help me get my emotions under control and my happy life back please

this post is more about my emotional state than my relationship but they go together so i am sorry if this is lonng for some people...let me start out by saying that i and 25 and have been in my relationship for almost 6 years. lately, at least the last three or four years i have developed very low self esteem. before i got into my current relationship i was 19, i was a very happy person. i like the person i was, was very confident and felt i could take on the world. if anything bothered me i could easily shake it off and move forward whether it was guys school or work. and then i met my current boyfriend.

at first everything was amazing. he was the nicest person i had ever met, very affectionate, could talk about anything, it was perfect and i was insanely happy. i will point out now that before he and i made things offical i was also talking/dating another guy before i even met my now boyfriend. i told him this to be open and honest to him. but obviously it didn't work out because i chose my now boyfriend. and he seemed happy and understanding about this. but then a few months into our relationship a switch went off and he began to accuse me of cheating and being shady when i wasn't and calling me terrible things. making me feel terrible about myself and things i had done before i even knew him and my behavior like i just didn't care about him and his feelings. this has been going on our entire realtionship, he refuses to let it go and forgive me and move past it, although i haven't heard much of it the last few years only when hes drunk or in a bad mood.we have been together almost 6 years.

our relationship is very much it could be a bad day or a good day, its not all bad, and i ovioulsy love him very much. but i also want to bring up that about two months ago he broke up with me after five and half years saying that hes been miserable in our realtionship, this destroyed me becasue i had no idea he felt like this. but he still contacted me everyday and about amonth after the breakup we got back together saying we would take things slow, he immeadatly told me he missed me and loves me etc. but can i really beleive him, the breakup alone shattered my trust in him and im not even sure now how i feel being with him

this all has gradualy worn away all of my confidence and love for myself and him somewhat as well. i hate myself and feel unattractive and unwanted. i have anxiety all the time about what i did wrong if i did anything wrong in the above situation. im afraid he will leave me at any second even though he regularly tells me he wont ( but he said that before and then dumped me out of the blue) i used to not care much of what anyone thought said or did, now i take everything said or done to heart way more than i should. i take things that could mean nothing and turn them into something that makes me depressed. i feel ugly and unattractive to my boyfriend. when were were first together he was very affectionate, kissed me hugged me often held my hand, for the last few years it seems like i have to beg for those things and forget about holding hands in public, which is very disconcerting for me. when he does this i feel like hes not happy or proud that im his girlfriend and i could be looking too much into it, but thats what i feel now all the time. im not confident in myself and i can't look forward to anything because i feel so down all the time. i want to know what can i do to go back to being the confident happy person i used to be before the bad turn in my relationship...without leaving my relationship because things between us are getting better, but i feel like im going to ruin it becasue of my low self esteem and anxiety.

can you get him to sit down with you and talk about this, from time to time in relationships we need reassurance that everything is ok, it seems like the fire has burned out in you guys relationship. maybe you guys could hang out at the place you first met & go to some of your favorite places together. i'm hoping my ex will come visit me next month if i can get her to do so the first place on my list is our cabin we used to love to go to. sometimes all it takes is a little spark to bring everything back and get the fire of love roaring again! talk to him about these things, it's never too late to save your relationship & good luck!

i try to talk to him all the time, but he never wants to hear it, and everytime anything is brought up he shuts down or gets angry. im not really sure whats going on with him. we still do alot of things together and go places, and we have spark, im just not sure why i can't stop feeling insignificant in his eyes. and i don't want to be clingy. i just want to get my confidence back and im not sure how to go about doing it with or without him. im stuck in like a limbo situation of not knowing why i feel so low on myself but i recognize it at this same and cant bring myself to change it.

but thanks for the advice, i hope things work out for you and your ex.