[Clyde Donovan]

Hello,

I've recently been able to talk to a counselor for the first time, and he suggested to me that I have Pure OCD. I had originally sought help with what I thought to be Reactive Attachment Disorder. I had an abusive mother from my infancy to the time I was fifteen (I moved away; I am now seventeen). I have always been angered by people trying to get close to me, and more specifically when I try to open up to them; speaking about and in certain cases even thinking about and acknowledging my feelings makes me extremely irritable. I can never admit to being hurt or rejected, and I have huge control issues because of this.

However, other times, I feel as if I have no feelings at all; I noticed for a few years now that my feelings would suddenly go away when I became aware, or "checked" on them. Without realizing this as OCD, I still knew it was going on and have tried to stop it but I can't.

My counselor has told me that I definitely have Pure O, and I was wondering, if I do have RAD, if the OCD is serving to exacerbate it. Even if isn't RAD, the two problems work to feed each other. I have these problems working through my emotions without getting angry; I then become so obsessed with feeling love and admitting that I feel hurt/rejection, that I begin to check my feelings every single time I'm in a situation where they would be aroused, and eventually begin doubting that I have any, which leads to this awful dissociated state where I feel numb and apathetic. Except, it's like an artificial apathy, because I get this tenseness in my chest and feel that I am suppressing myself from feeling anything at all. I get so caught up with this dissociation (which even goes as far as to bring depersonalization/derealization symptoms like spacing out, foggy thinking and loose sense of identity) that I can't even focus on the first issue.

I just don't know what to do at this point, I know I'm in my own head too much, but I just can't stop thinking about it and burying all of my feelings under constant doubting and dissociation. How can one out-think their own brain?

[Clyde Donovan]

I also think that my Pure O was brought on by my childhood, and I always taught myself to suppress my emotions, mostly because it gave me a sense of control when I had none because of my mother (who was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive and violent). Thinking through this and writing it all down has lead me to realize that perhaps I get angry because of this fear of losing control of my emotions and feeling good for once, being happy, feeling joy, because with feeling those things comes the potential for being hurt, and I just can't handle that. So the anger comes from this fear...but it has become so engrained in my head that it has been going on my whole life, sub-consciously. And I have only recently (within the past year or so) begun to notice something terribly wrong with not being able to feel.

Still, the question stands: how do I go about reversing this damage?

[Piraeus]

That's great that you are talking to your counselor.I see that you are fairly new to Psych Central. You will learn a lot just talking to people with similar issues. I wish there was something I could say to help you. Maybe just checking out the OCD message board will give you a good start. Here is a link to get you started.

OCD and Trichotillomania - Forums at Psych Central

I have Pure O and i relate very strongly to most of what you have written.

But this:

Originally Posted by Clyde Donovan

How can one out-think their own brain?

is something I say at least a couple times a week. [now. it used to be like every five minutes].

Therapy is helpful. Initially SSRIs may be as well- to help you get the most out of therapy. Depending on the severity of your symptoms.

SSRIs can be REALLY helpful with OCD, and I would propose that maybe you were actually naturally susceptible to OCD and OCD thought patterns and behaviors but because of your traumatic past that is what the theme of your OCD centers around.

I think a lot of people don't understand OCD, particularly Pure O- you can be in a personal prison and panicking and feel tormented but things happen internally, so for the most part outside observers don't have any conception of the torture you are experiencing.

I've gotten "Well... just think about something else!" before.

It doesn't work that way.
What DID help was actually realizing it was OCD- I actually was already using CBT [cognitive behavioral therapy] skills on a regular basis. I had techniques coming out my ears, but it wasn't enough- for ME. Everyone is different.

Now I am on Luvox and in combination with using some of those skills things have improved so drastically.

Just because i can relate strongly to what you are saying, it doesn't mean i know that you have OCD. I would encourage you [as another poster said] to look through the OCD forum, though, and maybe explore with your provider some treatment geared in that direction. If it doesn't help, then it doesn't help- but it might.

If you are experiencing RAD or anything else as well as actual OCD, things won't get sorted out until you address the OCD or the behaviors that are presenting similar to OCD- they can interfere with so much, as you clearly know.

J

[Thunder Bow]

Your right about Fear. You childhood needs to examined with your counselor. Your anxiety/anger feelings are rooted in childhood. Anxiety is just anxiety, and should not be over labeled as OCD or RAD or RODENT or any thing else.