Scared

I am scared. I was just released from a 19 day hospitalization following a three week psychotic bipolar episode-- my first-- after months of running away from everything because I remembered the end to a dream I had always had and knew now it wasn't a dream.

I left my home in West Virginia on December 31st, 2013 after 2 hours of planning and preparation and by January 4th, 2014 I was in Santa Cruz, California with one of two brothers I had met four days before planning on "taking over" the medical marijuana industry with my baking skills and his access to all the weed I could ever need. Instead I began running trim all over the state and daily risking felonies and jail time. Within 2 months I was homeless and living out of my car. When I finally settled in the weed capital of the world, Humboldt County, California, I started having the dream over and over. Soon, I was what I now know was rapid- cycling.

I went into the hospital after two weeks of searching for a place for my dog to stay and was put on Seroquel and (after demanding it) Cymbalta. I left the hospital in a great mood and returned to Humboldt only to find out that my POC that abandoned me. I stopped taking my meds and took off to Oregon with some travelers planning on finding heroin to overdose on after giving my dog to a hippie in the woods at the Rainbow Gathering (look it up if you are interested). I am very shy however and even my strong desire to die could not make it easy for me to bring up with heroin question with people and I again returned to California and after three days of finding myself sporadically talking to myself I found I was desperate enough to finally contact my family. I went back into the hospital where I finally received the help that I needed and am now returning to my family in Virginia.

I am excited and scared now that I have accepted my mental illness. I am excited because relief is now feasible for me but scared by all the work I havet to do. I know I am not the only person who has experienced this, but I feel so alone. I have no one really except for my family and I really need friends who understand.

Hello, 420Librarian. Thank you for relating what you endured. I am so pleased to learn you are now working to create a better life for yourself.

Please continue to post. We are concerned about you, and shall be as supportive as we can.

I wish you well.

Hello 420Librarian, everyone of us are faced with certain challenges in this life. Don't be scared, instead build on the excitement. Best wishes to you.

Hello 420Librarian, as we travel down our paths of the unknown and uncertainties there are many things that will scare us. I believe your choice to return home to your family is a positive one. I hope that you keep posting so as to allow others to help you walk this path.

Thank you all. I think my decision to return home was the right one too

Welcome to PsychCentral, 420Librarian. I'm a bipolar alcoholic and am so glad you're home with family, diagnosed, and being treated. This is a wonderful site to find information and people who have been where you are--beginning recovery.

You needn't be scared by all the work you have to do. All you actually must do is get from one hour to the next, day by day. I have learned many coping strategies from folks on the board with longer or different experience with bipolar disorder. Because people from many nations meet here, you'll get a broad view of the many approaches to bipolar treatment.

You don't ever need to be without someone to talk with. As you befriend people, you'll have a growing list of people who understand, don't judge, and always support. One of them is bound to be awake!

roads

Hi 420Librarian, please realize that you are not alone. There are people here to support you and they are very accepting and non-judgemental. I hope things start looking up for you, I send my best wishes.

Again, thanks all! I made it back across country and am ready to start my new life ASAP!

change your thinking and think happy thoughts.