[Heart Pajamas]

For some reason, I have an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach that almost never goes away. I feel like I can think rationally about things, but my adrenaline and other hormones just don't want to agree with my thought process.

For example, I just can't stand to read Facebook posts anymore from my husband's best friend. I went through a period this past summer where I got to know him better (when we went on vacation together), and we kind of connected...and seemed to be pretty close for a couple months after the vacation...I developed a crush on him, and it seemed he was flirting with me. But anyway, I never did anything about it because I would never cheat on my husband, and I've managed to be just friendly with him for the last few months. He's cooled off significantly towards me as well, just being polite, as he gets closer to his girlfriend.

My point is that even though I feel that my crush on him has pretty much faded, I just can't stand to see updates about him. I get a little irritated when I hear what he's up to from my husband, and when he "likes" my husband's ex girlfriend's Facebook posts, I get a sick feeling in my stomach, like I'm jealous. Only, I don't really feel jealous...it's more like a rejected feeling. I feel like when he "likes" her pictures, he is saying she is more attractive than me. When he "likes" my sister-in-law's posts, I feel the same way...like he thinks of her more of a friend than he does me. A few years ago, he took my husband and me out to dinner so we could complain about our problems with my sister in law and how she was treating us. He sympathized with us and gave advice. We thought he was supportive...but then he went behind our back and told her everything we told him. I felt very betrayed. I never told him how I felt about this, especially since it was before I felt I knew him pretty well.

Anyway, this post isn't just about him. I feel the same way about my ex fiance. We were supposed to get married, after 7 years together, when out of the blue, he told me he hadn't had enough experience in life and wanted to try other things. I was so heartbroken. It's been six years since that happened, and I'm married now for 4 years, but I still find myself harboring not only resentment and pain, but a feeling of rejection towards him. He currently got married himself, and it hurts to think he couldn't go through with marrying me, but he can marry this girl, who loves to flaunt her sexuality and is against everything his family stands for. I feel that I was too goody-two-shoes for him, and now he got his "bad" girl. It makes me feel bad about myself.

Finally, my husband and I can't have kids because he's infertile due to a chronic illness. Everyone else--my cousins, sister in law, etc. are having babies all around me. I feel so left out. I work with kids and people always ask why I don't have children. I am great with kids and know I would be an excellent mom (aside from my emotional insecurity, which I need to get over). But people who had abortions, don't even like kids, are popping them out. It seems so unfair. We can't even have a dog in our apartment, but this is all we can afford with my husband's illness. I feel very rejected from life, as if life is laughing at me because I can never realize my dream of being a mom.

Most days I feel passively suicidal. I'm not actively thinking of killing myself, but I pray for God to take me every night and morning. I overeat the wrong foods, hoping maybe I will have a heart attack in my sleep.

I just look at my overstuffed body and my life and feel like I'll never be "good enough." I know that I have other attributes, but they don't seem to compare to others around me. It hurts when people brag about how happy they are in life and how glad they are that they aren't basically like me. It hurts so bad. I can't seem to shake this feeling. I'm glad my husband does love me, and I wish I could be more grateful, but I feel like I'm only meant to live a sub-par life, and that anything else is too good for me.

[jelly-bean]

It sounds to me like you may have some serious self-esteem issues and maybe some depression going on. Have you talked to the family doctor about these feelings? If not then I suggest that you make an appt. Your doctor can prescribe some meds that will help you feel a bit better. Have you discussed adoption with your husband. there are many beautiful children who really need a loving parents in a forever home. You sound like a beautiful woman who just needs to change directions a bit. Life is all about choices so make some new choices and change your life sweetie!