[Yismymindblank12]

When people yell at me and stop being my friend or being in my life my family included, because I want to feel respected. I feel so unloved for so long, for wanting to die deep down and I'm constantly scared of being successful with what they want me to do. Even if I solved my problems doing things for them, I never had a voice. I get shunned and pushed away, because I want to be me. I want to be youthful, I just want to stay as a kid. I'm going to one day end up killing myself, because I have brain problems that'll get worse and I can't ever make sense, I can't remember anything I get upset bout. I can't get through therapy because of brain damage. I'm tired of trying so hard working so hard to feel loved for just a little bit. I don't want money or anything I just want to feel loved and I don't. People call me crazy saying I get it all I want and need for it, well why don't I feel it all my life. Does that make me crazy? After being abused severely and being told to appreciate what you have and expected to follow orders and being told you don't appreciated you should feel loved? AM I THE ****ING CRAZY PERSON WHO BELIEVES IT'S ALL ABOUT ME. I don't care, bout getting anything else except that, I ignore everyone because I don't care to be apart of anyones life they don't love me and no one does. I hope my exaggeration and exhaustion of feelings gets anything accomplished, yeah I'm ****ed in the head physically. So am I crazy to ask to feel loved when I don't and when it appears I do get it. Can I not recognize it or don't know what it feels like, maybe people should just keep their ****ing mouths shut instead of saying how my life is and how my body works and how I'm under someone else's control. I can't cope with this, I hate feeling like a caged animal being treated like one and being told I should be loved. I guess I'm ****ing crazy and I don't belong in this world to live. I hate humanity they are so quick to wanting someone to die so badly. I hate people so ****ing much. I don't want this body I don't want to ever go to heaven or hell, this is completely stupid. Nothing gets done in the end everyone leaves, and everyone dies and never comes back. I don't put my faith blindly to expect something to happen that won't. It's so I won't kill myself, but people don't want that either in me. I don't want to be alive, because I'm some ****ing insect who treats people like **** when I don't, I can't rationalize properly and I was beaten and raped so many ****ing times left unnoticed no one stood up for me I had to do it myself. I'm being control and called weak, because I can't do anything else, when I have wants and needs they aren't worth ****. I do without having a life, so I can live on hoping I might find the opportunity to have one. No one understands what it feels like to be someones freaking slave for their childhood, go through hell and back 20 times over, being told to deal with it while I'm taking punches. Anything I ask is not worth asking and being told I can't get what I want I have to work for it. Does that sound like ****ing freedom?!?!?! If you can't tell everyone everyone can kiss my ***. I don't care bout myself or anyone or anything I'm a **** head sociopath with severe brain damage psychosis when I'm dead I will do the world a favor. I can't get love I can't recieve I'll never understand it, I shut everyone out, because everyone wants to be this or that. I'm not even human, I'm not even a person, I'm not a person that exists. I'm nothing, because of how I've been treated. This is the pattern that goes through my mind 24/7 I haven't gotten control of it ever. I was in a coma last year and almost died in 2010 from disease. I even let myself go through physical hell and torment intentionally feel like I'm faking it at a hospital, but even if they find something or not. I will let them hurt me badly with needles medications induce me to get sick more. Does this sound psychotic. Do i need to be locked away because I'm some caged rabid dog. Does anyone understand what it's like to never understand anything, and not know that you'll never be able to save yourself despite your efforts. I'm paranoid of running away, because of my parents trying to track me down. I guess I'm crazy, I can't get what I want. Does this pattern make any sense at all in my head all the time?

[Travelinglady]

Given what you have beeen through, your thinking makes sense. Have you been to therapy to help you work through your past?

I sure would like to see you doing better.

[nicoleflynn]

You aren't crazy, you are someone in pain. I hope you will get into therapy. Hugs