[rigaschuckler]

Hello guys,
It has been almost 15 days since I said my good bye and I have been trying to keep my promise intact. I thought like I could alienate myself from the whole of internet and live like a hermit, without any distraction.
But I was wrong!!
Emotions came back much stronger, much suicidal thoughts and sadness and I felt like I could not bear it and If I could not post something here, I felt like I would be doomed.
So I am here…
Before saying that let me speak something about my condition too...
I live in a village In India, a very remote, distant place. Here most of the people make their living by farming or other small jobs. I am from an old aristocratic family here, as you would know the system followed by Indian Hindu people in interior India. I love my village because it is very very beautiful. My house is on a hill, so I could see vast tracts of paddy fields, where the light would play hide and seek with the sun. everything is fine, as we are blessed by nature, I could see squirrels, peacocks dancing on evenings, foxes moaning at nights, mysterious owls everything suits a mystery film ..
But what bothers me is my loneliness. There is nobody to talk with me. Not even a single human being. I have my brother, mom and dad staying with me but sometimes I won’t be having much to speak with them.
Or it might be because I was always different. I was always curious about other cultures, people or as a whole, what is going on in other parts of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a movie, where a mentor would come and assist me to my path. Nobody is there even to mentor me.
I got the Internet connection only in 2008, and it was only in 2005 I had seen a mobile phone. This clearly speaks about my privations. As I have said in many posts here, I have taught the language of English by myself, through its literature. I know it is not good though I have been trying to express myself better through that.
As you would know, I am a loner. Not a loner you would know. I might have been a loner by my own choice. I probably need to break off from my own traditions, to experiment, to explore to reach somewhere but I am getting confused day by day. I am a post-graduate, still I am jobless.
My biggest aim is to pass a prestigious exam here in India which would give me that essential passport to my destiny. But I am studying alone, Totally cocooned in my room. I know I could have gone somewhere but my previous experience with other people makes me afraid. I was in a big Indian Metropolis before and I was abused like anything because of my rusticity and naivety.
I don’t know I just want to pass this exam. I just want to escape from my miseries, so sometimes I would use the Internet. I don’t have any single friend so I tried everything here. Numerous dating websites, friendship websites, all ended up in disasters. I have this big social anxiety so I fail always. Finding a therapist will be so difficult here, as my own brother is disabled and my dad and mom are not that much educated. Our extended family treats him as ‘mentally ill’ so I am afraid to broach this matter to my immediate family. I am afraid they would see me as an insane person and I cannot see them sad.
This website is the only place where I feel some happiness. It makes me feel like I am not alone. Still finding myself totally confused I was forced to say goodbye on February 24 night from here, but I didn’t know what would have been the consequences.
As JD had said on that post, I cut off my only supporting system. It became severe day by day. I had gone wild. Thoughts began to attack me, and I became depressed day by day. I started random chatting sites but I was soon felt depressed more, as nobody could help me.
So here again, I stands, this eternal loner, in front of you. I have 6 months left for my exam and I really want to study.
But I can’t focus. No mentor, no friend, nothing. Whenever I would start studying thoughts would attack me. My mean relatives, friends who abused me, people who hate me, and I would find myself alone and helpless I would open the internet and start to browse something. Then days would go like this without any meaning. I know it is procrastination but whenever I would try to stand up I feel so afraid, about everything.
I tried to make friends in the past but they used me, I feel. I tried to be in a relationship, but those people also used me for their own needs or fantasies. My dad’s extended family views me as a worthless imbecile, who hasn’t made a single penny. They won’t talk to me at social gatherings, and if they do, it would be verbal abuse or cruel jokes.
I have a brother who needs attention and care, but during my teens, my dad, being an alcoholic used to beat me and abuse me. He used to destroy my self esteem during those days and I once tried to commit suicide too. He quit drinking now and now we are friendly. But I don’t know still I hate him for treating me like that when I needed his love.
I wanted to prove myself, prove my existence but I don’t know how. I feel like I am just worthless, as I am no teen at all, I am reaching 27 and haven’t achieved anything significant yet .
Sometimes I would think about death too but thoughts about my family keeps me alive.
I need your prayers and I cannot go from here

[Thunder Bow]

It is time for you to move on. Time to take the big risk. The internet is like the telephone, same thing. You already know what you can do on the phone. Consider the internet as a telephone, and that does have limitations.

