[tigersassy]

So my t and my wife have been telling me that I'm not dealing with my emotions "correctly" . How do you determine what is a correct way to react to an emotion? Particularly when you aren't even sure what you are feeling? I disconnected myself from my emotions a long time ago to me, that would probably have been around 3 (I'm 26 currently). I had to in order to live through my version of hell. I started trying to deal with my emotions when I was almost 19 in college with a therapist through the school. I'm still not good at it obviously as my current t and wife keep reminding me. I've been thinking about my last therapy session which was Saturday and my wife went with me. It came back to how I handle my emotions if I can't "deal" with them. I put them in a box in the dark recesses of my mind and forget about them particularly when I'm unsure of what they even are. How can I deal with them if I can't even name them? I don't even know if this makes any sense to anyone other than me. It didn't seem to make sense to my t or wife. Then there's the issue I've got with telling myself that I should or shouldn't feel something. My emotions seem so extreme to little triggers, something that I've been told often throughout my life by hurtful people. Which makes me question everything. I'm babbling now. I'll drop it all there for now.
Thank you.

Tig

[smmath]

I really don't like that they essentially told you "you should do..." My previous T helped me to rid the should statements from my vocabulary and it has really helped me. I personally don't think that we have to deal with everything at once, so maybe putting things on a shelf is okay as long as it doesn't cause more pain.

Have you told your wife and T how it made you feel? Maybe that would be a good first step?

[Calm]

Baby steps are needed. You've been boxing up your emotions since the age of 3, and I just don't see how you could possibly pop open that box and start dealing with every emotion you've tucked in there. It takes time and sometimes a lot of time is needed in the process. It's almost like being introduced to each of your emotions individually and examining them and how you deal with each one.

I don't know your past history but it seems enough happened that causes you to react to "little triggers" in an extreme way. It surely doesn't help to have this pointed out to you by those who have been hurtful to you. Give yourself time to explore your thoughts and how they're related to your emotions. I don't think there's any quick fix to this. Just try to pace yourself and allow yourself time to digest what you discover and feel about it.

Best wishes to you and hope with time you'll be able to understand and deal with your emotions well.

[tigersassy]

No we didn't really talk about how the topic made me feel. Because I still don't really know how it made me feel.
Thank you calm. I try to be easy with myself and remember that I've been through a lot, but sometimes I want a quick fix.
There are times when I feel so lost and confused when I start trying to deal with emotions. I get overwhelmed with them. I'm rambling again.

Tig

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you were not allowed to express your emotions and from an early age too. So what you are describing now is two people that are now asking you to express something you never got to express and learn it was ok to express because you would have someone there to hear and comfort you. Often with men the one emotion they do express is "anger" having that "fight response". And most likely there is "fear" there too because in society men are supposed to be careful about how they express emotions because often that is considered a sign of weakness, which of course it is not.

I am wondering is your T a woman? If so, it might be better if you had a male T as a male T may have a better understanding of how you may struggle with emotions from a male POV.

If the abuser was female, and the female punished you for expressing emotions, then having a female ask you to express emotions may be triggering.

[tigersassy]

I'm a female with a female t who was abused by males and females.

Tig

[Open Eyes]

Ok, sorry, I don't always know now as same sex marriages are still pretty new. Well, having a woman T and a supportive wife is IMHO very helpful. I am very sorry you were abused by both males and females growing up. If you did not have access to a safe and caring person in your environment then feeling safe with that kind of person is difficult.

I think that it is important to identify the triggers you have, and it sounds like you have many of them that probably revolve around your personal boundaries and difficulty allowing another person to come into your private space easily and comfortably without feeling triggered or being ok to "feel good emotions" about it.

Children learn about emotions from the people around them in their environment and it is never their fault if the people in their environment responded poorly to them and others. People who do well with expressing their emotions as well as feeling it is "normal and acceptable" to do so, will not understand someone who struggles because it was not acceptable or normal in their childhood. It is as though the emotionally free person is swimming in a pool and the person struggling has only been able to be in a pool of thick mud where everything was a challenge and they never got to feel the freedom of being in water and floating and feeling refreshed. It isn't that you can't see others who float and swim well and wish you could do the same, however, you do feel that if you tried you might just sink and drown. And you struggle with PTSD and that just magnifies the challenges you have and are now much more aware of and have become very sensitive and protective and "vulnerable".

Well, entering into Therapy is finding a person to listen to you, a person you can feel safe with that will not judge you and only being near a small kiddie pool. Yet, you are explaining to your T what your pool of heavy mud was like which is nothing like the kiddie pool that even though it is so small, looks confusing and intimidating to you.

