[Yismymindblank12]

Everyone tells me I need this and to do this. People online here and in my friends group. I don't talk to people, I think I feel like they aren't that interesting. I feel that I don't belong here. Many times, I am quick to jump and lash out at myself and get angry at the frustration and the loneliness.

All I can describe, I only wanted a girl. I guess dating, I feel like **** describing it this way, because how I say it sounds so vague, but pinpointing what I actually mean is so much harder to say.

I mean, I want this guilt. This hate I have for many people, when someone shows me it's not that bad. A person who can really help me, like I hear stories from my friends. Like I don't even want to do it myself. I'm already doing it, if you are going to reply saying, only you should need you.

I don't even want that. I don't even want to be here, many days I want to die.

I'm ungrateful of the failure and the success, this existence is the reason why I am alone. The fact I'm breathing and my brain is here as it is. The feeling that I can't say I love you. Not ever to my mom, and feel it. Not ever recognizing it to anyone when I want to say I love you, but it's never there.

I don't want friends anymore, I don't want to date or find anything with someone else despite me needed that closeness.

I feel so abandoned all my life, this coping is delaying an inevitable end that I'll die alone stuck here in this city with people who think like this and are harsh and critical on me and pity me while they live in extravagance.

I hate people, they'd only care if it's something in it for them. I get confused when this girl hugged me and try to show me what I needed at some weird church place in at a college I was at for a week. What struck me happy the feeling of empathy, that made a huge difference, even though we are completely different people.

I felt so alone and angry, and this person saw it and felt it. I didn't want to join the groups. I'm the kid who likes being alone, it's uncomfortable and unbearable a lot, but I can tolerate it much more than being in the group.

Her holding on to me and just listening to me and she was a complete stranger to me. For once gave me peace. I am grieving hoping I find it again for once more. Now I doubt it will ever appear.

I only expecting to find my life ending in this suffering, people will be sad, one day. I'll be dead too young, and people wished they'd been around me more, but I'd wish I wasn't around people as often as I am. I am probably insane, just desiring a fantasy of being alone with one other loner together.

A female, because in my mind I'm a woman too. I hate how I look and this person knows me and sees right through me and makes me an equal, makes me feel better about myself, makes me want to be alive longer with them. The fact, I found out I'm not alone in this regard is disheartening, because I'm not different than them. I cannot connect with them, because they are too picky as well.

I spend more time shoving everyone away, I'm not taking risks anymore like I should. I know it's not healthy, but being destroyed emotionally. I've stopped eating many days knowing my grim situation trying to wither my life away through targeted starvation through my previous anorexia issues as a child. Now it's back, it does not seem like it's going away for awhile and I want it here to stay. The fact knowing I can die by my own choice is much more comforting have a sense of control where I have no control in the hell I'm dealing with.

So I can't get anything other than pity or inspiring words that bring very short lived luster. The feeling that, no matter how many times I pick myself up, that fact won't ever change till something on the outside happens.

I can't stress it enough. I'm not accepting things, because I have no based reality and the fact I'm going to die scares me, I don't want to die where everyone else is going. I'd rather not go anywhere. I just want to be safe.
I'm dying internally and exhausted beyond exhausted. I relapsed into depression and sometimes the condescending manners of people on here or my friends makes me feel worse about myself.

I can't connect with people who try to show they care, but are very insensitive and poor at it. I try to believe they do, but since things go well in their life, what am I supposed to feel bad for them. I feel I am being mindful and trying to help others only does so much, the grief the pure feeling of hating who I am for being misunderstood and crying every damn moment wishing to find out if this person is going to come to see me or not. To know if they are an imagination or not, because I'm not accepting living like this all my life, people tell me I'm healthier this way and it has some truth, but in my soul. There's nothing for me here.

One day, I'll make the choice to say I'm done and end it without telling anyone when I'm older.

I can't describe the feeling other than pure grief and feeling of abandonment. The fact I was born makes me more depressed, because I felt abandoned realizing I exist. That somewhere I was somebody else or something and I meant something to someone I didn't want to leave me. I left, knowing they were gone. Now all I wanted to do as child and now an adult is die, I don't feel them.

Sometimes, I feel one day people will won't understand purposely putting me in a residential hospital, because instead of getting me what I need and helping me. They push me in this box and say I need this, and it's causing more and more frustration and grief and all I want to do is die right there, because they are boxing me and putting me away shelving me saying I'm safe and telling I should feel guilty.

I can't do it. Living is too much...

I'm not giving up on my search, I just have given up on living how I am now. I'm sulking in my silence. Just trying to shut out the voices and the pain that runs through me everywhere.

So I never know what's wrong with me...

It's why my friends leave so quick, it's why dating is impossible, people hate me like this. I can't help my feelings, and many days I don't want to feel, because I don't want to lose you. I feel like I can't have anything or both of what I need ever.
The fact, I spend more time trying to run and finding avenues to run away of this prison. You can't see, or feel it. It's that fact a lone is what makes me want to die. I'm like a dementia patient repeating the pain, and being stuck in a loop of dissatisfaction, because I'm not feeling good enough.

**** this self help... I'm doing it already and it's not getting the results. I've been more than patient. Don't you think, being tired is valid. When I'm told no you gotta be strong. I just want to punch everyone.

"Why can't you just shut up and love me!?"

[Yismymindblank12]

I found out why this is. I'm suffering from no sense of reality. I can't communicate properly on my feelings because I don't have any words to use. It's all gibberish a friend told me in her conversation and mine. That I was crazy and that's ok.

I'm lonely, because I want to be crazy with someone else who needs me and is crazy as I am.

[shezbut]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so alone. Times like those are never easy or fun.

Gentle hugs to you...

[Yismymindblank12]

I found out again. I've already lost my marbles. I'm balls out crazy and have no sense of reality. I'm happy it's an answer, because I really don't know what's going on all the time. If I was best friends with someone who is bat **** crazy as I am and sees the world literally through my eyes as I do. I'd have a true friendship to build upon than sounding like a dumbass to everyone around me.

[Yismymindblank12]

That's what I get for being having the brain I got. Holy crap I'm crazy and that's ok. because even though I'm not normal to you, and may seem out of place. I'm ok with that, I shouldn't be in a hospital for being different or not thinking like everyone else does. I just want to not be the only one in my head. There's always room for more.