You basicly, face the same problems with family as other people around the world do. Family Process is the same every where. In your case, it is a little more engrained, because of your traditions. But tradition can be like an old lady fixed to a youngmans back. It can be a burden to the young.

You have accomplished much in life so far. Much more so than the average person. Do take the exam, and you will do well.

You and only you, are your main support. Support from others are fine. But when it is all said and done, it is only you, that is the best source of support. I do think you got more than what it takes, to take care of your yourself and take the risks you do need to take for yourself.

This post reminds me of the recent movie "Life Of Pi". It is about a Young Man or your Nation that was forced to do an "Vision Quest" out at sea. He had a Tiger with him, that was part of the young man himself. You too, have that Tiger within you. Please click on my link to the Movie Website. :

LIFE OF PI - Available Now on 3D Blu-ray, Blu-ray, DVD, and Digital HD

It is now time to start your Vision Quest Journey!

[Lamia_13]

Yay, you're back!

[rigaschuckler]

Originally Posted by invisible butterfly

[rigaschuckler]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

It is time for you to move on. Time to take the big risk. The internet is like the telephone, same thing. You already know what you can do on the phone. Consider the internet as a telephone, and that does have limitations.

You basicly, face the same problems with family as other people around the world do. Family Process is the same every where. In your case, it is a little more engrained, because of your traditions. But tradition can be like an old lady fixed to a youngmans back. It can be a burden to the young.

You have accomplished much in life so far. Much more so than the average person. Do take the exam, and you will do well.

You and only you, are your main support. Support from others are fine. But when it is all said and done, it is only you, that is the best source of support. I do think you got more than what it takes, to take care of your yourself and take the risks you do need to take for yourself.

This post reminds me of the recent movie "Life Of Pi". It is about a Young Man or your Nation that was forced to do an "Vision Quest" out at sea. He had a Tiger with him, that was part of the young man himself. You too, have that Tiger within you. Please click on my link to the Movie Website. :

LIFE OF PI - Available Now on 3D Blu-ray, Blu-ray, DVD, and Digital HD

It is now time to start your Vision Quest Journey!

Hello thunder bow,
Thanks a lot for this lovely comment. I need these types of good, kind words from people which would help me in resuscitating my wounded self-esteem and then racing again with much vigor to my dreams.
Life of pi is an awesome movie. I have seen it too. But only now I started to think there is a connection between these types of movies and my life. I am going to watch it again.
I am going to study again and I have to. I will.
Thanks a lot and keep motivating me. Pray for me.
Wishing you and your loved ones an awesome day and May almighty will keep all of you happy always.

[rigaschuckler]

Originally Posted by Lamia_13

Yay, you're back!

Hello Lamia,
Yes I am back I don’t have any other place to go, and these days I feel like I don’t have any people other than you now. You can understand my situation in this post and it would tell why I came back
Thank you

[Thunder Bow]

I Pray for you at Spirit Mountain!

[rigaschuckler]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

I Pray for you at Spirit Mountain!

Thanks a lot and i am very happy

Hi....I have not read any of your previous posts, so I don't "know" you.

From this post, I get the impression that you are intelligent, poetic, well spoken and on the very precipice of breaking free of your current life and embarking on a new one.
You seem willing to take chances in life if you could just get a little push.

I don't see that you have a support system at home to give you that push. But clearly you are brave enough to jump.

Sometimes we just need to ask ourselves "what's the worst that can happen? Can I pick myself up and try again if things don't work out to perfection?" It seems to me that you are doing that very thing by coming back here....you have picked yourself up and are trying again.
Next time you feel the urge to take a chance on anything, know that you can deal with what happens....because you know how to reach out.

[(JD)]

It's very difficult to find motivation to move on by oneself...I know. What I found out is that often the sense of not being alone was a myth... and though I felt the "comfort" of having others support me, in reality I was alone!

