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I'm just a fly on everyone's wall, I just want to be famous and the last people see me die in a world national tv for something I love to do or even better have my casket shot into space and have people watch me fly away. I don't care, I lost my reality. I just feel like I'm an ugly worthless ***** bag. I just feel like I am used as someone's rag to clean the cruddy skirmishes of dirt on every surface. I don't feel like a human, I just try to get help, but I'm too angry I'm too depressed. I did everything I took the opportunities. I didn't get anything, I'm psychotic and I'm happy I'm going to die like a ****ing miserable ****, because all I get is that. If I don't look handsome enough or if I don't have the popularity. If I'm just unlucky abused and think negatively for just one minute or just not fit. I'm not worth anything, I'm mentally ill, I'm undesirable. I ****ing hate your superificiality. I tried it I get hurt doing such things what makes it so good. I've been having panic attacks with my medication feeling like I'm going to die from a heart attack I'm only twenty. I have a different mind, I don't succumb to women who think men are easy and manipulative. I don't respect any human man or woman old or young who is like that. I don't respect even more people who follow it. When you're actually different in this world that thinks different is cool and normal, wow they need a reality check what different really is. It's not what's in the spotlight those ****ing twats put up in ads saying this is what it looks like and should be and you should be too. It's every ****ing human can be different, but people are too ****ing ignorant and stubborn to see what different really is. I've had more ignorance with women, because they think. I should do everything for them and if I stand up to myself I'm childish and no one wants me. Well they can **** off, because I'm not going to be beaten and tortured and if I show any emotions I'm unattractive. I hate this trying trying trying to prove worth to anything just to feel loved for five minutes when I rarely do ever. I hate being treated like I'm in the ****ing club who cares anymore. I don't care if I'm this ****ing stigma. I don't care, I just want to do what's best for me, I choose my life how I want to be happy I choose to be positive I choose to do the right thing for me I don't care what other people think. I came to the conclusion **** humans I hope they die I hope everything dies, because it's not real. It's just a figment of my imagination because this is the reality shadow of something that was earth but not anymore. I died in that place, and now I'm in the remains what looks like hell people with no hope no spirit just masochistic behavior. I don't believe in god, I won't submit to behavior that's self defeating. I like eastern religions, because they promote a good person for you not someone/something else. I think it's silly we spend all our time complaining bout being alone and instead not going outside and do ****ing something. I am complaining, because when I put initiative and work at a job or try to make friends people are so ****ed in the head with the popular, the cool, the pretty people they forget they are just looking like assholes and it's my problem not being friends. Who ****ing cares? I left because I don't want to be treated like ****, I don't care bout you and your problems you're not real. I'm the only human here that died and realized that no one is real but me. I don't have a mind it was dead I'm just being projected of things that once was and used against me. I'm terrified if I tell my feelings I'm viewed as some monster. Take it as a grain of salt, because when I show I care, and it's rare to certain people who earn it. I put my all into it, but I realized I can't get close to them, because it's not enough for me. I don't care how many lives I'll save if I went and stopped world hunger or stopped every problem. I don't care, I'm not going to feel any better or happier I'm always empty I've been accepting it all my life. I don't care how long this mask has been on. I don't feel cherished or loved because I'm not a girl with good looks and lots of friends or some confident *** wipe who is unintelligent, but uses his looks and charm to get around life's daunting tasks. If you think people care, they only care when they need you for convenience not that it's you they just like using you till you're dried up dead and gone then they falsely cry bout you on the news or what not and pretend to love you. Too be honest if this world is real or not. I don't care, I don't want to be here regardless, because I'd pick anywhere else but to wake up in my bed. I'd prefer waking up in someone else's life I would be famous and just enjoy my life everyday being above the superficiality, use my success to be impersonal, because it was done unto me by the people who hurt me, but to everyone else. I'll put my genuinity to everything and everyone else and so they realized if I didn't care I wouldn't bother to ignore you in the first place and if you actually cared you bother to tell me you love me around and tell me to have a drink of tea or go smoke with me or lets go to a party or just enjoy time playing xbox. I don't get that, I just get ignored and hoping I have one ****ing friend who puts one once of effort and I'm all over them. That's how badly I've been neglected and abused, I'm not a human anymore I'm worse than that. The fact you call me mentally ill for my misfortunes is disrespectful and unfair, because I have close friends who are and have their problems, but mentally ill doesn't always or rarely means they can't judge from right from wrong. I don't want this, if anything I get rid of everything I owe just to feel pretty, to know what beautiful women go through, wear dresses not as in transgender way, but feel like someone. As a guy, I'm expected to be tough despite the beatings, being raped sexually and emotionally, despite my child being aborted, despite my closest people leaving me for idiotic reasons and me still trying to hold on and care, not once I'm told thankyou not once I was told you're going to be alright or told that you're something. I can't relate to anyone with their problems, because I have a way bigger burden than most. I've had it all, you know. I had my closest people die on