[sleepy47]

I'm seeking advice, because I can't forget somebody.
I'm aware that this sounds petty and teenage, but I am scaring myself and I know that if this person knew about my behavior they would feel very uncomfortable, and rightly so.
We stopped being friends 248 days ago, (their choice, obviously) and since then I have been completely preoccupied with them. I have actively stalked them, which involved countless attempts at searching for them online. I have found their entire college timetable, what rooms they are in in college and when, their student number and their current grades, their home address, and I have made a fake facebook account with mutual friends so that i can still see some information about them despite their having blocked me. Upon finding their address I anonymously sent them a pizza and gleefully waited for them to post about the mystery pizza (which they did but that only cheered me up for about 10 minutes.)
I messaged them about a month after we fought and we tried to sort things out but it didn't happen and they are quite adamant that I can't stay in their life, so I don't know what I hope to achieve from this harassment. Yesterday I bought a bottle of the shampoo they use just so i could smell like them. I know this behavior is ridiculous and disgusting, but I can't help myself. I try to stop or to cut myself off but every time i try i just get fidgety and uncomfortable and cant stop thinking about what they are doing or what information i might be missing. I keep fantasizing about seeing them again or getting a second chance and I know it wont happen but I've considered hanging around the area where they live in the hope that I will run into them. I've also thought about changing my name and appearance and "accidentally" running into them one day and making friends as a new person.
I really feel like i'm going insane and that this is very unhealthy. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I thought this was just normal grieving but it really looks a lot worse.

[~Christina]

I think if you are able to realize that your actions are unhealthy and unfair to this other person you can find ways to stop your obsession..

When you feel the urge to snoop .. dont ! find something else to do, read a book , do some cardio exercise , call a friend ,goggle a topic of a place you one would like to go to one day.

Please delete your fake facebook page.. Its only going to give you more problems.

If your unable to stop this behavior please go to a professional for help.

Take care

[Pikku Myy]

Sorry to hear things did not work out with your friend. 100% agree with Christina... friendships can not be forced, they need to be earned. Good luck Sleepy47.

[Agentfyre]

I think I get what you're saying, but please let me know if I'm wrong which is very possible. But to me, it sounds as if you feel very guilt about something to do with the way that relationship ended. Fantasizing about a second chance or hoping to run into them as almost a new person makes me feel like something's making you feel like the person you are now ruined everything.

If this guilt is really there, it may be vital to find ways to express and resolve that guilt. Not to that person, as you may have been seeking, but to yourself. Forgiving yourself may be difficult, but can also do wonders. Life changes, some relationships fall apart, but there's no way to go into the past and make a new outcome. Yet, if you forgive yourself in the now, then you'll find the strength to let go of a desired outcome, and more importantly find the strength to seek new, unknown, and mysterious outcomes with other people instead.

However, if I'm wrong then most of this won't apply, so just disregard it.

[sleepy47]

Originally Posted by Agentfyre

I think I get what you're saying, but please let me know if I'm wrong which is very possible. But to me, it sounds as if you feel very guilt about something to do with the way that relationship ended. Fantasizing about a second chance or hoping to run into them as almost a new person makes me feel like something's making you feel like the person you are now ruined everything.

If this guilt is really there, it may be vital to find ways to express and resolve that guilt. Not to that person, as you may have been seeking, but to yourself. Forgiving yourself may be difficult, but can also do wonders. Life changes, some relationships fall apart, but there's no way to go into the past and make a new outcome. Yet, if you forgive yourself in the now, then you'll find the strength to let go of a desired outcome, and more importantly find the strength to seek new, unknown, and mysterious outcomes with other people instead.

However, if I'm wrong then most of this won't apply, so just disregard it.

I think you're absolutely right - you understood perfectly. Thank you so much for this advise. I will do my best. I'm thankful that I at least realise that my behaviour is unacceptable. I mean of course I would never consider hurting this person or anyone near to them but the compulsion to spy on them is still not a normal thing and I'm glad that I'm not deluded unto thinking that it's ok. I suppose the next step is to figure out what I did (the inconvenient thing is that they wouldn't actually tell me why they hated me, which actually might be the cause of this unresolved guilt) and come to terms with it.

[Agentfyre]

Ok, be careful here. The one thing you said that jumped right out at me is this: "The inconvenient thing is that they wouldn't actually tell me why they hated me, which actually might be the cause of this unresolved guilt."

If you don't know what you did, that doesn't mean that you have to find out what you did wrong. Guilt is all about perception (all our emotions are). What do you perceive you did wrong? This could be a certain behavior, like yelling or cheating or something. It could even be emotions, such as guilty about feeling angry or scared. It can even be about something subtle, like feeling like you pushed the person away or feeling like you screw everything up so this is just another thing.

Whatever is the target of your guilt, it comes from you, not him. It's important to then identify what you want to do about that guilt, since it needs to be resolved. Maybe the guilt is about something you really shouldn't feel guilty about, so resolving it would be about learning to accept yourself rather than condemn yourself. Or, maybe the guilt is true, in which case you can seek amends. But it's important that the amends be about you and for you. He may not accept your amends, that's ok. It's more important that you seek to amend yourself. This can sometimes be best done by seeking healthier outcomes in new relationships and allowing the guy that you used to stalk to live him new life, respecting the future that is before him as well as the new future before you.

I hope this helps somewhat, I kinda feel like it doesn't make a lot of sense.