I'm Miserable Anymore...

I wish I could be brave and not so fearful all the time. Ever since our house fire December 3rd I'm afraid of everything. I think I have ptsd and am suffering terrible anxiety. And then things just don't stop happening in my life. It seems there's always something to stress about so I can't even heal myself from what's happened. Just getting our old home demolished and this new double wide in was an ordeal unto itself that lasted about 3 months. I lost 8 of my 10 cats, the other 2 went missing and haven't been found despite searching and searching. The last I saw of them was 2 sets of glowing eyes in the field behind us by the fence 2 days later. They ran off and haven't seen a thing since. I'm grieving and just want to know where they are and if they're still alive. We've since lost our goat - 2 weeks ago. Always money problems. Husband having job problems - yesterday his boss wanted him to work on someone's property where he needed a permit, but he didn't have one yet and would be illegal without one. My husband's boss threatened to fire him if he didn't do it, but of course illegal and he won't, so... I'm just wondering now if my husband will return home with his job this evening. My mom just out of the hospital after being there a week. Have to go with dad to an appointment of his tomorrow where I could be sitting alone in a waiting room for a couple hours or so. I'm not dealing well with alone right now and am afraid I'm going to have a panic attack there. I don't even know when the appointment is yet or if he'll pick me up, and I have to be back in time for my son to be home from school, so I'm stressing. A guy is supposed to come install a ceiling fan and do some work on our home today, which is always awkward, so I'm just dreading it. I just want some relief!! Just want to escape my life so badly. When I think of the fire, it all seems so unreal. I feel I'm in a bad dream. It's like my brain can't process it. My world revolved around my cats, and they're gone. All buried in the back yard, and I'm just like, "How??" This new house is playing with my mind. I miss the other one. I liked it a lot better. All my stuff destroyed. I've gotten a "new" piano, but I keep thinking it's not mine. It's just a replacement. As is everything else. I've gotten a new kitty which I love, but I want my others back. I keep thinking of last year when they were here. I always opened the windows and doors for them when it was warm. They loved looking out and watching birds. They should still be here enjoying this summer - but they're not. Sometimes I just feel I can't deal with it, and I have no one in my life who understands. Everyone seems to think it's over and done with, especially since we're in our new house. That everything is new and happy now, but it's not. I'm still dealing with the fall-out. And just stressing about everything else going on in my life. I used to be so happy. Now I wake up trembling each day - for the last 6 months. I want my old life back.

Hi Birdpumkin. It's nice to meet you. I'm sorry for your loss. You are still grieving, and it will take some time to heal. It's not over yet for you. I'm sorry you lost your cats.
Maybe some counseling would help. I hope your husband keeps his job.

Piraeus

Thanks for the kind words. Just so many things going on at once when I need to deal with my own things/traumas right now. It's like I don't get a chance to deal with me. I'm worried about everyone else. I would love some counseling, but we don't have insurance. I've just begun trying to take up the reins myself because I don't see help coming any other way. Just ordered a ptsd workbook and printed some things off the computer. Hopefully can help, but would still prefer a professional. I suppose we'll see about the husband's job later on in the day... I worry enough about the bills while he's working...

I'm so sorry for you loss. It is going to take time to get over losing you pets and your stuff. I would suggest some relaxation CDs or if you have the internet you can check on Utube. I'm sure they have some on there too. Take some time for yourself and listen to these daily, they will help with the anxiety. Your grief will take a while, but you can come to PC anytime to discuss what you are going through. We also have a Pet Forum. We have a lot of people who have lost animals in some manner. It might help to talk with them. Wishing you well and hope your husband still has his job.

sometimes when life is overwhelming, the simplest pleasures can be healing. there is a web page of DBT Self Soothing techniques that might be of use to you at: Self-Sooth

i have boosted that up a little with some other cognitive suggestions in a post here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/copin...whelming~.html

i hope you find yourself becoming stronger as time goes on....
best wishes~
Gus

I am so sorry to hear about the loss and trauma you have experienced. I can't even begin to imagine the grief you must be feeling right now, and you have so much on your plate.

Sometimes people think things are over and done with just because time keeps ticking on, but sadness, grief and trauma don't just vanish by magic. It's not fair that you've lost so much. Your old life, and all that you have lost, need to be grieved for, and your feelings are absolutely valid.

I would strongly recommend considering therapy, if you aren't already, as I think it sounds like you could use some help working through all of this.

Thanks for the kind words tinyrabbit. I'd love to get therapy, but we don't have any insurance and can't afford it. =/