[birdpumpkin]

Sat with mom yesterday while my sister went with dad to an appointment because my mom is just out of the hospital after surgery and couldn't go with him, although she's doing better and walking without a walker now, but still slow and having to hold on to things and don't want any falls. I was there about 4 hours, and once back home, I felt I made so many "mistakes" and am a terrible care-giver. For one thing, she was wanting a taco salad, but I'm a nervous driver and have never driven across the large bridge here to get to any of the fast food places. I'm too scared, though that is a goal for the future, but I want someone with me first before I go alone. So I couldn't go to Taco Bell for her. Then I just kind of forgot about her being hungry though made a cheese sandwich for myself. My dad asked if I could go through a tote-full of books my husband managed to get from our house after our fire. Most of my collection is gone, and these don't look so great. They've been keeping them in their garage, and the whole garage smells of smoke because of them. It's been 6 months now, so you can imagine. Most will probably have to go as water has made them grow a red mold, so he's wanting me to look through and pick out the ones to keep and the ones to get rid of. But - well, I forgot. I didn't even think of it after he left until 20 minutes before I had to go. Then, mom was wanting me to pick up a couple cards for her to send out. I was willing, but then she said she wanted to look first to see what she had. After looking, she had found a couple but wasn't too crazy about them. I said I could go get her a couple, but then - it was kind of dropped and just completely slipped my mind. And the final thing that bothers me the most is that my aunt had to call while I was there, and upon finding out I was there with her, my aunt just had to tell mom about a conversation I was having with a friend on facebook about my anxiety and ptsd issues that she had seen. I didn't want mom to know. She doesn't need that on her right now as she's healing. I knew mom wouldn't be on fb for awhile which is why I allowed myself to talk with the friend about this. Now mom is worried about me. And I said this when I left, which sounds completely smart-alecky, but I didn't mean it to be that way at all... I asked her if she was worrying, and she said no. So I said it wouldn't kill me or send me to the hospital or anything, then I left after saying bye. And now I'm like that sounded so terrible, and I don't even know where that came from. It just came out!! So I'm just feeling like the worst person on earth right now. I feel I totally messed up with everything yesterday. I think I'm going to take my son and drop in later when he's home from school and do the book thing, but I'm feeling really awkward now about the anxiety, and I'm sure mom discussed it with dad. And I feel I was really no help at all for her yesterday. Ugh... Life...

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I find anxiety totally screws with my ability to remember things, sometimes. I'd give you some examples, but of course I won't remember any.

Seriously, though, nobody's perfect. So you made some daft mistakes, but it's hardly all your fault! You've no idea the amount of numpty things I've done (or not done) because of my depression, OCD, and/or anxiety. You're not alone, BP.

[birdpumpkin]

Thanks Zwangsstorung... Just feel I could've done better. Maybe why they usually get my sister. =/ By the way, I've seen you study German. I love languages, too. French and Icelandic for me...

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Originally Posted by birdpumpkin

Thanks Zwangsstorung... Just feel I could've done better. Maybe why they usually get my sister. =/ By the way, I've seen you study German. I love languages, too. French and Icelandic for me...

Yes-sir-eee. Very cool on the French and Icelandic! What's Icelandic like? I've never really heard of it, before. I've tested the waters of French, a little while ago, and do plan to do more, ... just been busy with other stuff, and I get worried I'll get too into it and ignore German. (like I did with German, ignoring Japanese, of which I now remember diddly-squat)

Here's a lil quick story for you, ...

My dad came out of a second-story window a few years back, ... it was insanely scary. I remember walking around to our back garden, people in the street (late at night) and giving me THAT look I had only see on TV... the "I'm sorry for your loss" sort of look. Thank God, he was not croaked, ... he was alive, but not doing too much kicking. My dad was lying on his back, on the grass. He had broken his back, something with his neck, wrist, and probably some bones on his legs/feet as well. He's a big guy... lucky that is all he broke, to be honest. Anyway, I of course didn't know all this at the time... I was petrified.. one of my worst fears (losing him) was maybe going to come true... I just wanted to comfort the man.. so I held his hand.. but guess what? Yep, you guessed it... I chose the hand with the broken wrist.

The ONE thing I wanted to do and could do to be there for him... the one gesture I could show... just wanted to comfort him... couldn't even manage that properly. (ironically, I broke my hand years later, and he inadvertently did the same sort of thing with me! lool) Anyway, the point is, ... we all screw up from time to time! We can't expect to get everything right. I know it's cliché... but just caring that much should mean something. I know my dad would've appreciated it. (if he weren't both hammered and in a tremendous amount of pain) I told him about all this years later, and I seem to recall getting a big hug out of it.

[birdpumpkin]

Oh my - sorry about your dad, but glad everything was okay in the end!! Probably something I'd end up doing, too. Seems the more I try the more I mess things up. I've been trying to visit my parents more often because I realized while mom was in the hospital one day they'll be gone, and I'm only about 15 minutes away and gave them so little of my time - one of my biggest fears, too, everyone dying on me and being left totally alone and not able to fend for myself. I leave everything for my husband to do - even putting gas in the car. I hadn't done that in years and don't think I know how now!! Everything's so changed - another short term goal along with driving across that bridge alone. But anyway, sometimes I end up thinking it was best when I didn't visit so much. Seems I just do damage whenever I do somehow!! But thanks for the story - you're right. At least I was there to help I suppose, even though I didn't do a very good job at it.

I've been studying French for ages - kind of off and on depending on what's been going on in my life. It was on for a long time til our fire 6 months ago, so it's just been on an if-I-feel-like-it basis lately. I'm about intermediate level. I study Icelandic because my favorite band is Sigur Rós. It's interesting - has been going slowly because like you I try to put French first, but I like it. Interesting letters, like "eth" - ð and "thorn" - þ. Both letters were in Old English but not sure the two are related. It's kind of related to German a bit I think. Pronunciation is pretty easy (both those letters sound like English "th.") Grammar is another thing!! But with your background of German it probably wouldn't be too difficult for you. I'm used to French just having 2 genders whereas Icelandic also has the neuter gender. I think German does, too?? Anyway, it's pretty cool. youtube some Sigur and you can hear it...