A lot of people who struggle with PTSD and have a challenging history like that mostly struggle with "anger" and that bounces back and forth with expressing it to others to turning it inward. However, because children don't understand abuse and neglect, they try to find their own ways of "self soothing" when they struggle with "normal human child needs". They learn to disassociate, to form their own different personalities to help them manage to thrive, and they also slowly learn how to shut down their emotions because they begin to learn they will be "punished" somehow for their needs.

What you need to do is learn about whatever emotions you disassociated from the most, and why, and that takes time. All people learn to shut off and disassociate from emotions, and as they mature they gain on their skills, they learn where they "can" express emotions and when it is "safe" to do so. With some children there is no true "safe" place so they begin to develop the safe place in their own minds with developing different identities where they can have an inner emotional discussion. However, all people actually do that on "some" level, even talk to themselves when they have some kind of challenge they are not sure how to handle. That is all about taking all of the aspects of whatever is challenging them and putting it all into words they themselves listen to in order to see how it all fits into the challenge and how best to solve all these pieces.

When you are working with your therapist or even interacting with your wife, you struggle in knowing how to "present the story of challenges you have along with the appropriate connected emotions". And that is what your thread title is saying too.

You were not allowed to do that as a child, so you have to learn to identify the different scenarios where you were expected not to "have emotional rights". Well, that is hard because in order to do that you will need to really trust and feel "safe" and that is not easy for you, but you are not alone with that challenge as that is what all victims of abuse struggle with. And with the subconscious mind, there are things we struggle with and avoid that we don't always "consciously" know/realize.

That being said, you need to understand that this "avoidance" is something that "all" people have on some level and that is expressed when people respond with "just forget it, just ignore them, just stop dwelling, and all the other "justs" people come up with in advising. That is a common app in the human brain. Well, when a person struggles with PTSD, they can't do that and when others use any language that instructs them to do that they get triggered, frustrated, and angry not only at others but also themselves.

It is "ok" if you struggle with doing "emotions correctly", you just did not have the opportunity to "practice them, express, them or feel validated for having them". The only thing you can do right now is talk about your "mud pool" and "slowly" experience "validations" for whatever emotions that surface. It is "not your fault" and it doesn't mean you are a bad person or will never be able to "heal" and "learn", however, it will take time and yes, it is baby steps by a small baby pool too.

(((Supportive Understanding Hugs)))
OE

[Psykick]

I can somewhat relate...I have difficulty expressing emotions. I've been told that I don't express much emotion. I generally don't feel "safe" when I express negative emotions, so you are not alone. I'm also female. Generally females are better at expressing their emotions than males.

[tigersassy]

I tend to express false emotions. What I think I'm supposed to feel in a situation, not what I actually feel. Not being able to name the emotions is what bothers me most. I like everything to have a name. It makes things neat and tidy. Like I can speak directly to it instead of using adjectives to describe it when people can feel things differently.

Tig

[Psykick]

Originally Posted by tigersassy

I tend to express false emotions. What I think I'm supposed to feel in a situation, not what I actually feel. Not being able to name the emotions is what bothers me most. I like everything to have a name. It makes things neat and tidy. Like I can speak directly to it instead of using adjectives to describe it when people can feel things differently.

Tig

Embracing or accepting your emotions might help. Are you at least able to distinguish the difference between emotions? (example: Happy vs Sad)

[tigersassy]

Simple emotions yes. Like happy and sad/depressed. Anger not really. Fear yes (but everything is fear to a certain point). Other than that not really able to tell what is what.

Tig

[Psykick]

Originally Posted by tigersassy

Simple emotions yes. Like happy and sad/depressed. Anger not really. Fear yes (but everything is fear to a certain point). Other than that not really able to tell what is what.

Tig

You can do research on emotions to help yourself distinguish the differences. Anger is a rather complex emotion...

[tigersassy]

How do you research emotions? I've asked people before, but everyone's was so different and I'd never experienced what they described. I'm trying to decide if what I'm feeling today is sadness or resentment. Maybe it s both, but I don't know. Why do emotions have to be so difficult? Isn't it easier to go back to numb?

Tig

[tigersassy]

Emailed my psych nurse today about this just to get another input. He just called told me I was over thinking the entire thing, he left a message cause I didn't get to the phone in time. Am I really over thinking this? Maybe a phone call back is in order. Maybe I didn't explain this right.

Tig

[Travelinglady]

I would rather feel emotions than be numb. It could be that you are "overthinking," even worrying about things too much. Perhaps you can actually talk to him soon about what he meant, etc.

[tigersassy]

I have a tendency to over think. But I really feel this isn't over thinking. It should have been something that I learned when I was a child, but didn't. And now I'm 26 years old trying to explore emotions and what they feel like for me. I think this should be something I should just know. Wish I could just understand all these emotions that I've lost touch with.

Tig