[Yismymindblank12]

I'm get things done, I'm get kinda sick and sleepy a lot. It feels time is going way too slow. I feel a lot of my time, isn't stuck in a monotonous task or being stuck at home, but I'm trapped in my existence and I don't want to die a lot. I just want to go away from this imprisonment. I feel trapped in the way everything works in this whole planet. I don't want love, I don't want much, I wish I could run away and live simpler life in pure isolation. I'm usually isolated in my head, it's like my head is always somewhere else and when I come back to reality it's like 4 months later or 4 years later in the future and my life is gone.
I was in my own peaceful reality, but it's usually disturbed with the thought of my own mortality and the grieving of my purpose in life.

I've felt I should of helped the middle east and their people, I wanted to help people to give some clarity to my existence. Truly invest my time, being invested completely consumed into another life, another culture, and erase being american. I wanted to embrace my true place. I felt my life here in america is very caddy and I knew all my life, I'm not american, I'm european, I'm scottish. I'm born american, and I wanted to be apart of a home.

I've adopted culture in the UK and especially Scotland from my family on my mom's side. My mom is a dual citizen, but I felt for all my life. I didn't like being an american, because the feeling I had as it my home felt out of place.
I never understood my complexity of my internal needs. It's not as simple of moving to scotland, because I won't find the relief. I'll still be alone, because I want a home, not just a house or a mindless banter of silly whims of american life.

I felt my whole life I was entirely different from a lot of people, I still don't understand why or what makes me so different. I know what's in me is different itself, but why am I so in need to separate from everyone. Why do I love to distance and have true loving interpersonal relationships with things that are unattainable in my head. I don't know what I want, some days, I want to be miserable others I want to be happy and free. Many days, I want to fall in love and many more I want to avoid all people at all costs. Many days I'm sane to everyone around me and have a clear view of what I see, but many more times, I see nothing under the thin layer of skin called existence.

I only feel alive with vibrations and existing through my understanding in other's people's eyes. If I don't have that, I'm nothing, but truly alone in a void of people, culture, and life that is irrelevant to what I'm experiencing.

I don't know if anyone has this.

help

[Travelinglady]

Hmmm. I see you are having some struggles. I can't say I have felt this way exactly. It's sort of like an identity crisis, is it not?

Are you seeing a therapist? I see one and find it very helpful

[Yismymindblank12]

I used to.. Can't afford with insurance to have therapy for probably till another month.
I've been holding out not seeing anyone, spending my time cooped up in my own head. When people ask me what's wrong I don't tell them regardless.
I don't trust people like what they think of me, I struggle with reality since I was born. I was diagnosed as schizoaffective, but I am aware of the world around me, except it's hard to explain how much am I truly aware.

The truth is my lack of identity is just a disproving or anything am I worth being here with people who are able to do many things with ease. I can do a lot of great things to, but I have some weird ability that lives in other people's shoes literally I'm experiencing the feelings, visual stimulation, every body sensation, everything how it felt at that moment for them I feel it.
It's the only thing I enjoy when I'm out in public, and all I want to do is be there for people and tell them about it. When I do sometimes, they get happy out of shock or surprise saying, "yeah exactly! how'd you know." or get creeped out that I know too much. In which it's lonely, because I don't know how I know, it happens everywhere I go to anyone with out my control at any time. It doesn't just go in their shoes, it starts as a thread a feeling that is the doorway to their inner self and what the other person has put their core beliefs in and understanding that resonance without even speaking or them speaking to you is an amazing gift.
I can see places that many people can't see, people think I'm imagining things, like about a multiverse when I was a very young child, I had visions being in the shoes of a scientist who at the time is questioning to look into the matter, because the theory was never discussed yet. They were still thinking about the big bang and string theory in the early 2000's and getting rovers to mars. Now it's almost a solid existential quantum physics theory now, because of discoveries.

I was a curious child and knew more than anyone else even my teachers. I'd never speak out loud of these things on observations, because where I was at in my life whether I was a child or had mental illness whatever someone else had an excuse in. Authority figures said, I was silly or have a great imagination. Which insults me still, because I know I'm much smarter than they studied, and I studied things in and out of the cirriculum on the same subjects other people learned.
I feel the more I've learned the more depressed I've gotten, because it's like is their more, but my imagination does part of the work. Their is this cliff in my experience in life, that when I lost my sense of reality the first time. Not some simple anxiety attack or psychotic break, it was like everything I knew for about 5 years was gone in an instant. Since then and now, I still don't know. I know less then before now, I feel like I don't belong here, because it feels like I'm surrounded by people who want to push themselves on me to take away my identity, but whatever I had left of it anyways.
I felt like I was on a different planet, I was female, everything good and bad were euphoric experiences, I had 4 past lives possibly. I only now remember 3 vividly.
I've had very vivid memories of places I've never been to in this life and know how to get around chicago and I've never lived there, but I know that whole city if I was to be riding in a car taxi in the city, it surprised me on 4 visits to chicago I had.

My therapist and neurologist are convinced, I'm very clairvoyant and have abilities on levels many people don't have even other people who share my abilities so far what they have seen. The reason that explanation came up, because every therapist, psychologist, M.D. I've met. They never knew what I had, I'm always NOS. Sometimes, psychosis NOS. I don't believe I have psychosis like I used to believe, because I am gaining perspective in a weird new light now on what it is. Yes I had it, but if I am aware now and changed it does it mean I had it in the first place. The easy answer would be no, but it's much more complex with me.

I don't have your a typical fears, and beliefs. I didn't aim or try to be different. I had no choice in the matter, but it's scary you want someone else to feel what you're experiencing and be close with you, but in reality. That's impossible for me so far, it's always context that kills it for me, I meet people that feel like they know me very well, but when I find out in their context and their beliefs. It's completely far from what they were saying to begin with.

So I often go around my life asking. Who am I? or does anything humans do really matter, because to me I never felt so inclined to worry about stupid human problems the petty things in life, more I felt more human when I felt empathy love and joy with people or sharing sadness. That's the only few things I say I'm alive in and existing other than that. I doubt any of it matters.