So it's a mindset, I guess is what I'm saying. Usually when we go through something we don't have all our family and friends to talk to face to face 24/7...we really work through it ourselves and 'bounce' ideas and thoughts 'off' others...but the decisions are really our own anyway.

You can do this. Where you are 'at' in life is not where you will always be. Perhaps if you think of it as NOT permanent, but temporary, it will help you focus on your goal for the future....

I live with chronic pain...and have to push to do things I think I want to do. The pain and fatigue increase... sometimes I have to submit to tests that increase my pain or anxiety... but just like with the things I want to do... I KNOW THAT I CAN endure anything if I accept that it's temporary... I can wait it out (usually)... the recent bout of deep grieving for my service dog is an exception...

Break down your 6 months into smaller segments, with smaller goals for each week and each month. Trying to look at the whole 6 months and what you have to achieve is just overwhelming! Smaller goals/objectives will give you more successes in learning, and help to motivate you...

and remember, working hard this 6 months will pay off ...and it won't always be this hard. Push yourself. When the negative thoughts come, put them aside. Once a day take 5 or 10 minutes to actually think about the negative thoughts...then put them back on the shelf (or in a box, or away) and when they show up during the day say to yourself (out loud if you need to) "NO! I won't think that now, I'll think about that tomorrow as I planned."

Good wishes!

[rigaschuckler]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Hi....I have not read any of your previous posts, so I don't "know" you.

From this post, I get the impression that you are intelligent, poetic, well spoken and on the very precipice of breaking free of your current life and embarking on a new one.
You seem willing to take chances in life if you could just get a little push.

I don't see that you have a support system at home to give you that push. But clearly you are brave enough to jump.

Sometimes we just need to ask ourselves "what's the worst that can happen? Can I pick myself up and try again if things don't work out to perfection?" It seems to me that you are doing that very thing by coming back here....you have picked yourself up and are trying again.
Next time you feel the urge to take a chance on anything, know that you can deal with what happens....because you know how to reach out.

Thanks a lot
I know by now that it is time to pursue my dreams and be firm in my determination and i hope the almighty will guide me
Thanks again

[rigaschuckler]

Originally Posted by (JD)

It's very difficult to find motivation to move on by oneself...I know. What I found out is that often the sense of not being alone was a myth... and though I felt the "comfort" of having others support me, in reality I was alone!

So it's a mindset, I guess is what I'm saying. Usually when we go through something we don't have all our family and friends to talk to face to face 24/7...we really work through it ourselves and 'bounce' ideas and thoughts 'off' others...but the decisions are really our own anyway.

You can do this. Where you are 'at' in life is not where you will always be. Perhaps if you think of it as NOT permanent, but temporary, it will help you focus on your goal for the future....

I live with chronic pain...and have to push to do things I think I want to do. The pain and fatigue increase... sometimes I have to submit to tests that increase my pain or anxiety... but just like with the things I want to do... I KNOW THAT I CAN endure anything if I accept that it's temporary... I can wait it out (usually)... the recent bout of deep grieving for my service dog is an exception...

Break down your 6 months into smaller segments, with smaller goals for each week and each month. Trying to look at the whole 6 months and what you have to achieve is just overwhelming! Smaller goals/objectives will give you more successes in learning, and help to motivate you...

and remember, working hard this 6 months will pay off ...and it won't always be this hard. Push yourself. When the negative thoughts come, put them aside. Once a day take 5 or 10 minutes to actually think about the negative thoughts...then put them back on the shelf (or in a box, or away) and when they show up during the day say to yourself (out loud if you need to) "NO! I won't think that now, I'll think about that tomorrow as I planned."

Good wishes!

Hello JD,
I mentioned you on this post as you told me about the dangers of cutting of the only support system i am having now. You were right, it was unbearable and i am here again
Your posts have always inspired me, like all of my friends who kept doing that here. Thank you for understanding me and writing to me
I am studying hard these days, making small targets, like you said and i seriously want to do it.
Need all of your prayers to reach there.
Thanks again and may god bless you