me and nearly die and abuse me after. I almost died twice, I am medically disabled now and ill. I don't got any relationship with my parents despite everything they weren't their for me when I was abused sexually or anything. I had no one stick up for me I had no one. I did it all alone and everyone looks at me confused and depressed and not sure. I feel like some freak of nature nothing that's worth anything, because the ****ing site of me makes people want to die. I've been told that too. I don't care when I put anything on here. I get some stupid advice and never anything useful because no one has been where I've been. I don't care, they don't know, you can't have five minutes alone or anywhere without immediately feeling like someone is touching you inappropriately and feel like your hallucinations will kill you and are very vivid. I have severe psychosis, but it's the realest thing I got to me that keeps me going. It's not there, but it feels more real than someone saying I'm nothing. I don't want to hear you could have it worse, because it does happen and then what you say it again. People who tell me that are no different than my family and the people who put up with me as some burden. I really feel so hurt and alone and never wanted to go away. I don't want to die, I think that's an impractical stupid way to just stop. I don't want to stop I just want to go far away and never come back here to this planet this existence. I know what losing reality is, I wanted to kill myself because of it. People use it and my person as a form of humor to abuse and use and I don't care, I'll stick up for myself no matter what, but ****ing stupid people when I do it's a bad thing, but when someone who is liked even though they truly are a ****** human being is considered a ****ing savior. I hope everyone who thinks this is ok dies and never again speaks to me, I don't mean that out of indifference I mean that as get the **** away die and definitely don't talk to me again. I don't care. I choose not to do drugs anymore I choose to take of myself for me, but always I'm not good enough I've beaten this horse too many times took every avenue and all I got is nothing. I hate falling love, I suppress the feelings and lie that it exists and ignore the person. I don't like looking being some stupid beast who drools over someone's ******** looks or personality. I don't like it, I just want to be free to make these decisions. I don't feel free at all. I'm chained in the body I'm in and feel like I am not a human just a ****able object and something to hit regardless how much love and appreciation I put in. I think people confuse genuinity with insanity or hysteria more females act like dudes and that abusive behavior is the norm and ok. What I describe abusive, is anything physical, emotional, mental, sexual that does nothing to help the other person but bring harm and for their benefit. I've never done that, but when I date a girl who hits me, and I literally got raped by my last ex somehow, because I was unable to move for medical problems and was helpless to her alcohol addiction. The fact that girls get more praise than guys. The ****ing double standards need to die. No ****ing woman needs a man to direct her how to live her life, no ****ing man needs a woman to direct what he needs in his life. No one should decide anything except for you. I ****ing can't believe people are so ****ing mental to think that it's one sided. That's never going to work I don't care how you look at it, and saying that women are different beings and no one can understand, what are you justifying you can't figure out they are a human being so you call them out for their looks and say they are worth for ****ing and making food as rewards. That's mental how I've heard that's normal from both men and women, I don't want to feel manly because I killed a pack of bears with my fists, I want to feel manly because I helped a person kindly and did something out of the kindness of my soul for me. I didn't do it just for them, or I don't want to date a woman who thinks, I have to love her for her sex and looks personality. Who cares? looks fade sex becomes meaningless and all you got left is the person and the personality. No one wants that in this world. I dated and met so many girls and guys that think these microwave fast relationships are an average day in life that let's get married tomorrow after we banged in the local bar bathroom is a great way to start off a relationship. I don't mean to offend, but this is quite ridiculous, I don't tell a person I love them, because they got something I want. Who cares? they aren't delivery or carry out so don't bother. I want the person because I want that human not in a possessive or obsessive way, but as in that person is really cool I like him or her can she or he be my best friend. That's it nothing else no magic no unicorns no ****ing wedding with fireworks just that. I don't care bout this society this america, because it's been dead I don't care for this planet it's aching with a lack of anything good. Being told there's good in the world somewhere I know that, but I'm more aware I choose to believe it to keep me going and the people who get things for free for things they didn't earn o well I'm just unlucky **** them. I'm going to be famous one day and be a celebrity and just be myself freely with all the money to not buy me happiness keep me afloat in a life that I can enjoy not try to afford. I don't care bout the fast life too much, I like to express me and myself alone for my pleasure. I try my best to be the best and just shut everyone out to get me through this nightmare of abuse, but then I wake up it's the next day I got my face pummeled by some boy at school or some dude who tried to kill me and somehow I lived. I use that reason is the only thing maybe I have the reason to live to be famous, because that's all I got I don't want infamy I don't do bad things and nor like negative attention. I just want to be famous to educate and prove there are still good people left in this world, but I'll be last one for a very long time it's not because I didn't give up on you. Everyone gave up on me, because I wasn't convenient.
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Mar 14, 2014, 03:01 AM
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.
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