[Hables]

I should say that the title doesn't fully relate to the topics content, and only superficially does it address the realities of my "predicament". And I'm not entirely certain as to whether this should be placed under "coping with emotions" but I suppose it doesn't matter too much.

I will jump straight in, describing all features of myself that I think is of concern, after which I'll explain another problem that looms over any consideration of the rest.

I have noticed that, recently, I get very angry quite easily; my responses to trivial things are totally erratic and oftentimes either overwhelmingly positive or negative. Many think I am "weird", "mad", "psychotic" (demonstrating a common miscomprehension of language and meaning in psychology) and so on, because my emotions regularly manifest themselves in the most unexpected of situations. Externally, I appear stable, but occasionally I break down, so to speak, or "flip" (changing from either indifferent/empty to either positively or negatively emotional in an instant) although it seems that this is somewhat dissimilar to bipolar. The highs are not consistently strong highs, internally, and the lows are not particularly strong, either. Deep down, I continue to feel very little at all; but sometimes I do or say something terribly impulsive, radical, or strange; shouting or bursting into sudden fits of rage or frustration are common, before "punishing" myself (not denoting physical self-harm, but self-harm in another sense). I certainly say some strange things also, often without thinking.

I am an emotional person when the time is right: but, with increasing regularity, I have begun to expose my sensitivities immediately and sometimes without holding back. I suppose I am just lonely, and sick of the "false love" which abounds everywhere. I am obsessed with personal ideals and seek to attribute them, gradually, to myself (knowledge, emotional and moral awareness, understanding, and all forms of virtue) and these items are contained within a fictional character, a girl, who exists within my head alone. I cannot reach her, and when I forget about/intentionally avoid the pursuit of those ideal qualities she scorns me/abandons me, and I find myself apologising. She is truly beautiful, but I am too weak to have her. I do not hallucinate. I know I can be rid of her, but I can't get rid of her.

I haven't got everything down on here. There's a lot within me that I haven't uncovered or am not confident about articulating. I do not hold back in a social environment. I am often described as lively, "full of life", interesting, funny, and so on. But that is not the authentic "me". Those qualities are forcefully adopted and false, and I feel that they prevent the establishment of an intimate connection with another. I punish myself if I do not read, think or feel for a while. I came home the other day, from school, at lunchtime, and drunk half a bottle of red wine. I went back to a lesson drunk, so I didn't have to care about my presentation like I often do. I have to say that I enjoyed it. I would say that I am partially self-destructive, in that I do or say things that I know will hurt me in some way, with the intention of bringing that hurt to me.

And finally, I do not know myself at all. I am unusually uncertain about my self-identity - I am continually changing, dramatically and uncontrollably, so much so that many friends have been lost because they do not trust both what I say, and what I am. Many think I alter myself to satisfy the differences in their expectations, and that, I think, is true. But I don't do it deliberately, you understand? I have spent long nights crying because of the guilt I feel after lying to close friends on impulse - I cannot help nor stop it. I long for emotional intimacy.

I let myself get a little carried away there. I am not expecting a diagnosis. I question whether anything is truly wrong with me. I just had to tell someone, and I am afraid of telling even my closest friends, for reasons I don't know. I suppose I grew tired of writing an account of my discontent, only to lock it away.

[Thunder Bow]

Seeing a Therapist can help in this case. Much for you to work through.

Hello Hables: There is an author by the name of Parker J. Palmer. Palmer asserts that none of us can ever really know what is going on inside of another person's mind. It is simply too complex. As such, Palmer suggests the best we can do is to stand at the perimeter of another's circle & be present to provide support for the individual to heal her or himself.

I think this perspective is apropos with regard to your description of what you experience. I know, for myself, any time I have ever tried to explain, to another person, everything that goes on in my mind it has always just ended up seeming garbled & inadequate. On the other hand, I certainly do applaud you for making this effort. I hope you found it to be of benefit.