[Steiner of Thule]

worried.

I've been talking to someone on another forum in PMs and I feel like perhaps there is something there. Yet. I am worried. Anxious. Fearful that I will be betrayed. Told to kill myself or go away. I feel like I can really get along with this person. That they aren't vastly different from myself. Though I think it's because they aren't vastly better than myself.

I am a horrible jealous person. I feel like my jealousy ruins everything in my life. I get horribly jealous of others. Enraged even. I feel like it will affect me in the future even with possible relationships with others because people tend to progress with their lives.

A consuming hatred.

My poor self esteem getting in the way. I also feel like I am rushing my emotions since this is one of the first people I have felt something with in awhile or ever. Someone I can talk to and actually feel like I am I guess connecting and also seems to like me back. (Maybe?) There was a person in the past but they sprung a confession on me out of the blue because I couldn't see the signs and it scared me away. (2 confessions even.) All of the people that have ever shown interest were online and it makes me wonder. Am I ugly or something? I don't know. I am hoping I am not scared with this one because I actually think it could work perhaps.

Still scared though.

I've always been alone so I don't really know what I am doing. I really don't want to mess up again. I feel like this one could work but then in the back of my mind I feel like it will crumble. I will be devastated and I feel like I have already messed up. ( I just sent them a message saying they were fantastic.) I just feel like I am messing up or going to mess up and it ruins me a little inside.

I am probably rushing too because yeah. Always alone. The only girls I talk to are online. I don't think I am horribly ugly in real life but maybe I am. I feel like I am being sucked into this again and when it all falls down I will be in shambles trying to recover myself for month only to come out much darker. Like the last time.

[kaliope]

it would really help you in relationships if you worked on your self esteem. if you were more confident in yourself you would feel worthy of a relationship and perhaps feel less jealous because you wouldn't feel like the person would want to stray from you. working with a counselor could help you with your self esteem issues. take care.

[IrisBloom]

My advice would be to just let it be what it is for a while. Don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed. Just talk and get to know each other for now. If romance blooms, then you can develop a relationship.

You need to remember your self-esteem comes from YOU. No one can fix that for you. Having someone care about you can help in a way. If the other person truly likes/loves you, that means there are good things about you. Even if things don't work out in the long run, you still have whatever it was they were attracted to. You're young, don't be in a hurry for the future. Any good relationship has to have a strong foundation, and getting to know each other and trusting each other is what forms it.

[Steiner of Thule]

And it's gone. I already knew this would happen though. I messed it up. I always do. It didn't last long but it was a quick reminder to let me know that I can't do this.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by kaliope

it would really help you in relationships if you worked on your self esteem. if you were more confident in yourself you would feel worthy of a relationship and perhaps feel less jealous because you wouldn't feel like the person would want to stray from you. working with a counselor could help you with your self esteem issues. take care.

Not sure if anything can help me gain self-esteem. I have nothing to be proud of, about myself. Self-esteem comes from knowing you have a purpose. I have no purpose so then I have no self-esteem. I always mess up. Always starting over again.