[tealBumblebee]

I'm so over needing, well wanting to need people. Completely through with it.

T and I had a really hard last session and while I think she was still compassionate and kind and warm - my emotions won't allow me to believe that. So everything that I can remember (a lot of it I don't) sounds nice when verbalized but is interpreted in my head as cynical or condescending. I'm feeling so angry with her for absolutely no reason at all.

I know this is all a me thing, and that i'm just projecting my inner anger, but not enough to convince myself 100% of that.

I just got off an hour long crisis chat that for once, actually made me feel a better and somewhat stronger. The chatter (after discussing my completely unbound emotions) also suggested I not reach out to T about the events and instead work through them in my own way to help me actually identify what i'm feeling.

My T has never my limited emails, and always responds but I see so many stories on here of T's 'reaching their limit' and if that ever happened to me, it would greatly damage the progress we made, maybe even irreparably. So, I am pretty cautious about how much I send her.

And even now, if I did email her and tell her that I don't know how to navigate the emotions I'm feeling right now - what could she really say?

I could talk to friends, but lets just be honest - my friends don't really care about my problems. They really don't even know about them. All they know is that i'm happy-go-lucky Teal who always walks around in her happy little bubble and when she says "i need to talk" they wait a whole freakin' day to respond PROBABLY in hopes that me and my problem would just go away. Every.single.one.of.them. They think they can just wave away my problems with a nap, or drugs, or starbucks, or just by not responding.

I want to talk here on PC, but I feel like i'm being whiny and annoying and people are going to get sick of me. And then I want to help other people more than I do and I can't because I don't know what to say to help them and then I feel selfish posting about my own problems.

The crisis chat guy asked me if who I had in my life - and you know what I realized? I have no one. No freaking body. They're THERE but not "there" - partially because they don't know that I need them, or they don't want to be there for me, or I won't allow them to be there for me because I know they can't be or will eventually not be.

So now, I realize - I need to make some changes. No more looking for people to be there - because they won't. It's safest not to expect anyone to be there. I've done it before so I need to figure out how to do it again from this point.

T says that we 'need' people - but that can't be right. We can't "need" people if there is no one there for us to need. She said "you can survive these feelings" - and I realize - whether someone is there for me or not, provided I don't take my own life (i'm not), in the end i will have survived them. So no, I don't 'need' anyone.

[kim1975]

I have come to my own realization long ago that I can't rely on anyone for my own needs or emotions. I quit 2 counselors long ago because they pushed me too hard and I crashed and ended back to square one. I have a psychiatrist for my meds, but that's it. I have realized that other people around me and family do not want to hear about my problems but they expect me to sympathize with theirs. Well, that's family for ya. Family also very judgemental, on my mother's side and my dad's side. So, I mainly just stick to myself, although I sometimes can't afford food and eat at my mother and brother's which I don't really like doing. But my animals I take really good care of first and foremost, and who are here for me. My 2 dogs and 2 cats. They are very theraputic and the only ones I look forward to waking up everyday to.

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by kim1975

I have come to my own realization long ago that I can't rely on anyone for my own needs or emotions. I quit 2 counselors long ago because they pushed me too hard and I crashed and ended back to square one. I have a psychiatrist for my meds, but that's it. I have realized that other people around me and family do not want to hear about my problems but they expect me to sympathize with theirs. Well, that's family for ya. Family also very judgemental, on my mother's side and my dad's side. So, I mainly just stick to myself, although I sometimes can't afford food and eat at my mother and brother's which I don't really like doing. But my animals I take really good care of first and foremost, and who are here for me. My 2 dogs and 2 cats. They are very theraputic and the only ones I look forward to waking up everyday to.

Yup yup. I completely concur. I used to be the same way and then somehow let the world fool me into believing they cared, or that I was worth noticing. But nope. I'm over it now. May have to jump on the solo train beside you. I'm glad to hear that you have your dogs and cats though; you sound like a great caretaker for them.