[mommaxo]

i feel like it's almost impossible for me not to be anxious at this point.
I feel like my time is running out quickly, and I should have my ***** together by now.
I worry that I won't be able to handle a screaming baby, i won't be able to function on no sleep. I worry that I will get too stressed out, and turn to alcohol again.
I tried so hard to push these thoughts out of my mind.
I worry about money.
I worry about not being able to handle things on my own.
I worry about my child resenting me for not having a father around.
I'm scared I'll regret having my child.
I don't ever want to look at my kid as a mistake
I can't even figure out if my baby is a blessing, or a mistake as horrible as that sounds
I couldn't get an abortion, I just couldn't.

This will be my first child
my first time living on my own
my first time focusing on myself, and being single
everything is new
fresh
i feel myself rapidly going through changes and it scares the living hell out of me.
I'm still trying to figure out who I am
My life is about to change completely

[kaliope]

i drank heavily to self medicate my bipolar. when i was 21 i discovered i was pregnant. i had dumped the father of the baby before finding out. there was no way i was going back home. i never wanted kids. i thought i would abuse them like i was abused. i thought abortion was the solution. i went to the clinic. they make you watch a movie. i don't remember what it was about but i sat there thinking about how this child could be president one day and did i really have the right to take that away from the world? i couldn't go through with it. still i hoped i would lose it. i drank heavily daily and sometimes did meth so i could get to work after drinking all night. i did this for the first three and a half months. then a guy i worked with said he would marry me. he needed someone to care for his son, i needed a dad for my baby. it made sense. i was desperate so i did it. big mistake. he was a sociopath. his son molested my kids. the marriage didn't last long needless to say and i ended up with three kids. and then i had to get out. i had the same fears you do. how can i be a good mom when i didn't even want to be a mom? on top of that, with my mental issues, not being able to attach, how can i be there for my kids. i raised my kids in poverty. i worked minimum wage jobs. i got food stamps and wic and they got free lunches at school. i tried for awhile to tell them i loved them and hug and kiss them every day, but that got to hard for me. i went to all their school functions because my parents didn't and that hurt me. i didn't beat them. i tried not to yell at them. i worked hard to not do all the things that were done to me. and after they went out on their own, they kept in touch with me. they didn't go away. i don't stay in touch with people. it weirded me out. i asked why they loved me. how come they didn't go away. my oldest told me it was because i always answered his questions. when he asked how a stick shift worked, i explained it to him. and i remembered going to get a book called why is the sky blue? which explained a bunch of why questions and reading it to my kids...im old, we didn't have google back then...lol...but i did take the time to listen to my kids....and that is important. so i have no regrets in having my son. i am so happy he didn't come out FAS. he has never questioned why he has no father on his birth certificate.. we have briefly talked about it but he has never asked a lot about it...but he has had the opportunity to know his bio grandmother all his life. he did meet his father at his grandfathers funeral. he told him he didn't believe he was his. my son also has known a couple of his bio half sisters for about half his life as well as they got a hold of him thru their grandmother. this was secret and forbidden by his father. he is a spectacular kid. smart, athletic. and he was president of his high school two years in a row. even though it led to a horrible marriage, it brought me two other wonderful kids. raising kids was a struggle and i got lucky with three great kids, i got off really easy, no cops, no drugs, no alcohol, no anger issues, well a little of that.....we lived in the middle of nowhere so they were always home. one went blind, one was hearing voices......things happen, but you take it one day at a time and trust that the resources will be there for you to handle every situation. develop and support system and you will be fine..... take care.

[stainedglasstears]

I am bipolar and have 4 kids. They live with their dad out of state. I always question whether I am a good mother or not. I believe I gave them a good start in life but now it is hard having an ocean separate us and I don't see them on a regular basis.