[kuro92]

I can't seem to stay happy or just stable anymore. I just revert back to crying and thinking about some awful things that have recently happened in my life. My mom passed away about 9 months ago from brain cancer. I felt so alone during that time since my boyfriend had left me, my half sister completely cut off contact with me, and my family was not very understanding of what I was going through. Instead they've been putting me down and even telling me they're surprised I'm so sad over my mom passing away since I wasn't close to her? I find that really rude to say...

I kind of forced myself to go back to my daily life quickly after my mom passed away to try and distract myself. My ex started talking to me before my mom passed away and he soon became the person I relied on the most since he was the only one that knew about my situation. I'll admit he really distracted me and made me feel somewhat happy during those hard months. We even discussed getting back together and how he would wait until I was ready again. Well he decided to leave again and it's like everything came crashing. All my hard work to go back to being somewhat normal is gone. He was the only person I was really opening up to. I don't really have that many friends since I isolated myself the year before my mom passed away due to taking care of her. It's like it just hit me that I'm completely alone and I'm finally starting to register that everyone left me. I feel hopeless and part of me is desperately trying to be happy again, but it never lasts. Memories of my mom not being here anymore and how everyone that mattered to me left when I needed the most help won't stop playing in my mind and I just find myself not wishing to leave the house or do anything. I just start crying and I can't help, but feel like I just wish I didn't exist. I want to go back to just being stable...I hate this constant change of mood. I have to take some days off from college when I get it really bad since I can't even sleep. I know I have anxiety since I have a stomach ulcer caused by that. I just want to know how can I get somewhat stable enough to function daily? Or just be able to accept that these people aren't in my life anymore. I can't stop thinking about my mom, half sister, and ex. It's non-stop thoughts. It's like I keep dwelling on it and missing having just someone to listen to me. I also can't help, but just keep remembering the past and missing it terribly. I miss the old me that was able to smile and be so cheerful. I'm 21 by the way. I want to go get medication, but a lot of people keep warning me that it will just make me feel exhausted all the time which I don't really want.

I also can not talk to anyone about this in person...I've tried. I don't have enough money to see a psychiatrist and none of my friends can relate when I have tried just opening up the subject. My ex was the only one willing to listen and now that he's gone it feels like I have to just bottle everything up inside. I also feel so much more worst about myself since my ex accidentally mentioned he only stayed with me during those past couple months because my health was bad. It makes it even harder for me to even consider opening up to someone now.

[hidden_away]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know how it feels to struggle with something and not have anyone close in your life to trust and open up to. Have you thought about joining a support group? Also this site is full of supporting people who can relate to how you're feeling and try and help you through this difficult time. Don't give up hope! If you need someone to talk to you can message me anytime!