ever dreamed of.

You are Human and you are smart. Go with that. Your post shows a complex mind. Try slowing down a little. Meditation might help, as well as getting out side for a walk, and also get outside of your self, by doing an adventure, and things you like doing. With out feeling guilty about it.