[PeachCream22]

The title says it all. I'm struggling to love myself.

Ever since I got over an awful relationship months ago...I find that...I tend to like to hang out with guys a lot. They are fun to be with, I can be myself without being judged, and right now I have a sort of crush on one particular person, but we can't be together because of religious barriers.

I don't understand. Before my ex, I was fine with myself. Now...it's as if I need to be in a relationship to feel good. I find myself easily falling for guys and feeling the need to get into a relationship in order to define who I am, but I know I don't need to, no matter how tempting it is...

How do I start loving myself? Is loving myself even the problem the here? Thank you for reading.

[PianogirlPlays]

Sounds like hurt may be involved here. I struggle as well with the need for attention and defining myself by what other people say and do. It is a slippery slope because it sn't always going to be okay. I do better when I recognize and pursue my talents.

[kapis]

I hear the hurt as well. Getting over an awful or an abusive relationship is not easy. I had to face the fact that you really have to be tough and truly get over it before you are able to have a another, this time an awesome relationship.

For me one of the key points was gaining understanding of the fact that the awfulness was not because I was broken or I was not worthy. I wonder if that is why you voice that you dont seem to find the love for you.

I wonder if this would help: Imagine your bestest friend ever. She would like to do something really nice for you, to show what a great person you really are. What is this something? Then go ahead and do this for yourself. You are so worth it!!!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by PeachCream22

The title says it all. I'm struggling to love myself.

Ever since I got over an awful relationship months ago...

... Is loving myself even the problem the here? Thank you for reading.

I personally do not think that loving yourself is the problem. I see two problems:

1) grossly unrealistic expectations. When you are in a horrible relationship, it might take YEARS to recover (I know that). I do not know how long your horrible relationship lasted, but I see that you wrote "months ago..." as if months ago were a long, long break that should have gotten you back to normal. Months ago means you barely got out. Release the unrealistic expectations - do not expect to be back to normal yet.

2) over-thinking and excessive analysis. But if you do (1), (2) would most likely go away on its own, without any deliberate work.

[persevere]

How long were you in the relationship that ended?

[seeker1950]

OH, Lordy....I was in a relationship in college, with my first sexual experience. I was so naïve. The fella told me he had just used me for sex...straight up as he left after graduation. I was devastated.
My relationships exp after that were really trying to recover from the hurt of his initial devastation. I had been raised to believe that sex meant love and marriage. I was numb emotionally and went on to try to find other emotional/sexual bonds. I continued.
I married a man I didn't love because I became convinced I could make it work. That was a 20+ year mistake. I had to work toward financial independence to be free of it, getting a degree in teaching and finally leaving him. Why? because we had a daughter together, and he told me if I left he'd take her from me and "kick me out on the street with nothing."
I did finally leave, but only after she left for college, at which time he was submissive....(too late!)
Why am I sharing all of this with you. Just so you know our initial hurts can influence our whole life.
My own behavior was largely due to lack of self esteem. From my upbringing, I really felt unworthy of love.
I hope you will pause and take stock of your own worth. Not go forward and settle for less!

[persevere]

Originally Posted by seeker1950

OH, Lordy....I was in a relationship in college, with my first sexual experience. I was so naïve. The fella told me he had just used me for sex...straight up as he left after graduation. I was devastated.
My relationships exp after that were really trying to recover from the hurt of his initial devastation. I had been raised to believe that sex meant love and marriage. I was numb emotionally and went on to try to find other emotional/sexual bonds. I continued.
I married a man I didn't love because I became convinced I could make it work. That was a 20+ year mistake. I had to work toward financial independence to be free of it, getting a degree in teaching and finally leaving him. Why? because we had a daughter together, and he told me if I left he'd take her from me and "kick me out on the street with nothing."
I did finally leave, but only after she left for college, at which time he was submissive....(too late!)
Why am I sharing all of this with you. Just so you know our initial hurts can influence our whole life.
My own behavior was largely due to lack of self esteem. From my upbringing, I really felt unworthy of love.
I hope you will pause and take stock of your own worth. Not go forward and settle for less!

Well you are very loveable, and it sounds like smart and responsible too. You waited and tried to work on that relationship for your kids sake and then went on to educate yourself.

When people use others as in what happened to you in that very first love relationship they have a pain inside them unhealed, the root of their own pain becomes everyone else's they get involved with until they work on themselves, it is not your fault.

You didn't deserve to be used or made to feel unloved.